Time they say flies away. And with a kid you are hardly aware of the seconds turning into minutes and days turning into weeks. So they say.....
It is such a long long wait. First you wait to see his face and then greed sets in. No sooner can he look at you and giggle, you want him to laugh. HE turns a little on the bed and you want him to sit up and run to you. He starts making small gurgling noises and you want him to call you ma!
And guess what...it takes time. More so because you are waiting and waiting and waiting. He is six months old, can start seeing a glimmer of naughtiness lurking on the corner of his small mouth. HE makes cute little faces and has started tying to imitate and draw attention by small little antics. And I am greedy....waiting for more. Waiting for the day he would call me ma, take his first step, laugh and hug me, kiss me...
Still waiting....
Friday, May 14, 2010
Saturday, May 08, 2010
Confession
They say the birth of a child is rebirth of a woman. She comes through from that treacherous journey and is reinvented. Nothing is ever the same again...Who would know it better than me? And like me all the women who took up the journey and are now proud mothers. On the eve of Mother's Day, I decided to give a small tribute to all the women out there who would understand what I am talking about. To the young mothers like me, fighting hard to adjust...to the seasoned ones, sailing effortlessly through life...I salute you all.
I lost my own splendid mother two and a half years ago and never did I miss her the way I did when I was about to become a mother. i did not have her loving hand on me or her reassuring face or that steady voice telling me that everything would be okay! And yet I could see her face as clearly as daylight and imagine her smiling down at me, telling me that very soon...very soon I would know what it is like and how amazingly the pain is all worth it. But the journey seemed to go on without many joys and I would be honest with you all...the first six months were enough to dampen all my spirits and well...make a wreck out of me. I was sad and depressed most of the times. call it mental fatigue or physical exhaustion; words don't matter. The fact remains that every time I looked at my bundle of joy I only wished my mother was there, right next to me, taking care of him for me while I got on with my life.
I ached to go out and party with my friends, spend candle light dinners with my husband and play with my child. But none of those things was I able to do. What with my husband mostly away from me for work, I was all alone, fending for myself and my baby. And hate me for saying it, I hated it. My thoughts kept getting darker, my waist line broader and my mood sulkier than ever. I was ready to burst at the smallest invitation, hated if people around me were having some fun or simply moving on in life. Idleness and boredom filled my days as a dull routine set in my life. Getting up in the morning, with a heavy head and sleepy eyes, changing my baby's diapers, feeding him and putting him back to sleep. Then the bathing and feeding and playing on and on just kept going and for all those who think playing witha child is fun...it is also tiring. I was tired beyond belief and had nothing to write or wish for.
My son is six months old and I can't thank god enough for him. And yet I was upset. Because this wasn't me and I was not ready to accept the change. I needed guidance and support which was just not there and then I dreamt about my mother, waltzing through life, handling work and home and three kids, keeping herself up and ready for all the challenges life could throw at her and did she succeed? Oh yes she did. Then why was I such a failure? I always thought that I was the best of the lot, the only child she was so confident about. She trusted me to face every challenge and even if I lost...she would know that I tried. And today I decided to give myself another try. Hence the blog. Enough with the negativity in my life. I really am the only person who can help myself. And I would try.
On this mother's day, its a thought...from one mother to another...if anybody can do it...it's you. Happy Mother's Day.
I lost my own splendid mother two and a half years ago and never did I miss her the way I did when I was about to become a mother. i did not have her loving hand on me or her reassuring face or that steady voice telling me that everything would be okay! And yet I could see her face as clearly as daylight and imagine her smiling down at me, telling me that very soon...very soon I would know what it is like and how amazingly the pain is all worth it. But the journey seemed to go on without many joys and I would be honest with you all...the first six months were enough to dampen all my spirits and well...make a wreck out of me. I was sad and depressed most of the times. call it mental fatigue or physical exhaustion; words don't matter. The fact remains that every time I looked at my bundle of joy I only wished my mother was there, right next to me, taking care of him for me while I got on with my life.
I ached to go out and party with my friends, spend candle light dinners with my husband and play with my child. But none of those things was I able to do. What with my husband mostly away from me for work, I was all alone, fending for myself and my baby. And hate me for saying it, I hated it. My thoughts kept getting darker, my waist line broader and my mood sulkier than ever. I was ready to burst at the smallest invitation, hated if people around me were having some fun or simply moving on in life. Idleness and boredom filled my days as a dull routine set in my life. Getting up in the morning, with a heavy head and sleepy eyes, changing my baby's diapers, feeding him and putting him back to sleep. Then the bathing and feeding and playing on and on just kept going and for all those who think playing witha child is fun...it is also tiring. I was tired beyond belief and had nothing to write or wish for.
My son is six months old and I can't thank god enough for him. And yet I was upset. Because this wasn't me and I was not ready to accept the change. I needed guidance and support which was just not there and then I dreamt about my mother, waltzing through life, handling work and home and three kids, keeping herself up and ready for all the challenges life could throw at her and did she succeed? Oh yes she did. Then why was I such a failure? I always thought that I was the best of the lot, the only child she was so confident about. She trusted me to face every challenge and even if I lost...she would know that I tried. And today I decided to give myself another try. Hence the blog. Enough with the negativity in my life. I really am the only person who can help myself. And I would try.
On this mother's day, its a thought...from one mother to another...if anybody can do it...it's you. Happy Mother's Day.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Kanika Khurana is dead. She died today...the girl who was...is dead. Instead of her there is a female who loathes the way she looks, hates the way she dresses and talks...can not even write well. There is absolutely nothing left in her any more. She is dead. Her eyes have no dreams any more, her heart has no desire...
I killed her.
A mother!
I killed her.
A mother!
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Clocking one Year and rearing for more...
Well that's right. I would be completing one year of marriage as the month ends and what do I have to say about this year long journey...boy was it tough!
To be honest there were times when I cursed the day I decided to marry. Not that I don' love my husband any more or he doesn't do that either...its just we were so much the better when we were only in love with each other. The expectations were low, the love was uncomplicated and the only two people who truly mattered were him and me. So of course it was shear bliss. Come marriage and things began to complicate. What with relations and the have to's of the world and society. Also the fact that both of us hail from two totally different sectors of the society with cultural gorges in between, didn't help. The end result was that we were angry from each other, fighting on issues that could have been avoided and simply sleeping with headaches...if you know what I mean!
Add to that the joy of being parents was also witnessed by us which was adulterated by the very worry of managing it. Our son...the essence of both of our lives was in front of us and two people who love each other so much were fighting the urge to run away. (At least I was!) And then I saw the silver lining. The fact that no matter how bad the fight was, both of us always wanted to end it asap. The fact that my heart still flutters in my chest everytime I see him. The fact that he still has the twinkle in his eye whenever I am loking pretty, the fact that we were happy when the other was happy...all these came rushing back. Happy memories the year gone by, the days and nights spent cuddled up, the sweet smile, the happy face and the lovable care...that is what also made my year. So why was it only bad? It wasn't.
And then we got our Artham...my little bundle of joy...that small little smile, the twinkling black eyes, the naughty crooked eyebrows...our son.
So what do I have to say about the first year of marriage...I lived every moment of it.
To be honest there were times when I cursed the day I decided to marry. Not that I don' love my husband any more or he doesn't do that either...its just we were so much the better when we were only in love with each other. The expectations were low, the love was uncomplicated and the only two people who truly mattered were him and me. So of course it was shear bliss. Come marriage and things began to complicate. What with relations and the have to's of the world and society. Also the fact that both of us hail from two totally different sectors of the society with cultural gorges in between, didn't help. The end result was that we were angry from each other, fighting on issues that could have been avoided and simply sleeping with headaches...if you know what I mean!
Add to that the joy of being parents was also witnessed by us which was adulterated by the very worry of managing it. Our son...the essence of both of our lives was in front of us and two people who love each other so much were fighting the urge to run away. (At least I was!) And then I saw the silver lining. The fact that no matter how bad the fight was, both of us always wanted to end it asap. The fact that my heart still flutters in my chest everytime I see him. The fact that he still has the twinkle in his eye whenever I am loking pretty, the fact that we were happy when the other was happy...all these came rushing back. Happy memories the year gone by, the days and nights spent cuddled up, the sweet smile, the happy face and the lovable care...that is what also made my year. So why was it only bad? It wasn't.
And then we got our Artham...my little bundle of joy...that small little smile, the twinkling black eyes, the naughty crooked eyebrows...our son.
So what do I have to say about the first year of marriage...I lived every moment of it.
Saturday, November 07, 2009
No pain...no gain...now I know what they mean
Well...it happened. On 30th morning the doctor decided that it was time that I park myself in the hospital. The baby would be out anytime late that night or early 31st morning. So, there I was, suffering from all the anticipation and anxiety of the event about to happen. Well wishers were informed and they settled outside the room, waiting for the miracle of miracles to happen and late evening the fated labour pains started. Mild contractions turning into spasms of unexpressive pain went soaring through my body as I waited impatiently for them to increase so that I would finally see my baby.
Ever heard of the adage whatever goes around comes around? well I was in for a shock. When my mother was expecting me she went through horrid labour pains with no result. I had been a spoilt brat and had turned my head and the doctors had to at the last minute do a C-section and pry me out. That is what happened with me as well and I got a taste of my own medicine. After almost twelve hours of unbearable pain...the baby decided he wanted to stay a little longer and turned his head. End result...a C-section. And after crying and howling and cursing anybody and everybody who came in front of me, begging for some mercy and the pains to stop...I was told I would be operated upon. The relief was heartfelt...to know that the pains would finally stop. But at the same time I don't remember really feeling it. The pain sent rude shocks through my body as my mind started getting oblivious of the situation, of people around me. And then I walked into the OT, too drained to scream out as the body went through successive contractions again. And then I was lying down on the operating table. People wearing masks and blue overalls started entering and I heard voices telling me what they were doing. At 2:15 the anaesthetic placed the mask on my nose and all I heard was "You are going to feel a bit sleepy." And that was that...I don't recall anything except my husband uttering the words..."the baby is fair and is 3.7 kgs!"
Have I forgotten the pain? Not really...I still get goosebumps thinking about it. Do I regret it...No...I still feel awesome about it. I look at the small bundle cradled in my arms and wonder at the miracle life is...at the awesome treasure god has given me. Do I blame anyone? No...I only have everybody to thank...God for my baby is healthy and so am I...Prashant for he gave me such a gift...didi for standing by my side through it all and being the mother she has always been...bhabhi and alka masi for bearing with me and holding my handing as i screamed in pain...
And what do I have to say about it...I am a proud mother...go on and Congratulate me for I am finally a mother...
Yes...Its a BOY.
Ever heard of the adage whatever goes around comes around? well I was in for a shock. When my mother was expecting me she went through horrid labour pains with no result. I had been a spoilt brat and had turned my head and the doctors had to at the last minute do a C-section and pry me out. That is what happened with me as well and I got a taste of my own medicine. After almost twelve hours of unbearable pain...the baby decided he wanted to stay a little longer and turned his head. End result...a C-section. And after crying and howling and cursing anybody and everybody who came in front of me, begging for some mercy and the pains to stop...I was told I would be operated upon. The relief was heartfelt...to know that the pains would finally stop. But at the same time I don't remember really feeling it. The pain sent rude shocks through my body as my mind started getting oblivious of the situation, of people around me. And then I walked into the OT, too drained to scream out as the body went through successive contractions again. And then I was lying down on the operating table. People wearing masks and blue overalls started entering and I heard voices telling me what they were doing. At 2:15 the anaesthetic placed the mask on my nose and all I heard was "You are going to feel a bit sleepy." And that was that...I don't recall anything except my husband uttering the words..."the baby is fair and is 3.7 kgs!"
Have I forgotten the pain? Not really...I still get goosebumps thinking about it. Do I regret it...No...I still feel awesome about it. I look at the small bundle cradled in my arms and wonder at the miracle life is...at the awesome treasure god has given me. Do I blame anyone? No...I only have everybody to thank...God for my baby is healthy and so am I...Prashant for he gave me such a gift...didi for standing by my side through it all and being the mother she has always been...bhabhi and alka masi for bearing with me and holding my handing as i screamed in pain...
And what do I have to say about it...I am a proud mother...go on and Congratulate me for I am finally a mother...
Yes...Its a BOY.
Monday, October 26, 2009
The Final Countdown
The clock has started ticking and I have started counting down the days to the big day...the only thing is that with every day that goes by I feel the wait getting longer and longer and the days stretching beyond comfort. The weird thing about childbirth is, it is unique and nobody can predict the exact time when the child decides that it is time to get going!!! Nobody even knows what triggers the phenomenon. And here I am being forced to try out all the nuances of old wives' tales...drinking warm milk, walking, eating dry fruits, nuts and what not to somehow make the baby go...I wish it was as simple as telling the baby...alright, time to move your ass...!
Strange game this final intezaar. With every spasm of pain you look expectantly at the watch...and then when it does not reoccur...well it does not and instead of being relaxed you feel the old desperation seep in. And if the baby's little pranks are not enough your mind starts playing with you. By now I have thought of all the worst case scenarios when I would be in labor and stuck in jam, all alone...totally ignorant of it etc etc. In short, it has stretched to the point where I am plain bored of the wait...of looking for signs of labor...of trying to discern a simple muscular spasm and the supposedly excruciating contractions! When I asked my sister she smiled and asked me have I shouted out in pain yet and I repied ruefully that I haven't yet. And with the knowing gleam of been there, done that she smiled at me and she said...'You would scream. And when you do...everyone would know!"
So here's to the last week of this fascinating first voyage into the realms of motherhood...and no matter what I say...I am still counting...tick tok tick tok....
Strange game this final intezaar. With every spasm of pain you look expectantly at the watch...and then when it does not reoccur...well it does not and instead of being relaxed you feel the old desperation seep in. And if the baby's little pranks are not enough your mind starts playing with you. By now I have thought of all the worst case scenarios when I would be in labor and stuck in jam, all alone...totally ignorant of it etc etc. In short, it has stretched to the point where I am plain bored of the wait...of looking for signs of labor...of trying to discern a simple muscular spasm and the supposedly excruciating contractions! When I asked my sister she smiled and asked me have I shouted out in pain yet and I repied ruefully that I haven't yet. And with the knowing gleam of been there, done that she smiled at me and she said...'You would scream. And when you do...everyone would know!"
So here's to the last week of this fascinating first voyage into the realms of motherhood...and no matter what I say...I am still counting...tick tok tick tok....
Saturday, October 10, 2009
9 Things I hate about these 9 months
Oh I am not saying that it is a bad experience. I totally agree with all who told me that pregnancy is a magical experience...its unique and significant and definitely cute and sweet. What with the subtle kicks and the unexpected tumbling and not to mention the heart beating in your belly!!!! The first glimpse of your baby on the ultrasound screen's monitor....to see tiny hands flexing, small feet kicking in all glory...and a steadily beating heart...the sound of which makes warm tears gush in your eyes and leave you smiling with a starnge satisfaction. Everything is blissful and sweet and nice and miraculous.
But there is another side to it as well and I am going to shed some light on the 9 things I hate about these 9 months!!!
1. Morning Sickness:
Imagine waking up only to rush to the loo to have your innards spill out. And if only it would end at that!!! Surprise surprise...it is not only the mornings that you feel sick in. It can happen anytime of the day or if you are too lucky...throughout the day! Add dizziness, hating the very smell of food and a constant urge to puke to make it just amazingly wonderful.
2. Loo breaks...
We are talking about taking a leak break almost every two hours. Think it is funny? Try doing that especially in the middle of the night when you desperately want to sleep but you are obliged to drag yourself to the loo to take a leak for the nth time already!
3. Cotton thy best friend:
Okay this is probaby not a universal pregnancy thing but I am not talking about all the pregnant females am I? I am referring to my own experience and the fact that after marriage I was soon wearing plain airy cottons because my skin became ultra sensitive to anything other than the material left me feeling rather sullen and irritated at times. Not to mention I hardly got to wear all those beautiful dresses I had gotten stitched!!!
4. Swollen feet and hands:
Not that they look ugly or anything...they ache! Big time! All you want to do is have someone rub them for you and that does not happen now does it?
5. 5,6 DON'T Pick up Stcks:
If you love your back, don't even think about bending...not to mention the unimaginable pain in your diaphragm if you do bend more than absolutely necessary...Nobody truly likes bending as such but I am talking about not able to do it...
6. A starnger in the mirror:
My husband says I look cute...he even finds me desirable and that is honestly sweet of him. God knows how I would bear it had it not been for the lovable glances he showers over me whenever he looks at me. Yet I hardly recognize the person I see in the mirror. Maybe because I am hardly dressing up...the overgrown belly and the general fatigue which comes with the 9th month makes you want to just put your feet up and to hell with the world. And add to that the drab cotton suits that are more like a bag than a dress!!!
7. Twinkle twinkle little stars...sometimes I see you and sometimes...
Weird weird sleep patterns. The onset of pregnancy I was sleeping and sleeping and sleeping...now...if only I could sleep that well. Even if you do manage to finally find a way in which you can sleep without getting all cramped in your body, you hardly sleep that well. End result...technically you are sleeping for ten hours a day...technically...
8. My high heels!
I loved...I mean love beautiful sandals...high heels and gorgeous looking chapals...it's been 8 months since I wore anything above an inch tall! Don't even remember the feeling of wearing them...not to mention I am scared If I would be able to walk in them after the baby arrives!!!!
9. Intiha ho gayi....intezaar ki
What I hate the most is the wait. My doctor says that the baby can come anytime now. And what am I supposed to do? Nothing I can. I am waiting for the pains to start...talk about being scared and nervous to death about something and praying for it to happen at the earliest at the same time!!!!
Strange really....so many things I hate about these 9 months...yet...I would not want it any other way!
But there is another side to it as well and I am going to shed some light on the 9 things I hate about these 9 months!!!
1. Morning Sickness:
Imagine waking up only to rush to the loo to have your innards spill out. And if only it would end at that!!! Surprise surprise...it is not only the mornings that you feel sick in. It can happen anytime of the day or if you are too lucky...throughout the day! Add dizziness, hating the very smell of food and a constant urge to puke to make it just amazingly wonderful.
2. Loo breaks...
We are talking about taking a leak break almost every two hours. Think it is funny? Try doing that especially in the middle of the night when you desperately want to sleep but you are obliged to drag yourself to the loo to take a leak for the nth time already!
3. Cotton thy best friend:
Okay this is probaby not a universal pregnancy thing but I am not talking about all the pregnant females am I? I am referring to my own experience and the fact that after marriage I was soon wearing plain airy cottons because my skin became ultra sensitive to anything other than the material left me feeling rather sullen and irritated at times. Not to mention I hardly got to wear all those beautiful dresses I had gotten stitched!!!
4. Swollen feet and hands:
Not that they look ugly or anything...they ache! Big time! All you want to do is have someone rub them for you and that does not happen now does it?
5. 5,6 DON'T Pick up Stcks:
If you love your back, don't even think about bending...not to mention the unimaginable pain in your diaphragm if you do bend more than absolutely necessary...Nobody truly likes bending as such but I am talking about not able to do it...
6. A starnger in the mirror:
My husband says I look cute...he even finds me desirable and that is honestly sweet of him. God knows how I would bear it had it not been for the lovable glances he showers over me whenever he looks at me. Yet I hardly recognize the person I see in the mirror. Maybe because I am hardly dressing up...the overgrown belly and the general fatigue which comes with the 9th month makes you want to just put your feet up and to hell with the world. And add to that the drab cotton suits that are more like a bag than a dress!!!
7. Twinkle twinkle little stars...sometimes I see you and sometimes...
Weird weird sleep patterns. The onset of pregnancy I was sleeping and sleeping and sleeping...now...if only I could sleep that well. Even if you do manage to finally find a way in which you can sleep without getting all cramped in your body, you hardly sleep that well. End result...technically you are sleeping for ten hours a day...technically...
8. My high heels!
I loved...I mean love beautiful sandals...high heels and gorgeous looking chapals...it's been 8 months since I wore anything above an inch tall! Don't even remember the feeling of wearing them...not to mention I am scared If I would be able to walk in them after the baby arrives!!!!
9. Intiha ho gayi....intezaar ki
What I hate the most is the wait. My doctor says that the baby can come anytime now. And what am I supposed to do? Nothing I can. I am waiting for the pains to start...talk about being scared and nervous to death about something and praying for it to happen at the earliest at the same time!!!!
Strange really....so many things I hate about these 9 months...yet...I would not want it any other way!
Thursday, September 03, 2009
Redeemed
My husband used to brag about all these movies he has seen...and one of his all time favourites has been a movie named...'The Shawshank Redemption'. Whenever he used to talk about movies...it was next to impossible that this name would not be brought up. So on his birthday, I decided to gift the very movie to him. Thanks to the age of VCD's and DVD's, finding it wasn't really tough and we came back home with one copy and I settled to drag myself to watch the movie.
Now I have to confess something, I have a bias. Any movie that goes on to win an Oscar...I tend to find it a drag. It is indeed very very rare that I find a movie with loads of Academy Awards up its sleeve even worth a watch. And the said movie has 9...no less! So I was definitely sceptical. And then I saw the movie.
I was hooked...the movie catches your attention from the word go...And I sat, watching the movie with animated interest. The way the characters unfold...the way you look at the cynicism that breads behind bars and the way it slowly gets on to the human spirit...the very essence of human spirit...the necessity to hold on to hope and how if one truly wants to...he can, even in the face of the worst situations.
The story of one man who holds on to hope...and even when i knew the story...watching it was a treat.
Few things touch one's heart...something about the movie touched mine too. A simple sentence...'Brooks was here...and so was Red.'
Watch it to understand what I mean...and those who have seen it and can't truly recall...i am sure you woudn't mind watching it again.
And P.S. Sometimes...just sometimes the spouse is right as well...no harm in admitting it...eh?
Now I have to confess something, I have a bias. Any movie that goes on to win an Oscar...I tend to find it a drag. It is indeed very very rare that I find a movie with loads of Academy Awards up its sleeve even worth a watch. And the said movie has 9...no less! So I was definitely sceptical. And then I saw the movie.
I was hooked...the movie catches your attention from the word go...And I sat, watching the movie with animated interest. The way the characters unfold...the way you look at the cynicism that breads behind bars and the way it slowly gets on to the human spirit...the very essence of human spirit...the necessity to hold on to hope and how if one truly wants to...he can, even in the face of the worst situations.
The story of one man who holds on to hope...and even when i knew the story...watching it was a treat.
Few things touch one's heart...something about the movie touched mine too. A simple sentence...'Brooks was here...and so was Red.'
Watch it to understand what I mean...and those who have seen it and can't truly recall...i am sure you woudn't mind watching it again.
And P.S. Sometimes...just sometimes the spouse is right as well...no harm in admitting it...eh?
Monday, August 10, 2009
What's in a name....or the first letter of a name!
Subhadip....imagine me searching things that start with K! I mean its easy for you....maximum words start with the letter S. Anyhow...it's worth a try I guess..
1. What is your name: Kanika
2. A four Letter Word: Karma
3. A boy's Name: Kaustav (My nephew...)
4. A girl's Name: Kamakshi ( Am stuck to the name I have no idea why!)
5. An occupation: Kite Maker
6. A colour: Kesariya
7. Something you wear: Kimono
8. A food: Kababs (hi hi :) )
9. Something found in the bathroom: Kohler (Build a house around it!)
10. A place: Kerela
11. A reason for being late: Knee Jerking traffic ;)
12. Something you shout: Kidding!!!!!
13. A movie title: Kabhi Kabhi.........
(this is easy...could I give seven eight more?)
14. Something you drink: Kavah (Kashmiri tea!)
15. A musical group: Kings of Leon
16. An animal: Kiwi
17. A street name: Kautilya Marg (near India Gate)
18. A type of car: Kia ( A south Korean Car...so says wikipedia!)
19. Something scary: King Kong (ha ha ha)
20. Ice cream flavor: Kesar Pista
I tag no one...K for KIND!
1. What is your name: Kanika
2. A four Letter Word: Karma
3. A boy's Name: Kaustav (My nephew...)
4. A girl's Name: Kamakshi ( Am stuck to the name I have no idea why!)
5. An occupation: Kite Maker
6. A colour: Kesariya
7. Something you wear: Kimono
8. A food: Kababs (hi hi :) )
9. Something found in the bathroom: Kohler (Build a house around it!)
10. A place: Kerela
11. A reason for being late: Knee Jerking traffic ;)
12. Something you shout: Kidding!!!!!
13. A movie title: Kabhi Kabhi.........
(this is easy...could I give seven eight more?)
14. Something you drink: Kavah (Kashmiri tea!)
15. A musical group: Kings of Leon
16. An animal: Kiwi
17. A street name: Kautilya Marg (near India Gate)
18. A type of car: Kia ( A south Korean Car...so says wikipedia!)
19. Something scary: King Kong (ha ha ha)
20. Ice cream flavor: Kesar Pista
I tag no one...K for KIND!
Sunday, August 02, 2009
Is it marriage or am I plain lazy?
For a while now I have noticed that my tempers have left me completely, logic tends to hide away and general humour and politeness have abandoned all hope of ever reconciling with Kanika again. I actually pity my husband for he is going through the worst phase of his life...a monster of a wife and as much as I abhor these changes, all I am doing is sit and gossip about it.
He assures me it is not all that bad!!!! (What a darling...all husbands lie to their wives!) But I know it is. For I am sick and tired of sitting around and brooding about my condition. Not to mention....I would be doing that for I have no idea how many months. And as easily as I can put the blame on my husband for my condition...I would not. For it is my responsibility as well. Why should boys be blamed for everything? (My heart really goes out to all the men going through the woes of matrimony etc!) Getting back.......I was talking about this horrendous creature I have turned into.........didn't realize that I paid so much attention to my own freedom to actually get so bogged down!
What with the baby and all........Oh I guess I did not mention the best part.......Very soon Prashant and I would be blessed by an angel...and that little bundle, tumbling away in all his/her sleep has been a reason for my so called trip to monsterland! You can't honestly blame the woman you know....For years I have done what I wanted to do......and now I have people telling me what all I should and should not be doing.
Ofcourse, they all mean well..........yet it gets on to you! Whoever said pregnancy was a joyous moment of a woman's life surely did not suffer from any morning sickness, mood swings, cramped legs and a general feeling of living in someone else's body.
Imagine a mother to be and already cribbing.......of course I am happy. It is to a certain extent an awesome feeling........the responsibility bogs you down.......it's a life...a steadily beating heart...its a big deal. And when you start getting used to the kicks and all...kinda cute! To acknowledge that someone is safely hidden in the depths of your womb, growing with every passing second...that unimaginable feeling of miracle in the making...one can not truly express!
The thing is, for the first time a woman starts to understand her power...the immense power to create, grow, sustain and protect life itself! And that feeling...that only you can do that makes you feel truly special. And you realize why God gave you this special gift...man would not do too good at it...for with this power, a woman feels the utter vulnerability of her situation and that keeps her humble...a man...he would have been so confused! But that's God's way. He gave both their own strengths and weaknesses...and puts all of us through various trials and tribulations to make our lives worthwhile.
This post was just a self expression...few thoughts...am feeling so much better now!
He assures me it is not all that bad!!!! (What a darling...all husbands lie to their wives!) But I know it is. For I am sick and tired of sitting around and brooding about my condition. Not to mention....I would be doing that for I have no idea how many months. And as easily as I can put the blame on my husband for my condition...I would not. For it is my responsibility as well. Why should boys be blamed for everything? (My heart really goes out to all the men going through the woes of matrimony etc!) Getting back.......I was talking about this horrendous creature I have turned into.........didn't realize that I paid so much attention to my own freedom to actually get so bogged down!
What with the baby and all........Oh I guess I did not mention the best part.......Very soon Prashant and I would be blessed by an angel...and that little bundle, tumbling away in all his/her sleep has been a reason for my so called trip to monsterland! You can't honestly blame the woman you know....For years I have done what I wanted to do......and now I have people telling me what all I should and should not be doing.
Ofcourse, they all mean well..........yet it gets on to you! Whoever said pregnancy was a joyous moment of a woman's life surely did not suffer from any morning sickness, mood swings, cramped legs and a general feeling of living in someone else's body.
Imagine a mother to be and already cribbing.......of course I am happy. It is to a certain extent an awesome feeling........the responsibility bogs you down.......it's a life...a steadily beating heart...its a big deal. And when you start getting used to the kicks and all...kinda cute! To acknowledge that someone is safely hidden in the depths of your womb, growing with every passing second...that unimaginable feeling of miracle in the making...one can not truly express!
The thing is, for the first time a woman starts to understand her power...the immense power to create, grow, sustain and protect life itself! And that feeling...that only you can do that makes you feel truly special. And you realize why God gave you this special gift...man would not do too good at it...for with this power, a woman feels the utter vulnerability of her situation and that keeps her humble...a man...he would have been so confused! But that's God's way. He gave both their own strengths and weaknesses...and puts all of us through various trials and tribulations to make our lives worthwhile.
This post was just a self expression...few thoughts...am feeling so much better now!
Friday, April 17, 2009
The first Ever...
People say life changes after wedding...I agree. They often say people change...that the man is not the same after he ties the knot and I agree totally. For my man is not the same either...I never heard him tell me how much he loved me in such delicate terms as he constantly does now...We hardly ever fight...and its all because he chooses not to get angry even when I can't avoid it! Men change after marriage for sure...and I can't even complain!
But what good is married life if the wife has no complaints? Imagine Ekta Kapoor dying of a heart attack...
We can't let that happen now can we? To be honest it is not possible for a woman to be content with her situation after marriage...she lives alone with her husband...she misses the care of in laws...she lives with in laws...she craves freedom...she has all the jewelery...she craves roses and dark chocolates...(and more jewelery).
I had my complaints too...and it was very soon after we came back home and settled comfortably to a routine of work and leisure. Every evening I saw my dear husband come back from work and comfortably lounge in front of the T.V! Imagine my agony! What was I expecting? I don't know but I saw reason...how very sad but I did. He, accustomed to living with men would hardly have any other source of entertainment or want of a conversation! Women can't live without talking...Men thrive in the circumstance!
We still manage to watch T.V without I getting all upset about it. I guess it does him well that I am not too fond of the idiot box. And I would like to pass on the wisdom that helped me from creating a mountain out of a molehill...It was what Prashant said and continues to say whenever I get all angry..."If you don't like a thing...be vocal about it and direct. For the other person might feel bad but if he is sane...would see your side and try to avoid repeating the instance.! Marriage is not about trying to please your spouse...its about understanding the other!"
But what good is married life if the wife has no complaints? Imagine Ekta Kapoor dying of a heart attack...
We can't let that happen now can we? To be honest it is not possible for a woman to be content with her situation after marriage...she lives alone with her husband...she misses the care of in laws...she lives with in laws...she craves freedom...she has all the jewelery...she craves roses and dark chocolates...(and more jewelery).
I had my complaints too...and it was very soon after we came back home and settled comfortably to a routine of work and leisure. Every evening I saw my dear husband come back from work and comfortably lounge in front of the T.V! Imagine my agony! What was I expecting? I don't know but I saw reason...how very sad but I did. He, accustomed to living with men would hardly have any other source of entertainment or want of a conversation! Women can't live without talking...Men thrive in the circumstance!
We still manage to watch T.V without I getting all upset about it. I guess it does him well that I am not too fond of the idiot box. And I would like to pass on the wisdom that helped me from creating a mountain out of a molehill...It was what Prashant said and continues to say whenever I get all angry..."If you don't like a thing...be vocal about it and direct. For the other person might feel bad but if he is sane...would see your side and try to avoid repeating the instance.! Marriage is not about trying to please your spouse...its about understanding the other!"
Monday, April 06, 2009
THE WEDDING...31st Jan 2009
If a few months ago I thought getting married was fun...I was wrong. If a few months ago I thought weddings are beautiful...I was wrong. If a few months ago...That ain't important. I would try and narrate my wedding. Every woman, atleast once in her lifetime looks at a wedding, the flowers and the lights, the beautifully clad women and handsomely dressed men and the extensive festivities and wonder..."My wedding would be so very beautiful!" And then she gets married!!!
Please don't be alarmed...my wedding was equally beautiful and well lit and cheerful and everyhing...the only thing is...I never noticed any of it. And it is not because my heart was thudding wildly in my chest and my eyes were all dreamy about the man standing next to me...my soul mate soon going to be my husband! It was plain and simple stage fright!
The day started off with all the joys and then it was a long trip to the parlour...getting dressed for your wedding is a long job!!! The excitement was there. After all that evening I would finally be married to the man I had loved for six long years! My wait was over and my dreams would come true. At that moment I hardly cared that my dress and jwellery had easily topped 10 kilos...the moment was simple bliss. And then it was the moment I would be face to face with him...walking flanked by my sister and bhabhi and all the cousins and loved ones, I tried to focus but the embarrassment was acute. Well...you are lookig pretty but when you see it in your man's eyes...trust me you can't avoid blushing. And then I was near the stage and he came forward and held out his hand and wow it was just amazing. So romantic...so utterly beautiful...what was I to do but not feel the butterflies erupt in my stomach. And then I was on the stage and turned to look at the mass of people gathered...and there goes the wedding! My age long stage fright kicked me hard in my gut and every pleasure left my heart.
That's right...don't ask me anything else about the wedding! I mean just imagine people you have never set your eyes on are gawking at you, assessing you and commenting about you...the photographer is constantly clicking away the camera, not giving you any moment's worth of rest...the chattering and the endless list of relatives. All of a sudden you are a bhabhi, a chachi, a mami and god knows what all...and to think that everyone is expecting you would remember there face when yu can hardly see! And not to mention the agonizing pain in your cheeks beause you have been constantly smiling for hours now...the excruciating pain in your limbs that has finaly started to acknowledge the add on weight of your dress...Whoever said weddings are beautiful never got married!!!
Inspite of the terror ride...its strange how you think about the day and your heart fills with a mystical happiness...how you look back at all the weird and crazy happenings of the day...for instance the time the light bulb exploded and burnt a hole in my dress and set my groom on fire!!!...and can't help but smile. It's strange that you can not remember a time when you wanted to be somewhere else and yet fel your heart start to murmur a long lost hindi song all mush and everything...
It's strange that I believe that getting married is no fun...yet...I say it with a smile on my face and a sparkle in my eyes...
Please don't be alarmed...my wedding was equally beautiful and well lit and cheerful and everyhing...the only thing is...I never noticed any of it. And it is not because my heart was thudding wildly in my chest and my eyes were all dreamy about the man standing next to me...my soul mate soon going to be my husband! It was plain and simple stage fright!
The day started off with all the joys and then it was a long trip to the parlour...getting dressed for your wedding is a long job!!! The excitement was there. After all that evening I would finally be married to the man I had loved for six long years! My wait was over and my dreams would come true. At that moment I hardly cared that my dress and jwellery had easily topped 10 kilos...the moment was simple bliss. And then it was the moment I would be face to face with him...walking flanked by my sister and bhabhi and all the cousins and loved ones, I tried to focus but the embarrassment was acute. Well...you are lookig pretty but when you see it in your man's eyes...trust me you can't avoid blushing. And then I was near the stage and he came forward and held out his hand and wow it was just amazing. So romantic...so utterly beautiful...what was I to do but not feel the butterflies erupt in my stomach. And then I was on the stage and turned to look at the mass of people gathered...and there goes the wedding! My age long stage fright kicked me hard in my gut and every pleasure left my heart.
That's right...don't ask me anything else about the wedding! I mean just imagine people you have never set your eyes on are gawking at you, assessing you and commenting about you...the photographer is constantly clicking away the camera, not giving you any moment's worth of rest...the chattering and the endless list of relatives. All of a sudden you are a bhabhi, a chachi, a mami and god knows what all...and to think that everyone is expecting you would remember there face when yu can hardly see! And not to mention the agonizing pain in your cheeks beause you have been constantly smiling for hours now...the excruciating pain in your limbs that has finaly started to acknowledge the add on weight of your dress...Whoever said weddings are beautiful never got married!!!
Inspite of the terror ride...its strange how you think about the day and your heart fills with a mystical happiness...how you look back at all the weird and crazy happenings of the day...for instance the time the light bulb exploded and burnt a hole in my dress and set my groom on fire!!!...and can't help but smile. It's strange that you can not remember a time when you wanted to be somewhere else and yet fel your heart start to murmur a long lost hindi song all mush and everything...
It's strange that I believe that getting married is no fun...yet...I say it with a smile on my face and a sparkle in my eyes...
Thursday, April 02, 2009
I am a strange person...am I not? I go on and announce that I am cming back to bloggerdom and bang do a vanishing act again. Honestly...I had gotten into these really bad lazy modes and even sitting in front of a computer was such a drag!!! I never realized getting married would bring out the worst in me. I would share this comment a friend once made...a very dear friend of mine told me, "Kanika, the day you fall in love you would not be able to write!" He believed that and today...after six years he thinks that he has proved his point. That friend is now my husband and what to say...I would not wish to believe that could happen to me. I can still write...but one thing I have to give to him...I don't know what to write about. The other day I was inspired about writing this blog about the Story After the Ever After! I mean...you know take up the challenge of taking up where most of the people love to leave their stories at...As to what happens to Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth once they move over to Pemberly....What happens to Raj and Simran after he pulls her on board that train? In short...What happens when two people totally in love with each other get married!!!!
I can write about that now....seeing that I belong to that category now...that's right...I would fashion myself a new blog...See you there!!!!
I can write about that now....seeing that I belong to that category now...that's right...I would fashion myself a new blog...See you there!!!!
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
Saturday, November 08, 2008
LOG OUT
A few months ago I announced a new blog and today I am happy to announce I am throwing it in the trash!!!!!
Surprised?
Well Coffee Chronicles was started for a very special reason...it was a bunch of memories...a whole lot of bitter experiences and a wide range of emotions...both happy and sad moments...and I am so happy to say that they mean nothing anymore.
Sometimes it is essential to let go off your past, trash the memories that made you laugh and cry...
It is essential so that we can have a new beginning....More of less like cleaning your hard disk so as to store more data...
The Coffee is finished...the morning has arrived...I am ready to lay my headset and call it a day...Call Centre would sleep and I shall walk out into the bright sunlight...
No more stories and no more thoughts...I call it Curtains and bow out in grace.
And I only pray that whoever stood by me and appreciated my stories read my name again...on a hardbound....
With this wish I say adieu my friend...Thank You.
Surprised?
Well Coffee Chronicles was started for a very special reason...it was a bunch of memories...a whole lot of bitter experiences and a wide range of emotions...both happy and sad moments...and I am so happy to say that they mean nothing anymore.
Sometimes it is essential to let go off your past, trash the memories that made you laugh and cry...
It is essential so that we can have a new beginning....More of less like cleaning your hard disk so as to store more data...
The Coffee is finished...the morning has arrived...I am ready to lay my headset and call it a day...Call Centre would sleep and I shall walk out into the bright sunlight...
No more stories and no more thoughts...I call it Curtains and bow out in grace.
And I only pray that whoever stood by me and appreciated my stories read my name again...on a hardbound....
With this wish I say adieu my friend...Thank You.
Monday, September 29, 2008
Friday, June 20, 2008
Perfect life...
How do you write a perfect story? What is it that one sould keep in mind while writing a story that would catch people's attention? There has to be something special, something unique about the central character. Something that eithr shocks or srprises the reader or maybe gains the reader's empathy! A certain amount of twists and turns, a few revolutionary idea or maybe a certain complicated love angle. That is perhaps why Deepanshu's life holds no lure to the sect of famous storytellers.
There was nothing that would make a person frown or laugh or for that matter cry. A very normalguy with a very ordinary life. Born into a comfortable home, Deepanshu had everything. A doting mother and a caring father; an elder brother who was easily his best friend as well and a younger sister who was just too sweet and afectionate. He went to a regular school and was through and through an above average student. Teacher's seldom found any fault in him. If they did complain then it was his below average score in Geography but then that is again normal. He scored well enough to get admission in his choice of subject and after completing his graduation went to another institute for his post graduation. That is where he met Priyanka and it was love at first sight.
Regardless of the fact that Priyanka belonged to another cast, the families had no objection to the match. He joined the family business after his marriage that provided the bread and butter to the family. Life came a full circle for him when his son joines his business and his daughter went on to become an architect. When Deepanshu died at the age of 80, it can be safely said that he died an old and happy man.
Sadly nobody wanted to write a story about Deepanshu for there was just nothing in his life worth mentioning. Deepanshu's life was magical...some would say almost like a fairytale with a happily ever after...
Ironical ain't it? Nobody wants to write about his life for it was PERFECT!
There was nothing that would make a person frown or laugh or for that matter cry. A very normalguy with a very ordinary life. Born into a comfortable home, Deepanshu had everything. A doting mother and a caring father; an elder brother who was easily his best friend as well and a younger sister who was just too sweet and afectionate. He went to a regular school and was through and through an above average student. Teacher's seldom found any fault in him. If they did complain then it was his below average score in Geography but then that is again normal. He scored well enough to get admission in his choice of subject and after completing his graduation went to another institute for his post graduation. That is where he met Priyanka and it was love at first sight.
Regardless of the fact that Priyanka belonged to another cast, the families had no objection to the match. He joined the family business after his marriage that provided the bread and butter to the family. Life came a full circle for him when his son joines his business and his daughter went on to become an architect. When Deepanshu died at the age of 80, it can be safely said that he died an old and happy man.
Sadly nobody wanted to write a story about Deepanshu for there was just nothing in his life worth mentioning. Deepanshu's life was magical...some would say almost like a fairytale with a happily ever after...
Ironical ain't it? Nobody wants to write about his life for it was PERFECT!
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Infidelity...
She looked at the endless horizon, her heart amiss, mind battling with the knowledge, trying to decide what she wished and what she wanted to do. The sun would set in another half hour and she would be on her way back home. It was not difficult. She could easily go to his place...or she could simply forget about it all and go back home. Nobody would ask her anything...but what was it that she wanted to do? Sighing she stared on, trying to clear her head with the memories of last night. It had been amazing...he had been amazing. She still remembered the look in his eyes when she was leaving him, the gentle imploring eyes, asking her to stay, to be with him. But...Ashu...
She was done thinking. It was time to act and she purposefully put the car in gear and was on her way. Was it right? She cared not anymore. She wanted to be with him...but she was committed to Ashu...
Her mind battled on with the thought and before she knew she had stopped the car. Looking at the door she pondered again...the feeling crossed her heart then. That utter softness, the helplessness she had felt. It had been such a long time she had felt goosebumps. And he had been responsible for that one. She sighed and stepped out of the car. Everyone deserves one stupidity in life...one impulsive decision. Taking in a deep breath she walked purposefully towards the door and stopped thinking.
He sat right next to her, his head peacefully resting on her lap while she played with his hair. It had been simply wonderful so far yet she felt guilt swathing her heart. Ashu...Would he...her mind cleared as he moved a little and snuggled his head deeper into her lap lovingly . Ashu was out of town...smiling she looked at her lap and wondered at the shining black sheen of hair. She would worry about Ashu when he came back ten days later...right now she had something really important to think about. Smiling she clasped his face in between both her hands and looked into his eyes, fighting to stay close...
"What should I call you?"
He yelped as she picked him up in one swift motion and relaxed again when she put him down back on her lap.
She was done thinking. It was time to act and she purposefully put the car in gear and was on her way. Was it right? She cared not anymore. She wanted to be with him...but she was committed to Ashu...
Her mind battled on with the thought and before she knew she had stopped the car. Looking at the door she pondered again...the feeling crossed her heart then. That utter softness, the helplessness she had felt. It had been such a long time she had felt goosebumps. And he had been responsible for that one. She sighed and stepped out of the car. Everyone deserves one stupidity in life...one impulsive decision. Taking in a deep breath she walked purposefully towards the door and stopped thinking.
He sat right next to her, his head peacefully resting on her lap while she played with his hair. It had been simply wonderful so far yet she felt guilt swathing her heart. Ashu...Would he...her mind cleared as he moved a little and snuggled his head deeper into her lap lovingly . Ashu was out of town...smiling she looked at her lap and wondered at the shining black sheen of hair. She would worry about Ashu when he came back ten days later...right now she had something really important to think about. Smiling she clasped his face in between both her hands and looked into his eyes, fighting to stay close...
"What should I call you?"
He yelped as she picked him up in one swift motion and relaxed again when she put him down back on her lap.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Breaking the barrier!
She stood at the edge of the pool, her face a mosaic of fear and astonishment. The water seemed to ripple gently in the breeze, calling out to her inner most spirit to try and dive into the comforts of its depths and her mind racing to overcome the fear. The cold embrace of the water and the fear of no air...she did not know how to swim...how could she dive...
"Go on," the voice came from behind and she looked back at her mother, sitting impatiently at the chair by the poolside, the irritation at her hesitations too obvious on the beautiful face.
"You would not drown..."
"Wait up...I would jump." she said and raised one foot off the ground, deciding to take the leap. And then she kept it firmly back on the edge...sure the floor looked close enough but the markings said 17 ft...that was almost thrice her height. Gravity would simply pull her down...and she...
All thoughts left her mind as panic coursed through her spine. It was a firm push, a hand she was well aware of...and she was falling. There was no time to scream as water engulfed her and she was sinking. Deeper and deeper she fell and her feet touched the floor. Her face tilted to look out, to assess how far she was from air...from life and without realizing when her feet pushed her off the floor and she was rising through the cool cushion, her hands outstretched...ready to pierce the fine layer that lay between her and air...
The air rushed into her lungs as her mouth opened wide with first contact of air. Without knowing how, she was paddling with all her might and her hands closed around the edge of the pool, holding on to ground with all its might. Looking around she saw her mother, still standing from where she had pushed her and laughing at her. All fear seemed to leave her as a smile lighted her face.
"Liked it?"
"Don't push me like that!"
This memory just keeps coming back to me a lot. I learnt how to swim...to my trainer's delight in 3 days! It's been a while i have not been able t plunge into a pool and am aching for that comfort. Why am I reliving this moment off late so much? For this is something that goes on to define my mum...her spirit and her role and making me what I am. For a while now I am trying hard to surface...and recently I felt the layer of water breaking over my head and the fresh air filling my lungs with a new vigour...it was like my life was suspended for a while and I am just realizing after a long long time that I am still alive.
I apologise for the absence...and wish to thank a certain someone who reminded me that I need to push...Life is looking promising again...lets see where it takes me this time....
"Go on," the voice came from behind and she looked back at her mother, sitting impatiently at the chair by the poolside, the irritation at her hesitations too obvious on the beautiful face.
"You would not drown..."
"Wait up...I would jump." she said and raised one foot off the ground, deciding to take the leap. And then she kept it firmly back on the edge...sure the floor looked close enough but the markings said 17 ft...that was almost thrice her height. Gravity would simply pull her down...and she...
All thoughts left her mind as panic coursed through her spine. It was a firm push, a hand she was well aware of...and she was falling. There was no time to scream as water engulfed her and she was sinking. Deeper and deeper she fell and her feet touched the floor. Her face tilted to look out, to assess how far she was from air...from life and without realizing when her feet pushed her off the floor and she was rising through the cool cushion, her hands outstretched...ready to pierce the fine layer that lay between her and air...
The air rushed into her lungs as her mouth opened wide with first contact of air. Without knowing how, she was paddling with all her might and her hands closed around the edge of the pool, holding on to ground with all its might. Looking around she saw her mother, still standing from where she had pushed her and laughing at her. All fear seemed to leave her as a smile lighted her face.
"Liked it?"
"Don't push me like that!"
This memory just keeps coming back to me a lot. I learnt how to swim...to my trainer's delight in 3 days! It's been a while i have not been able t plunge into a pool and am aching for that comfort. Why am I reliving this moment off late so much? For this is something that goes on to define my mum...her spirit and her role and making me what I am. For a while now I am trying hard to surface...and recently I felt the layer of water breaking over my head and the fresh air filling my lungs with a new vigour...it was like my life was suspended for a while and I am just realizing after a long long time that I am still alive.
I apologise for the absence...and wish to thank a certain someone who reminded me that I need to push...Life is looking promising again...lets see where it takes me this time....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)