In My Element!

A very strange incident once made me wonder just how fascinated I am with the color that is actually not a color. Black...the color of the night...the color that brings to me the feeling of being home. Comfort is what the color inspires in me. And today with Holi just round the corner I shall talk about my color...my element...about Black!
I knew Black was always there but when my best friend started noticing that every birthday I wore nothing but black I knew it was something I was really partial to. And then my mum started complaining that I wore nothing but black. So much so was the love that when after two odd years i chanced to meet an old friend from Hughes he remembered that Black was my favorite color, promptly telling me that he never saw me in any other color! My MBA days were totally black...a friend once threatened me that if I wore black another day she would tear my suit or perhaps burn a hole in it! Yet off late I went away from Black. As I say...i got deviated and it was majorly because it is not appropriate to wear black to office and everything of the sort! My blacks were now limited to expensive suits meant to be worn on special occasions. My wardrobe which had at one point of time no other color than black went blue, mustard, green, purple, red and god knows what all. Slowly black retrieved into one corner and that was that! Two days ago I went back to my element. I was completely black and I knew...I was home. People perhaps wonder what is with this strange fascination with Black. And I try and explain to them what black means to me.

Black is everything in itself...a beginning and an end...black is life, black is love...many would frown at me associating black with love but somehow in their hearts they would agree...its that void that is complete, its that chaos that brings peace...its that state of confusion that brings contentment in its wake...its that color that makes everything equal...for when lights cease....everything is nothing but Black!

Black for me signifies the three most important words...Hope...of a bright morning after the dark night...
Faith...in that power which is as empty yet as whole as the color...
And Love...the essence of life...the darkest and most primitive emotion whose two extremes are Black! the emotion that negates light and make everyone equal...

Here is wishing everyone a Very Happy Holi...

One is the loneliest number....Nah!

Woodie inspired me for this post and I have been itching to write about it since Valentine Blues and finally I shall try and list 20 reasons why Being Single is a GOOOD Thing! Here goes nothing

1. You don't wait for you phone to ring!
2. It's absolutely okay to check out people of the opposite sex!
3. You don't need to remember a zillion dates...birthdays, anniversaries (first month to first year god forbid!)
4. You can like as many men/women as you like without any guilt trips. Come one Come all!
5. If after a day's work you are tired, go right ahead and sleep...don't have to worry about calling someone up and talking!
6. You get to eat your ice cream in totality!
7 Chocolates can be devoured without worrying about not able to fit into the top he bought for you!
8 You can spend all your salary on yourself.
9. YOU CAN SULK AND CRIB WHEN YOU SEE A COUPLE HAND IN HAND AND RENDER A POETIC BEAUTY TO JEALOUSY.
10. Limited phone bills!
11. No one to frown at undone eyebrows! Or to shout about a clean shaved face! Be comfortable the way you want to be!
12. You get to improve your vocabulary...especially slangs and curses that happen with direct reference to point 9.
13. You can wear the color you like...no one to tell you...Don't Wear that color...I Hate it!
14. Can take words at their face value...no analyzing what is the real question or the motive behind the questions.
15. Nobody asks you how am I looking and no reason to think twice before answering!
16. For artists its a definite blessing...emotions are expressed in all their glory.
17. You don't have to worry about bad breath when you wake up in the morning.
18. Your bed is only yours and it does not matter which side you sleep on or which side you wake up.
19. You can sit for hours deciding what kind of a partner you seek in life...not that it would matter but at least it is better to think when you are alone rather than when you are with someone and can't do nothing about it .
FINALLY...
20. You are your own self...and your own best friend!

Good bye! (Concluding Part)

(I apologize for the delay. But the circumstances were not in my hands.)

In the end it is always the same! Everyone finds what they were looking for. The reality of life is that few would know what they were looking for and appreciate it when they find it and few would keep looking even if they had it! That was perhaps true for Nisha. She knew what she wanted as long as she did not have it and when she did have it...She never knew what she truly wanted and kept looking. In the process she went farther than her destiny; till she reached the end of the road and for her there was no turning back. And she stopped looking...

Deepak looked at Nisha standing all by herself on the edge of the cliff. Their last night together, he thought and looked back at the people gathered around the fire, telling stories, laughing and enjoying the peace. Divya sat huddled next to him, her head resting on his shoulder and eyes sparkling. She was content sitting with everyone tonight and his eyes drifted back at the solitary figure, outlined by the moonlight. He could see the smoke curling away into the dark night and something in his heart turned. He would not see her again...Tomorrow when they all went back, she would go away forever. It had been a last trip. Nisha was flying to US of A two days later and from this place she would go and spend one last day with her aunt. It had all been planned as a farewell for Nisha and it was time to say bye. Pulling his hand away from Divya he attempted to stand. She frowned and then smiled as he kissed her gently on her forehead.
"Five minutes." He said and signaled towards Nisha. Divya nodded and straightened. She knew what Deepak was feeling or she thought she knew what he was feeling. Nisha was easily a cherished friend and she was going away forever. She was content sitting by the fire, her face glowing with happiness. Deepak had spent the entire day with her and that was all she had wanted. She was predisposed to happiness at the moment. And besides, the stories were very interesting.

"Hi..." he said softly and she turned, her face bathed in the moonlight.
"Hi." she replied and looked away at the vast emptiness. It was amazing standing there, just by herself.
"What are you thinking?" he asked. Shrugging she threw away the cigarette.
"Nothing really. Was enjoying the void."
"Ah..."
"What?" she turned to look at the smile mocking her. He shrugged and took out a cigarette and lighted it.
"Nothing. Nice statement...that's all!" There was that characteristic satire in his voice which she knew of.
"Well I really wasn't thinking anything!"
"Right..."
"Deepak!"
"Nisha!!!"
She looked away then and felt his eyes on her face, trying to read beneath the layers of her thoughts.
"It was a nice trip."
"Yes it was."
"Deepak...sometimes I wonder..." she did not finish the statement as her heart hastened to remind her that it was too late. Way too late for her to even start wondering. She had done enough of wondering, analysing and reanalyzing. No good had it done and no good would it do any further!
"What do you wonder Nisha?" he asked and she shook her head.
"It's not important."
"And why would you decide that?" his voice was impatient and iced with just a hint of anger. She looked into his eyes then and instantly he knew and she knew he knew!
"Nisha...say it!"
"Why should I say it? Would it change anything? Would it make any difference?"
"Yes it would. It would mean a lot to me." Deepak said and she knew he meant it.
"I never stopped Nisha. For there was nothing left to stop. Long before you said whatever you said...I had crossed that point of no return!"
"Deepak..."
"Say it once. I promise I would..."
"How's Divya?" she cut him mid sentence and his face changed. Face contorting he took a long drag from his cigarette.
"Do you like her?" he asked and she nodded.
"She is very pretty."
Nodding he puffed away on his cigarette.
"You love her Deepak. It's all there. We were always just good friends and we shall always be."
"What if it had been different?"
He was in pain and she could feel it in her heart. He did like Divya...almost loved her. But he searched for more...searched for someone else. She had long made her decision. There were things one had no control on and at this moment she felt helpless, bound by her own priorities.
"I will miss you!" she said and he nodded. Tears filled her eyes then and he walked closer.
"Will miss you too."
He hugged her then and she let the tears fall. Holding on to him she felt him kiss her gently on her neck and she did not resist. He was holding on to her and she knew she had hurt him, yet again. But it was for the best!

"Hey Nisha...how do you plan that we say good bye to you if you are not here?" Priyank shouted from the group and she turned to look at the people gathered around fire. For her. They walked back to the crowd and she gave them a watery smile.
"Don't cry yet..." Priyank joked and she held Deepak's hand tighter as tears started to fall without any prelude.
"Thanks guys. I would miss all of you..."
"Hey...Its only three years. We shall all be together once again!" Priyank said and they all were standing. Her eyes went from one face to another and she smiled. Letting go of Deepak's hand she went on to hug them one by one. That was the moment...

Deepak's hand was still arched, feeling the warmth of the fingers that had been there for a while. And then someone else was holding his hand and he turned to realize Divya, standing close to him. He clutched her tightly and then let it go. He turned and walked towards the room. There was nothing left now.

Nisha saw him walking away and closed her eyes. It was better this way...A dream is beautiful as long as it is a dream.

Divya looked at Deepak walking away and felt the pain start knocking at her heart strings again. She had wanted to tell Deepak and then he had told her about this trip. Tomorrow they would go back and...she shuddered at the thought. It would break him completely!
"I have decided Divya...and not one word from you...you are leaving that job. Its only a stupid call center. Your Australian Visa has arrived and you would go and pursue your studies. That's final. You crib or cry...your call!" her dad's voice sounded in her ears and she knew she would go. Yes she loved Deepak but she also knew her father! He would never understand and besides...Deepak had been the sweetest dream of her life. The fact remained that when the night ended people said Good bye. And these ten months in the call center had come to an end. It was time for to say Good bye.

The Sun Shines Supreme

The worst part about sleeping under a starlit sky is you wake up to a a glaring sun! Deepak winced in his sleep and fumbled for a little cover to shade his eyes. Yet it was futile attempt. A shawl was no match to the morning sun. Moving restlessly on the quilt he finally gave up. A volley of colors greeted his eyes. A sight worthy of angels! The blue sky patched with white streaks, brown peaks smiling back at you, flowers swaying to the morning breeze! Yet it was all lost to the eyes that seeked a dark shelter, a warmer bed and loads of sleep. Looking at his watch he grimaced and shook his head. The shawl was discarded without a second thought as he stood up and walked back to his room. It was barely six thirty!

The room was still comfortably dark and his eyes took a little time to adjust to the shadows. They saw her then, sleeping all curled in one corner of the bed, arms flung over her head. Memories tried to come back but were soon shut out. Sitting beside Divya he gently removed the strands of hair that lay on her cheeks. She fidgeted in her sleep and opened the dreamy eyes. Her lips parted and before sound took shape of words he kissed her. There was nothing worth talking about. It was better this way and she too accepted. Talking was not important. The moment had passed and it was a new day...

Nisha turned restlessly on her bed. The sun rays had somehow managed to find space enough from the edges of the curtain and now danced to their own tune right on her face. Turning her face away she looked at the door, unlatched yet closed. She weirdly remembered the dream, and was acutely aware of the thoughts that danced in her head. It would not do, she told herself and sat up on the bed. Moments that pass never come back. Memories flooded her then. Memories of the days gone by. Of the nights like the last one when they all had sat together, when he had let his head rest on her lap carelessly. Vivid memories now haunted her mornings of the nights they had just sat together, talking endlessly about life and its nuiances, about love and its pain and about nothing at all. The comfortable silence of his company now pierced through the silence of her loneliness. It was all gone now and would not come back. She still remembered that kiss...a moment of passion that had killed it all. How could she back off then and now wish for it?
"We are friends Deepak. And that's all we shall ever be!" her voice mocked her and she walked towards the open window. She could see the shawl lying on the quilt but he was missing. Refusing to think where he must be she picked up her cigarette case and lighted one. Her eyes drifted towards the barren brown peaks smiling back at her. There was an unearthly beauty about them. The pain of lost love! Sitting on the edge of the window her eyes took in the canvass of her life stretched in front of her. Like her life, the peaks had seen better days, and now they both stared at greener pastures, pastures filled with promise. Like the peaks that now waited in shadows, she too waited for the sun to turn around and look at her once again, wished for the warmth of the bright sun when all she now had was the comfort of a cold moonlit night. How she had walked towards that night, almost as if searching for the same and how now she hoped she had basked in the sun while she had a chance to. Sitting on the chair she let her head fall back, not fighting the misery anymore. He was gone, for good or worse she would never know...but he was gone forever! And for some reason the dream became a regret before she even dreamt it.

(Concluding part on Tuesday, the 20th!)

Valentine Blues!

Whoever thought Love was easy! You have it...Problem! You don't have it...Bigger Problem. With the advent of the month of February, something changes. All of a sudden flowers blossom, there is a general happiness about the air altogether and most importantly you see one too many hearts dangling off every possible hook! As they say...Love is in the Air! God honestly sometime they make it sound like a disease! Some kind of a microbe all ready to clutch you, hold your heart on ransom and give you pain to last for a lifetime! And strangely if you are seen lurking around any of these cool places without a proper partner, people look at you as if you are a busted heart shaped balloon with no takers! Thanks for that help nahin!

I am sounding like a totally disoriented female right now and its anybody's guess that yes there is a bit of bitterness in the heart. A small pang of jealousy does seem to surface whenever I see those lovely mushy coochie coo moments! Yet strangely there is a certain warmth. A warmth that I can feel in my heart, yet sadly lacking in the eyes of the love birds hidden behind a dozen and a half beautiful roses!

I woke up to a mystical morning. Sounds of rain mingled with chants of Om Jai Jagdish Hare reached my ears. Everything was just perfect, my first cup of morning tea, the cool breeze and my warm bed! What else could I ask for? A warm shower, warmer smile of two most adorable kids in the world and it was already a promisisng day! Add to that a drive through the rain, a steaming mug of coffee and good friends! What was missing in my life? Nothing...till I saw a red balloon...and then a second one, a third and fourth and...well you guessed it. I stopped counting! A strange thought nagged me yet again...For one day...why do people realize they love someone?

Now I am back on my bed. Its warm and comfortable. I am listening good music, can hear clouds rumbling up high in the sky, can feel the wind glide through the open window and envelope me. There is that comfort in the heart that everyone I truly love is sleeping peacefully in his/her respective bed, that he/she is warm and safe. My heart has known love and the pain. Perhaps I still don't have a VALENTINE...yet...Life is beautiful. Maybe next year I would have a valentine...maybe not...yet...I know I would never hope for one Valentine day...for it's all there really!

To all of you...A Very Happy Valentine's Day. And I would be posting the story in a couple of days...and oh yes...I could not resist giving a glimpse of my mornin world to all...A view from my balcony!

A moment too many

Divya turned helplessly on the bed, feeling misery wash over her soul. There were things on her mind and more than that she had dreams in the sleepless eyes. Many times she had walked over to the window, frowning at the lonely figure sitting on the quilts that had been placed around the fire for their group. The fire had long died yet he stayed where he was, his figure highlighted by the pale moonlight. And everytime she looked at the empty bed her heart twisted within her. How she had dreamt of this night, the night they would be together, cherishing each other's company. Her eyes sought the shadows that had started to form shapes now. A glimmer of moonlight escaped the curtains and danced on the empty bed, reminding her of all the dreams she had brewed. Her eyes filled with tears and she hid her face in the pillow...it would not do! Somehow he would never understand! What was she to say to him? How was she to make him understand that she needed him, wanted him to be with her...just her! How she ached to have his arms about her only her heart knew. How she dreamt of a kiss! How she felt her skin tingle and how she wished him to look at her the way she had looked at him! Yet he would never do that! But that was not what was troubling her. It was the cold good night he had uttered! Without really saying anything they had had a fight...again. She knew he thought he was right but she wanted to tell him that even she was right! She had wanted to sit with him under the moon and talk. But she knew he would never understand!!!!

Deepak felt the wind gently whisper a gentle lullaby in his ears as he stretched on the quilt. It was a beautiful night really! The moon now high up in the sky glowed in all it's glory of lost love. He was not drunk...infact he was far from it. His eyelashes attempted to pull the curtain yet eyes wished to stare into the night. It was somehow comforting to do nothing, hear nothing and feel nothing.
"You haven't slept as yet?" the voice came from behind and he turned his head slightly before smiling.
"Apparently I haven't!"
Nisha nodded and sat on the mattress opposite to him, extracting the pack of cigarettes she offered one to him and lighted one for herself.
"I thought you had slept!" Deepak said and Nisha shook her head.
"I wasn't sleepy when I left. Just..."
"Just?"
"Leave it. It's not important. But what are you doing sitting here?"
"Trying to count the stars."
Her eyes sparkled under the moonlight as she looked at the sky.
"So how many so far?'
"Two..." he shrugged and looked back at the sky, noticing how the smoke twisted and curled in the still air before the night enveloped it.
"Nisha...could I ask you a question?'
"Sure." she said and looked at him as his face turned back to look into her eyes.
"What is it with..." he stopped and looked back towards the emptiness stretched out in front of his eyes.
"Why is a full moon romantic? What makes it so?"
Nisha knew that was not what he had wished to ask but she did not feel like probing. That was not what he wanted right now. She did not make any attempt to answer either for it had not been a question...just a thought. A passing moment of confusion that clouded his eyes.
"It's nothing but a small spec of light on a black canvas! A circle! A pale orb hanging from the sky, looking down at us! What is it about the full moon and..."
"Women?" she finally completed his sentence and he looked at her.
"Had a fight. did you?" she asked and he sighed.
"Not really no."
She offered no response and none was needed. The silence was comfortable.
"I bet she ain't sleeping either." She said after a couple of minutes and he looked at her.
"She would...eventually!"
"That is being heartless now."
"I don't care what it is." Deepak muttered and threw away the cigarette. The silence stretched between them for how long Nisha would never know. It was just alright to sit beside him. She knew instintively her presence was felt.
"I guess I would sleep now." Nisha said and stood up. Deepak made no attempt to move. His eyes closed he looked every bit adorable. Instinctively she pulled off her shawl and covered him. He opened his eyes once, looked at her face bent over him and then closed his eyes again.
"Good night Deepak." Nisha whispered and a steady breath told her he was asleep. Smiling she went back to her room. This moment she knew she would cherish forever!

To be contd.

Good Night!

It was a scene right out of a romantic novel. There was everything that made the moment magical. A full moon, the wide expanse of a valley stretched in front, the faint fragnance of flowers in the mildly cold breeze that ruffled your senses as you sat witnessing nature at its best. Yet there was nothing romantic about the company! Divya looked around at the people huddled around the bon fire, all singing in the silent night with voice that could make the frogs shout out in protest. She smiled as her eyes found him, raising his glass in salute to something she was not aware of. Sighing she hoped he would look at her, notice how she had excused herself from the company of friends and wandered away to a solitary place. How she wished he would understand the subtle gestures she had dropped! Yet she knew him to ignore them. How she ached only she knew. He would know what she felt at the moment, would understand her whims yet ignore them like someone would ignore the whims of a child! Staring back at the valley she tried to ignore it. The moment would go waste, and she would waste away the moment waiting for someone she knew would not come!

"Hamein tumse Pyaar Kitna...." Priyank croaked and the furore started! Half dazed by the liquor everyone joined in. There was just something about the night that was magical! Flames blazing in the center, people cuddled up close, old hindi melodies resonating in the wind...Deepak looked over towards the edge. She was not a party to the celebrations. Gulping down the remnants of his glass he so wished she would hold this moment and make it memorable! Yet she always felt loneliness was romantic! How he wished she would realize that they would have lonely moments together...yet this moment, a moment of shear happiness, of nostalgia and most importantly a moment of togetherness was rare. They would not be able to be kids again, would not be able to enjoy youth the way they could at this very moment! How he knew of her signs he pointedly ignored! How he wondered if she could understand happiness the way he felt it!

The clouds danced on the indigo sky, romancing the moon. A moment the valley would drift into darkness and the flames burn up the night, for a moment the tempos would rise with those flames and then simmer down like a flickering candle. Laughter and friendship...

People started to drift to their rooms. Until the moment it was only Deepak and Divya, sitting as far as possible. She turned and saw him then, staring thoughtfully into the fire that had started to die.
"Everyone left?" she asked and he nodded, not looking at her. He knew she had walked nearer to him, was aware of her standing just behind him. Yet the moment had passed!
"Well I guess I would call it a night!"
"Yeah..."
"Uh...Good night then!" she said and he looked at her.
"Good night!"

To be contd.

How many times have I wondered what love is! How many times have I found out! And how many times have I proven myself wrong?

A couple of days ago a friend of mine decided to enlighten me about the small facts of love! A whole lot of giving and caring and sharing! To be honest I was...well bored! And yes a bit angered by the usage of words trying to define a sublime feeling! And when I went on to say that love I have known...love I feel and that purest form of love is what I feel for my nephew she went on to correct me that it will not stand the test of time! That as and when I have "the" man in my life I shall change. I would want to do things for him! That I would forget about my nephew and though I would not love him any less my priorities would change!

I don't blame her and am not angry from her! She hardly knows me! An aquaintance of a month is no master of my feelings! And apparently with time I would change! When that man finally drops from the heavens I would know...I apologise...Sarcasm does not help here! It is a delicate matter and requires some serious thinking and milder tone!

To all the people who are reading this post I wish to ask, Can you define one moment when death stared you in the eye and you smiled and laughed? I can! Though it is a very personal moment I wish to share it with people today.

2nd September 2002, 6:30 am, on my way to the hospital where my dad was admitted.

A cloudy morning, just pale glimmer of sunlight over the horizon and a thought flashed across my mind. A thought I was scared the instant it happened. Looking at the purple sky I had whispered..."Today We shall take you home Papa!" and that instant I knew. I tried to disregard the thought and when we reached the hospital the worst was waiting for us! I don't have the courage to relive the moment again. And I don't wish to do that. But I wish to share what I did that day! I lost my father. The man who was more to me than any other man had ever been! The man who had woken me up every morning, who had taught me how to walk, how to behave, how to pray! The man who had waited in front of the examination halls to greet me with a smile, the man who rang the doorbell every evening at 6 and the man who would go to the hell to get a smile on my face! I lost him...forever! We took him back that day...gagged and bound in bandages! Even his face was covered in white muslin! And his lifeless body was placed on the floor as people gathered around him. My nephew was barely 2 years old and he doted on my dad. Sleeping peacefully in his room he was not aware of the tragedy. And he was not to know!

How could you make a two year old go through that! I went to his room then. I had to make sure he never left the room! And I laughed with him, smiled at his jokes. All the while when my dad stayed in his house, while his body still rested on the ground awaiting the last journey I stayed locked in that room making sure not a single tear escaped the eyes! I did it because I loved him...I love him!

My father left us never to come back! I realized how life was the biggest irony of death! And I realized love can not be defined! I love my father. I hate it when people sometimes correct me and say loved your father! I still love him. Then why did I not sit by his body for as long as I could? Did I love my nephew more? How could anybody who had been in your life for 2 years replace someone who had been for 20?
I did it because I knew I could not bring my father back! I knew I had responsibilities now! I knew I had to save the innocence from getting lost in tears!

The point of this tale. Love is not a limited quantity! We can love so many people! I love so many of them! But for me my neohew is not only my love...he is that love that showed me what life is all about! Just a hug from him can light up the darkest days! His smile can make me forget any pain or misery! He is that part of my soul who made me smile even when I was shattered!

In time things might change. I might become selfish! (More than I am right now!). But I would always remember...For Kishu I would laugh even if death was here to take me...just so that tears never touch his eyes! That is love to me...I only wish to say that those who know love please don't try to dictate that on others and presume that it is the only sort of love! Life is too precious to be limited by one sort of Love. And Love is too precious for only one Life!

Why Not!

Different phases and different moods. Same question...(Why?) and same answer...(Why not!)

Yesterday, its anybody's guess, I was particularly blue. I was depressed, lonely and utterly confused. Well, the heart is still amiss, eyes are particularly wet yet the cold wind is softer, milder and definitely heart warming! I am still lonely, I still have the same nostalgia, the grief and the pain...yet I also have the faith...that all shall be fine...hope of a beautiful tomorrow and love of my family. As of now...I want nothing more!

I am strangely content with my situation in life...am at peace with myself and in complete harmony with mother nature. When I hugged ma today, everything was just perfect. Her hand on my head, the dreams in her eyes and the tender kiss on the forehead!

I am not asking god why he did what he did for its not for me to ask...Its for me to simply smile and look at the heavens...feel his warmth as he gently wraps his arm around me and holds me together, feel his laughter as I sulk and complain. Its for me to simply say...I love you God. And then...Why not??? Why not scream! cry! rant! laugh!

Why not indeed!

To all who read the previous post, thanks for listening!
And to all who read this post (without reading the previous one!), I am sure you would now be getting ready to read the previous post...I shall only say...thanks!

Why?

Okay. I have tried in vain! It won't do! Please allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you!!! No erase that last sentence. There is no one I would say these three words and mean them. I remember when I came back to blogger I told myself I would not talk about how I really feel, would not mention anything that is personal for I was scared...Scared perhaps of attracting bad luck! But then what the hell!!! It is my space and I would scream if I want to, curse if my heart aches to do that and rant about the injustices that I sometimes believe have been meted out to me. If I wish to talk about my pa I would do that, even if it makes me weak and vulnerable I don't care. For once I want to be sad, depressed and totally miserable. I am not happy and I would not try to sound anything otherwise.

There are those moments that come back to haunt, memories that glide as tears even as you laugh at a joke! I hate it completely...why is it important to get a daughter married? Why do people believe that it is their duty to start looking for a match the moment the girl crosses a certain age? Why the F*&^ can't these people just mind their own f^&$%( business?

Why does the heart yearn for that comfort again? Why do you search for signs desperately when you know they are not coming? Why in this world can't you just run away....forever? Why is it so very difficult to tell your eyes to stop looking for that someone who would make winters warmer? Why do hands still stretch out to be engulfed by those long warm fingers when you know that he is just not ever coming back? Why the f*@# can't I cry for my dad if I want to?

Just why do I have to understand and search for the silver lining in every thing? Why do I have to move on in life? Why do I still ache to see him, hug him ever so tightly? Why did Papa leave me without answering? And why did I make my peace with god? Why can't I hate god for whatever happened? Why I just can't give up! And why the tears just rest on the eyelashes and refuse to fall? Why does the pain feel so amazingly comfortable at times?

Why did I write all this?

Relative Right!

A small conversation between me and my 6 year old nephew on our way to the market to buy candies for him!

“Maki…”
I glanced at him, sitting moodily on the passenger seat, expression of deep thought on his face.
“Yeah?”
“Is it true that God is present everywhere?”
“Yes it is.”
A thoughtful pause and then, “So it means he is in me as well!”
“Yes he is. God lives in everybody. The soul is divided, parted by mystical forces of good and evil. Every human soul has those two parts…The good or GOD and the bad or EVIL. We all have god and evil within us.”
“So good is God and bad is Evil?”
“That’s right!”
“So I have evil in me?” the voice a tad shrill.
“Well evil is not present in kids. Their hearts are pure and only god resides there!”
“So Maki…if God lives in me then he would make me do all the good things. But when I do the things that I think are good then everybody shouts at me. I do well but for all of them it is bad…so how is god for me evil for the rest?”

At that point all I can say is I was thankful we reached the market. For I had no answers. Do you?

Musings of a Lonely Heart

It could have been a perfect day had it not started on the wrong foot! There are days when I sit in front of my system, my fingers patiently waiting for my heart to start narrating, yet nothing flows through them. And then I force my brain to think, think hard and bring out the deepest darkest desires hidden under coils of dreams. Slowly time reels back, brings out memories of promises that are still scrappy, of missed opportunities that still await a smile, of tarnishing dreams and a dozen heart burns. Silence...

The battle begins. My heart sits in patience and listens to my mind shouting at it, telling of the time that is passing it by. Yet the heart stays mum. There is nothing to speak, nothing to say that would change the past. It tenderly holds all the dead roses in its realms, folds the broken shards of glass lovingly in its midst. Slowly the mind gives up, lulls itself back into a peaceful monotony of existence while the heart braves the cold wind pressing against the old wounds of passion, stirring the fire that had started to ebb. Heart does not know what is right or wrong, does not understand good or evil, moral or immoral. All it understands is the fire within that keeps the person alive. It cares for no one…it only understands the darkness that surround that eternal flame. Heart waits patiently for moments of happiness and treasures memories of pain…it is lonely no doubt…but it was meant to be this way!!!

Dark Temptation...

She stared without shame, her heart gently beating in her chest. There was just something about it that provoked pure carnal desire. Her mind screamed as her body melted at the site. Pure ecstasy! Yet it was wrong....a sin yet her body arched and she felt her hand moving as her lips trmbled slightly. She was aware of his eyes looking intently as she fumbled once and twice, shook her head in denial and licked her lips nervously.
"Go on..." he coaxed, mocking her slightly as her cheeks turned red. She looked into his eyes and saw the kindness. There was a soft smile on his lips and though she knew he was enjoying her discomfort, he was also aware of the way her body trembled.
Closing her eyes she reached for it and felt the softness as the teeth dug into the deep dark cores. Her eyes opened then and she shuddered once and mouthed it, feeling it just melt into her mouth and send shocks of pure bliss and pleasure to every inch of her body. She looked at him then and smiled, the sweetest smile, "Forgive me for I have sinned!"
"No sin my child. No sin..."
And they burst out laughing as she steadied her fork and plundged it into the heart of the rich chocolate truffle laced with steaming hot chocolate sauce. As she mouthed another bite she knew...few indulgences were just worth it. She felt him laughing, saw his fork devouring the cream on the side without mercy and pulled the plate closer to herself. He gave up without a fight.
"You look so adorable right now."
"Umm...dont disturb and dont try it...I ain't giving it back to you..."
"Hey...I thought you did not want to eat it!"
"Well...now I do so just buzz off!!!!"
He smiled, picked his coffee cup and sipped on. Some temptations he thought, a naughty sparkle lighting his eyes...were just worth it!
As she sat back, the look of utter contentment in her eyes he raised his cup of coffee in salute.
"Thank you..." she said and she meant it. After a rough patch this was exactly what she wanted.
"Don't worry. It shall all be accounted for!!!"
She chuckled and picked her coffee cup. She knew it all meant nothing. They were good friends and she was glad for it. Sipping on her coffee she felt the bitter liquid simmer down her throat with a fervent desire to preserve the tingling effect. With the sun parked high in sky, all glowing and glistening with happiness she felt wind on her face. Life..she thought as an old song started to fill her veins with pure music...was good!

If Only...

She looked around, feeling desolation take hold of her senses as the cold winter air pressed against her skin, making shivers run down her frizid body. It was just the weather to make every horrible thought surface in the mind and make the eyes go moist. And she did not want to feel anything at the moment. It was just perfect...feeling nothing and savouring the emptiness that seemed to engulf her into its midst. He looked towards her and winked, his smile lighting the features under the lamp. Unwantingly emotions surfaced from deep within and she smiled back. He looked back to the woman standing in front, seeking all his attentions. Her eyes searched the figure for any defect yet her eyes found nothing. There is just so much her heart wished for him to have seen her the way he acknowledged her presence. But wishful thinking was all she could indulge in. Finding her cigarette she lighted it, forcing herself to look anywhere but in his direction.

"Where is your friend tonight?" Sidharth asked and she shrugged in his direction. The two figures were now walking away into the night.
"Ah..." Sidharth said and looked at the woman standing by her side. He felt the emotion erupt in his chest. How he wished she would look at her the way she sought his stare. There was just something about this woman that made him wonder...If only...But it was nothing but wishful thinking, he thought and felt the desolation settle in again.

Strangers in the Night!

She frowned and took the proffered matchbox without a second thought. Lighting her cigarette she passed it back.
“Thanks…”
“Don’t mention.” He paused as she puffed on her cigarette, smiling at the look of utter disappointment spread over the face.
“Let me guess…bad call?” he asked, a smile lighting the face.
“Oh…well the woman was just not ready to give me her social…I mean it’s not as if I would impersonate her or something!!!”
He chuckled and nodded, inhaling on his cigarette.
“But she would have her insecurities you know…not every person would trust a complete stranger like you…I mean would you…trust a complete stranger?”
She looked at his face from behind the smoke. A nice friendly face, a little too long to be totally handsome, deep brown eyes, small cropped hair and a nicely trimmed French beard…
“Well alright I would have my insecurities trusting someone just like that…but…”
“There are no buts. Different people…different insecurities!”
“And what is yours? Would you trust a stranger?”
He looked at the face, trying to decide whether the eyes behind the glasses were brown or black…but what difference would it make! It was a pretty face, etched skin, prominent cheekbone and straight black hair tied in a high ponytail.
“I would love to…”
She raised an eyebrow, shrugged her shoulders and took another drag.
“It is a tough thing you know…” she started and had his attention, “to build trust.”
“I beg to differ!” he said and she stared at him. The sun was rising beyond the horizon and with the first glimmer of morning light she was disposed to think he was rather…attractive. There was certain arrogance in him that made you wonder…
“You think it is easy to build trust?”
“Certainly. It’s very easy…what is difficult is to keep it!”
“Oh….that ways!” she said and he smiled.
“Yes, that ways. Say for instance if I was to make you trust me…it is damn easy for me…but to make sure that I don’t break it…now that is a tough thing to do!”
“Why would it be a tough thing?”
“Because not all men are honest inside out now…are they?”
“Well they should be!!!”
“There are many things that should and shouldn’t be…yet life is not to be lived by a book. What is the fun if you do all the should be’s and never the shouldn’t be’s….think about it…smoking is a shouldn’t be for instance!”
She laughed and licked her lips. Taking the final puff she looked at her watch.
“Well I better push off and find my cab…”
“And I shall go and sign in!” he said and she smiled at him.
“Namrata,” she said offering her hand which was clasped in a firm handshake.
“Abhishek. Nice to meet you…”
“Lovely meeting you. Bye then.” Namrata said and after another polite smile she turned and started walking away towards her cab. The irate customer totally forgotten and forgotten the fatigue that had held her body captive. It was a bright and sunny morning…Abhishek looked at the woman walking away and removed another cigarette from his pack. A smile hovered on his lips…

Call centres at their best. It was so easy to talk to anybody back then. People would just start a conversation...not bothering to know who the person is.....This is to all those wonderful men I had a little chit chat with while I waited for my cabs in the morning or enjoyed a cup of coffee in my breaks. I dont remember their names for it is for those few whom I had the priveledge to talk just once....yet I do know...I was not the only stranger in the night!

The two seconds

It's that time of the year again when for some unknown reason we feel a smile hovering over our lips. The year draws to a close and we get ready, few to party, few to study and so on. Yet everyone can feel a strange happiness seep into your body. Try as hard as you can, you feel this invigorating spasms off and on!

Perhaps I am talking about my personal self! Perhaps few of you relate to this and few dont. Yet I recalled the New Year's Eve in Daksh eServices. The holiday season in America and for call centre employees...the rush time. Especially the process I was working for...phew...the call volume was insane. You would end a call and grasp for a breath and the damn avaya would ring again...And then after extended shift when you stepped out into the dark night you felt fog enveloping you in its midst. With shiver running through your spine you could almost feel....ALIVE.

I remember clearly that new year's eve...i was one of the unlucky one's who was working. Well....My shift started at 11:00 p.m...the constant chatter was on, the moment I logged in...I knew...I would be fighting for a minute's breath. Nonethless the calls started pouring. THe workstation was abuzz, the bays jingling away in a variety of accents. Few were standing, few sitting on the carpeted floor. I could see many jumping up with excitement. As we kept chattering we saw our team leaders busy in their own worry. Then I saw my team leader going from one team member to another...he was there on my workstation. On the notepad he simply scribbled...
Put him on hold for 2 minutes on 11:59
And then it was that time, the workfloor was on hold for 2 minutes....those who had no calls were on AUX, and those who were entertaining a call politely on some pretext put the customers on hold. And there it was...the countdown, the synchronized chant which happens when people just murmur the counting...the excitement was building and then the workfloor was screaming...It was a New Year....We shouted, wished one and all a Happy New Year and it was time to get back to work. Within seconds the chatter was back to that constant glub of nothingness, a bunch of whispers. People who had shouted a minute ago were now lazing back on their chairs while trying to explain a plan to a customer.

I don't know how i felt at that particular moment....I dont remember how I cursed Daksh for making me work on New Year's Eve...all I remember is that one moment when we were all a big family, from various parts of the country...we were not hindu or muslim or christian....we were just one...enjoying the end of an year and beginning of another...I just remember that one moment that brought a wide smile on my face....

the two seconds....

The Night Out

Through this blog, I had endeavoured to bring call centres back to life. Since its inception I had been wanting to write something about them that required a lot of courage. What is amazing about this place is the people who walk there. These people, of various shapes and sizes are just perfectly amiable, well mannered and most importantly, totally independent! And what's best...SEX is not a taboo! People do it and some dont. Yet every one talks about it. With a smile yes but never with a smirk. The darkest and truest side of call centres...

“Have had enough.” She said, her voice slurred as she put the glass back on the table.
“Of what?” He asked and she looked at him. If only she could somehow wipe the silly smile off his face. The whole night he had done nothing but flirt with her friend. Looking at Meenakshi, all huddled on one side of the bed, Megha raised her eyebrows several notches.
“What do you think Sam?”
He shrugged his shoulders and looked at the people who had dozed off at various places. Nikhilesh was snoring blissfully, slumped in an awkward position on the sofa. So were Sumit and Priyank. The worst or perhaps the best off was Meenakshi, sleeping peacefully in the blanket on one corner of the bed.
“I don’t know. Shed some light…Won’t you?”
“All right. Enough of drinks…In case you want to continue then you do that alone!”
He chukled and sipped on his rum. He looked at the girl with admiration. It had been a good night out…and she was one person who had managed to stay sane while everyone else had gotten drunk and dozed off for the rest of the night. She was dressed in a simple track pant and a black spaghetti. A thin shawl acted as the only deterrent. Now that Meenakshi was asleep he looked at Megha with fresh vigor. Meenakshi was without a doubt a pretty female. With long straight hair and a mole on the chin, she was just perfect for flirting. Yet Megha was different. Her hair were straight and tied in a casual bun. A few strands escaped to fall on her face now glowing under the bulb. From behind her glasses, big kohl lined eyes looked at you as if reading whatever was going on in your brain.
“Then what do you wish to do Megha?” he asked and she looked at him. God he was good looking, she thought. She wanted so badly to kiss him, hold his hand and…she checked her thoughts and stood up on the bed.
“I am going to the other room to sleep.”
He merely smiled and gestured for her to leave. That was right, Megha thought. It was the only way it ought to be. Yet she so wanted to do the wrong thing. Not every night is a night like this one. She could feel his eyes on her as she left and was suddenly aware of the tension between them. They were surrounded by acquaintances, colleagues at that! Yet they were the only ones who were awake still. And with every passing moment they had been aware of the imbalance surrounding them. The dark night had acted as a catalyst to her thoughts and she could feel a strange numbing sensation in her finger tips as her hands turned ice cold. His head brushed against her legs as she passed him to leave the room and all warmth seemed to leave her body and converge towards the pit of her stomach. A wild thought kept nagging her to turn around and look at him, just one invitation…yet sanity prevailed, much to her dismay and she walked to the other room in their apartment. Her room which she kept immaculately clean. She liked it like that. After leaving her house and deciding to move to the crazy world of call centers and night outs, she had felt an urge to keep a clean room. How, she remembered, her mother used to fuss about the perpetual state of chaos in her room!
She could have latched her door yet she did not. Getting under her own cosy blanket she felt the warmth spreading like sweet chocolate in her veins. She should have flirted with him, she thought crossly and turned on one side. It was no use, she thought and knew that she as waiting for him to come knocking. When her eyelashes finally draped over her eyes she was still contemplating whether she would let him kiss her or not!
It started like a beautiful dream. She could feel his rough hands caress her bare arms and gently move towards her shoulder. And then she heard him call out her name, in a voice that terrified her out of her reverie. It was no dream, she realized as his mouth came down on hers without a warning. Rude shocks of pleasure coursed through her body as warmth started to converge again. This was an experience she was not new to. Yet in the past it was a different thing. She had known Ravi for four months before he had kissed her. And she had known Sam for two weeks! Yet it was a moment she had been secretly hoping for. His kiss deepened and she heard herself moan. And then the alcohol seemed to loose its hold.
“Oh no!” she gasped for air and shook her head violently!
“No Sam…its not right!”
His handsome features showed confusion as he backed away a bit.
“Megha…”
The voice scared her. Never had Ravi’s voice been so thick with need! And it was a delicious thought.
He seemed to control himself finally. Perhaps it was the fear in her eyes, she thought. Her mind raced to put her heart beat at peace yet she knew that it was a fight she wanted to loose. Mind and heart had lost control. Her body had reacted to a pure carnal desire!
She felt him lie down besides her, her back resting against his chest as hands came to hug her from behind.
“Megha are you sure?” he asked, his voice a mere whisper close to her ear. She wasn’t sure anymore of even her next breath. She felt his fingers on her bare back as his lips gently brushed her ear lobes. He was a colleague! She thought and hastened to remind herself that he was more than a colleague! He was her Team Lead…
All logic and morality bade her to say no. It was the only right thing to do. It was all alcohol; she thought and realized that was not true! She was not drunk and she knew neither was he. All she had to do was form the words. Yet it was not easy. Her body loved it immensely. Her skin was savouring his touch as her mind raced to tell her that it was calling trouble at your door step. He kissed her bare back and she closed her eyes, ready to surrender.
“Megha…if you say once I swear I would leave.” His voice was controlled. Rage seemed to boil within her. What was she supposed to say? How was she supposed to answer this question? Why did men ask??? She thought crossly as she turned to look into his eyes in the darkened room.
“One word Megha…” he said and Megha felt her heart jump to her throat. Say No…her mind raced and her body ached and begged her to say yes. Looking into his eyes she said….

I apologise for not telling you what she said! This is to all the flames that have lighted and would continue to light the nights! And also to those who fizzled away without burning and still come back to haunt ;)

Wind Came Knocking on my door....

The sound woke me up. It was a strange sound…maybe it was the door that rattled a bit…or perhaps a lazy swoosh of the curtains that had disturbed my sleep. I lay awake in my bed, still dazed by the sleep, wanting badly to sleep on. The warm blanket was coaxing my eyelids to drape over my eyes again, cooing a comforting lullaby. Yet the sound was there again, a strange whisper of movement. Sighing I sat up, wasting some time to search for my slippers. The chill in the room forced me to grope for the shawl lying by me bedside. Finally I, frowning and grumpy, left my bed. It was a shame to do so at this early hour. Yet the sound was nagging me. It was not unpleasant…just a constant th th that made you feel like shutting it.

The door grumbled again and I hastened towards it. An instinct made me stop, wait for that noise again, wishing it to be a dream. Yet it was there and I took a deep breath. Exhaling slowly I opened the door.

For a second I could not breathe as cold air enveloped me like a cocoon, making me shudder. Forcing my eyes to open I saw her, suspended in the air. A woman so sublime you would miss if you blinked. Floating in front of me she seemed to giggle, blink her eyelashes and vanish. I wasn’t cold anymore. It was all there…wide expanse of absolutely nothing stretched against the inky sky that seemed to turn gold as sun pierced its midst…

I turned and looked at my room that lay in semi darkness, could make out the outline of the bed I have slept on for years now, the counter was decked with books and I could make out the old withered blanket that had warmed me these many winters. The walls were perhaps not the same, neither was the surrounding familiar to the eyes. Yet the feeling was familiar. The wind swooshed down low to my ears and whispered as temple bells started to chime at a distance…

You are home…it said and glided away. I smiled and closed my eyes. Yes…I was home!!!

I have recently shifted my house and needless to say Iw as very very upset. Yet after a week it seems...ok I guess. Am still getting used to staying on the 8th floor...yet it feel allright!

I also apologise as i am not a photographer and neither do I have a god camera...this is a pic of the sunset clicked from my humble phone!!!...i guess it gives you as idea...

The Trainer...Either...Or

While writing the end i was faced with a dilemma...could not decide on the best end...so I leave it to you...Either...Or...

Shweta looked around the rush and felt the constant chatter fill her mind. There was apparently no place she could simply sit and work. She sipped on her coffee and stared warily at the screen of her laptop. As if her misery was not enough her phone was ringing in all its glory all of a sudden and she frowned. Disconnecting the line she picked her pack and extracted a cigarette only to realize that her matchbox had no matches left. Cursing slightly she started to rummage through her purse, hoping against hope to find a spare match box. But then this was an old old bag she had decided to change into. And within seconds she realized she was lucky. In the last pocket, kept in a thin polybag was a matchbox. Taking it out she wondered why it was kept like that and then she remembered. 5 long years...she mused as her fingers glided over the matchbox, remembering the cold night he had given it to her. There had been nothing yet thinking about the man a smile hovered over her lips. She wondered if she would be able to recognize him if he was to come in front of her all of a sudden.

Either

Fate they say has the weirdest sense of timing. One could probably never understand the cosmic forces that bring two strangers face to face. Just the thought was not enough that the man simply walked up the stairs towards where she was sitting. She could not have mistaken him in a million years. 5 years hadn't touched him at all. Still the same strong cheekbone that spoke volumes about the determination, the light gait and most importantly the eyebrows. Thick dark eyebrows...he had been talking on the phone and seemed oblivious of her presence and then he saw her, sitting on the corner, a cigarette poised in her fingers.
"Is that really you?" he asked and Shweta looked around, unsure he had spoken to her. Yet it was more than evident that she was the one who had been addressed.
"Sanjay...hi."
"Shweta...right?" he smiled and she instinctively clutched the matchbox tighter in her palm as she hastily forwarded her other hand for a hand shake.
"What are you doing here?" she asked and he shrugged.
"Just had a couple of hours to myself so decided to grab coffee. And what are you doing here?"
"Oh...just finishing some work...join me?" she asked and he smiled the same wide smile that seemed to reach his dark eyes.
"Sure."
Shweta looked at him from the corner of her eye. He had not changed much. Casually dressed in faded denims and a dark grey t-shirt he could still make her heart flip over to her throat. He seemed completely excited to meet her and she could not imagine the reason. Back then he had shown no emotion. She still remembered how once she had chanced to meet him on the door six months later. He had smiled, inquired after the job, nodded and left. How she had hoped to confess how she felt for him just once before she left yet she had never gotten a chance again. And now after 5 years they were sitting in front of each other outside a coffee shop, he completely at ease with her.
"So...what have you been up to?" he asked and Shweta licked her lips that had dried like her mouth.
"Nothing much. Just working...moved out of call centers long time ago..."
"I know. It has been so long now...I just can't tell you what a pleasant surprise it is."
Shweta could not believe how strongly she had felt for this guy.
"Why are u not lighting it...let me guess...out of lights again?" he asked and with a flourish his lighter was out. Shweta bent forward to light her cigarette choking on the smoke as he continued..."Remember the first time we met...you were out of lights even back then."
Shweta was completely wary by now. He remembered not only her name but their first meeting. Inhaling on the comforting smoke she looked at him. He was ordering for coffee and inquired if she would like another cup. Her coffee had long been cold now. Nodding she looked away.
Presently the cups were placed in front of them and Shweta stared at him, easily stirring the coffee.
“You seem a bit lost,” he asked and she caught herself looking at the cup.
“I don’t know. I mean…you seem so…”
He smiled, his eyes lighting with the gleam she had often seen.
“Different?”
“Well…yes. I mean…I always thought you never even noticed anyone.”
He was smiling like he had never done before, an easy friendly smile.
“Well…I did notice everything. And besides you are a kind of person one can’t help but notice.”
“Whoa…that’s some statement!” Shweta said, relaxing in his company for the first time. This was perhaps the side she had never seen. And she liked it by the minute.
“Well…I have to say…you were definitely loud back then…” his hands moved up in complete surrender as face lighted with a mischievous smile.
“I meant that in a good way,” he added as she gaped.
“Really?”
“Yes…you were easily one of the best trainees I have ever trained. It was fun training you…” the mischief had long been replaced by a sweet smile that was discomforting her.
That was a long time ago; she told herself and sipped on her coffee.
Sanjay stared at her and recalled the vulnerability. A young girl had now been replaced by a woman and some woman she was. How he had often looked at her while she fought with a certain complexity, how she would never give up on anything. Now she was not a colleague, the voice was distinctly his own and he looked at her, sipping peacefully at her coffee. Shaking his head he knew it was too late. Extracting a cigarette he placed it thoughtfully between his lips, his hands searching for the lighter. And luck failed him. The lighter would not work. Sighing he looked around, hoping to find someone who would have a light on him.
“Here…” the matchstick was cupped firmly by beautiful long fingers.
“You had a light?” he asked…taking his first drag and looking at the smile that lighted her features.
“Well…yes. Infact it is yours…”
“Mine?” he asked and she nodded.
“Yup…on the graduation day…remember?’
He remembered clearly. That night he had had a hard time forgetting, for no obvious reasons.
“Here…have a look,” she said and passed on the matchbox.
Sanjay twisted the box and the quote made him smile…
Printed in small red italics were the words…
‘Whatever goes around comes around’
“You know...back in those days I had this huge crush on you…” she was speaking and Sanjay stared on. That was so signature Shweta…right on your face!
Shweta looked at his smile and wondered how strange this meeting was. A certain part of her heart was really happy to meet him yet there was a strange sadness. She did not have any feelings for him now…yet it had been a crush for too long and that was perhaps the cause of the slight uneasiness that had settled in the pit of her stomach.
Sanjay stared hard, trying to understand the thoughts that were playing hide and seek in her eyes. Yet he had no luck. He had always known she had a thing for him…yet to hear the words was a completely different experience. But back then it was not right…and now…
“There you are!” the voice came from behind and Shweta looked at the woman carrying at least five bags in her hands. She was dressed casually in a black long skirt and a peach top that hid nothing of her fine figure. Her hair were neatly tied in a high pony tail and she was certainly addressing Sanjay.
“Hi honey. Guess who I met…” Sanjay was hugging her now and pulling her a chair. She smiled at Shweta.
“Shweta…she was my best trainee in ***. And Shweta meet Nimisha…my fiancée.”
Shweta felt her cheeks burn with embarrassment. Why had she told him about her crush? Why now?
“Glad to meet you…” Shweta smiled and kept her coffee aside.
“Well…I better make a move. It was lovely meeting you after such a long time.” Shweta said and stood up.
“Ugh…yeah sure. Do keep in touch…” he said and Shweta smiled.
“Sure…anyhow…congrats to both of you…I am really late.”
Her fingers shook as she picked up her bag and started to move. She felt nothing for him yet it had hurt her…
“Shweta…” he called her name and she turned.
“You forgot this…”
Sanjay was holding the matchbox in his hand and Shweta smiled…”Not again Sanjay.” She said and hastily turned to walk away from him, conscious of the tears that had started to glide down her face now.

Sanjay looked at Nimisha; her eyes alight with the knowledge of what had just happened.
“Shweta…the woman you had a crush on once…right?” she asked and Sanjay looked at the woman in front.
“History Nimisha…Coffee?”
His hands closed around the matchbox. He won’t let go of it…never!


Or

Shweta lighted her cigarette, remembering those cold nights she had stood outside her office, wishing with all her heart to have just enough courage to go and speak with him. Yet at that time he had been so aloof…there was just not enough reason to do that. And besides she had been barely twenty at that time. Now she was wiser and smarter, had a wonderful career stretched out in front of her? Yet…for some reason whenever she went to train a new batch she thought about him…her reason that had motivated her to be a trainer. Sighing she locked on to the internet and searched again…wishing to find some link…some news about that elusive gentleman. Yet they were lost forever now. She had changed her job and finally gotten the opportunity to become a trainer yet it had taken her away from the city for a complete three years. When she did come back…she had no hope of finding him. She still remembered distinctly the way he smiled. Smiling at herself she wrapped her work. She was getting late for a meeting. Her new boss was joining the office today and she was looking forward to meet him. Had not managed to hear much about him except for the fact that he had been in the industry for quite some time now and was an excellent person. She stood up and looked at the matchbox lying on the table top, a contrasting yellow against the dark brown. The red fonts were still visible…reading them again she shook her head and walked away leaving the matchbox. It was time for her to move on…

The man removed his sunglasses and walked towards the empty table. Settling in the chair he extracted a cigarette from his pack and his eyes found the matchbox. It was a box he had not seen for a long time now. An old packing of a famous brand…his long fingers reached out and picked it up, staring at the red fonts gleaming against the yellow backdrop. He remembered keeping a similar matchbox on him most of the times, especially for the quote printed on its back. And one fine night he had passed it over to a very special person. A general gleam lighted the dark eyes as his mind raced back to the girl he had had a hard time forgetting. He still remembered the way she simply understood everything, her mannerisms, the sweet smile and most importantly the complete rebellious attitude when she lighted her cigarette. For some reason he always felt that she had feelings. And there were nights when he had looked at her and wondered he would not have minded reciprocating them. Yet it was not the right thing to do. She was a trainee…a colleague and it was just not right. Besides office relationships were often disastrous. Looking at his watch he decided he should make a move…It did not set a right example if you reach late on your first day of a new job. He looked at the matchbox and without knowing exactly why he grabbed it. For old times sake he thought and moved on holding the matchbox in his hand.
They stared at each other, both lost in a strange battle. How were they supposed to meet each other? They were working again in the same organization…he was her senior she was a colleague.
He hasn’t changed a bit…
God she is still as pretty as ever…
“You still smoke?” he asked and she smiled as they walked up to the roof. The weather was pleasant for this time of the year.
“I can’t tell you what a pleasant surprise it is to see you as a trainer!” he started as he offered a cigarette to her. Accepting she smiled…
“I had very strong motivations!”
She stared as he extracted a yellow matchbox from his pocket and lighted a match, holding it cupped in his hands. Without knowing why her eyes searched and found the red letters printed on the back. As her eyes scanned them again, a smile lighted her face and she lit the cigarette.
It was getting easier and easier to talk with him. The sun was setting beyond the horizon now and it was a signal that their work was about to begin.
“Shall we make a move?” she asked and he nodded. Smiling she walked towards the door. He stood there, musing over his luck. He knew not why he felt so happy at seeing her again…his eyes read the quote again and he smiled…
What goes around comes around
“Sanjay…you coming?” she asked and he looked at her, standing by the door. Damn he thought…she was a colleague.

THE END...........

The Trainer...contd.

There are a few days in every woman's life when she feels perpetual happiness. The days when she believes herself to be in love! Shweta, was certain she could never think of any other man. And there was just something about this man that kept her wondering. Quickly her life had fallen into the routine. Her cab reached a good ten mintes before his' arrived. She would rush to the coffee vending machine, grab her cup and rush out again just to catch a glimpse of him as he descended from his cab. He always smiled but never really stayed on to chat. The customary smile, the informal nod and the small talk before he moved away. Shweta could not find any fault in him. As a trainer he was just perfect. She heard with complete attention as he explained the technicalities. She always believed herself to be bad with computers yet with him around she was learning quickly. There were those days however when he was a bit too near for comfort, explaining the step ahead on her workstation. She had noticed everything about him. The way he seldom smiled during class, the uncanny sparkle in his eyes whenever he laughed. The way he stood, completely at ease with himself, his steady walk, the thick baritone voice cultured to perfection and not to mention heady whiff of soap.
Soon Shweta felt the uneasiness settle in the pit of her stomach. She had never realized when the thirty day training period had dwindled away and she was all set to hit the floor as they called it. She knew she had done well...there was not one person who had matched up to her knowledge of the process yet she was unsure of the next day. The party had been everything she had not expected...a whole lot of fun. They had danced till their heels hurt, had toasted to every single state in US of A...yet somehow as she moved out into the still cold night she felt completely drained. She felt anger surge through her as she realized she was out of matches.
"Here...let me help you," the voice was close by and Shweta had no need to look. She bent and felt his thumb gently brush against her cheeks, took a long puff and moved away, looking towards him light his own cigarette.
"Congrats..." he said and she smiled.
"Well. Thanks...I just doubt whether i really deserve it!"
"Of course you do. You were the best." he said and Shweta dared to look into his eyes, the frankness too palpable.
"Uh...I just..."
"Don't worry Shweta...you would do just fine...I know it." he said and Shweta knew he was about to leave again. There was no one outside smoking so she did have the opportunity of standing close to him. She would not be able to meet him now, maybe not even see him. At that moment perhaps Shweta should have told him yet courage seemed to fail her. She puffed away silently, feeling sadness engulf her.
"That's my cab." he said and Shweta looked around.
"You are not staying longer?"
He hesitated for just a second and Shweta felt he knew but then he smiled and she was unsure again.
"I am not getting the weekend off...you enjoy the party and all the best. I know you would do well."
Her smile died as he turned away and started walking out of the premises. That was it...Shweta thought silently and wondered...
"Hey Sanjay," she called and he turned.
She wanted to tell him she completely adored him, wondered if they could have something more than just a polite hi and bye? Yet somehow courage left her door that instant and she smiled...
"Could you lend me the matchbox?" she asked and Sanjay smiled, took it out casually and flipped it towards her and was gone. Shweta stared at the small box. It was an AIM box and nimbly she flipped it around to read the small quotes it was famous for. A tear trickled down her face as she wrapped her fingers around it. She instantly knew that she would never let go of this matchbox...

concluding part on Wed 6th dec 06