Life...

She sighed and groped for the glass of water, wondering why the screen was blurring so much. And then the tear trickled down her cheek...they had come knocking again. Yet she did not hate them. Like many people though she hoped that no one would see them. Glad that no one had noticed, she silently logged out and made her way to the roof.
Crossing the cafeteria she saw few colleagues sipping leisurely on their coffee at the Barista counter, few were otherwise busy eating and few more were talking on the phone. She felt a smile light her face. Some people could talk for endless hours...and it was 4 in the morning.

Warm breeze greeted her as she stepped out. Thankfully it was empty bar a man busy on his mobile and puffing away his cigarette. He wouldn't notice her, she thought and went towards the other side, putting the blanket of darkness between them to ensure nothing was visible. There, all alone she would be able to smoke in peace and cry. She had been trying hard to keep her cool but it was becoming all too difficult. He wasn't coming back, she thought and closed her eyes.
The cigarette was quick. Within seconds she felt the tears subsiding and her heart coming back to terms with the present.
"It is not going to help for long...you do know that...don't you?" the voice had no source. It was just there, the same husky baritone she had grown up loving. He was there, a cigarette in his hand, face lighted by his kind smile.
"My secret," he said and she smiled.
"I know. Ma told me."
He nodded and sat on the stair.
"Life goes on..."
"What if you don't want it to?" she asked bitterly and he smiled.
"You can't help it."
"I don't want to live. you know i don't. I just want to run away...from all of this..."
"Where would you run?" he asked patiently and she sighed.
"To a place where nothing would hurt anymore. Where I can live in ignorance of the pain of loving and loosing someone."
"Have you lost me?" he asked, his face blurring as tears filled her eyes.

The voice died away into the silence of her steady heartbeat. The tears were not there anymore. Yes she would never be able to hug him again, never feel his arms go around her in that comforting manner, would never feel his kiss on her forehead, would never have him reprimand her on being late or being stubborn. But she still had him...

She looked at the fading sky and found the star, shimmering in the dying night.
Barely two months ago her life had taken such a turn. She smiled from amidst her watery eyes as her lips moved in a whisper, "Happy Birthday Papa..."

Is raat ki subah nahin...

She felt the cold shiver run through her...there was nothing she could do. The white fog had hidden everything from her sight. All she could see clearly was his grim face as he spoke in his mobile phone. Another half hour to kill, she reminded herself. The cabs were late because of the fog. And her shift was long over. Sighing she tried to force the cold coffee down her throat and then decided against it. He finally turned and looked at her. Her cab mate for the past 5 months now. He had never said anything other than the customary hi.
"You want to go inside and wait?" he asked.
"Not at all. I am liking it here."
He smiled and sat on the stairs so that she could see his dark hair. Many a times in the car she had wished to move her fingers through them. But that was something she did not have the guts for.

"So...talking to girlfriend?" she asked and he turned to look at her. The frown was replaced by a smile. He looked so innocent when he did that...she thought.
"Oh no. Was talking to a friend. He is leaving for Australia...so just..."
"Nice."
She smiled and looked away. It was so hard to talk to him. There was nothing she could do. It was perhaps because he never said anything. How hard it was to talk...and to think they talked for 8 straight hours in the job!!! He rubbed his hands and she stared.
"You are cold?"
"Aren't you?" he asked from chattering teeth and she shook her head.
"Not at all. Here...let me..." she said and took his hands into her warm ones. INstantly his face transformed.
"Better?" she asked, her eyes bright with a warmth she felt for him.
"Yes."

She withdrew her hands and looked at her watch. Sighing she stood up and walked to the door. He saw her from where he sat and took out a cigerette. His hands still felt the touch of hers...he still remembered the fire in her eyes. How he remembered the first day he had seen her, sitting in her cab patiently, waiting for him. The soft childish face bestowed with such warm eyes. Everything about this girl fascinated him. Her voice was sweet and clear, her manners left you in no doubt of her reserve. And her laughter while she took the calls could light up his face in seconds. How he wished he could talk to her...

He saw her through the curling smoke slowly making her way to the door. He so felt like rushing and opening the door for her. But he couldn't. And then she turned, bent ever so slightly on her stick.
"Coffee?" she asked him and he nodded.
"Uh...but how would you carry both the cups?" he asked and she laughed.
"Oh...I forgot."
And as she limped inside she knew he would never see her as anything more than a handicap and warm tears flooded her eyes.

A lesson not learnt!

Call centres prepared me for a load many things. Yet it never taught me the realities of life or to be put honestly, the facts about Corporates. At this moment all I can say is that either I am caught up in a wrong place or perhaps there is something completely wrong with me. A senior recently said, "Kanika apparently call centres treated you rather well...for what you are going through is very common in corporates. That is how they work..."

What to say?

The things about the place they call call centres was that there was always loads of work there. You hardly got anytime to sit idle. Thought your job was miniscule yet its importance was openly acknowledged and everybody was ready with a smile. They would never stare arrogantly at you, never did anyone ignore a greeting and people in general though mostly sleepy, were full of life and dreams. Corporates, apparently lack all of it. They work in a 9 to 5 environment, always waste more time then do anything productive, a complete lack of training and total politics.

I am wrong. I let my first job teach me that everyone is equal, it taught me the importance of time and getting the work done, it taught me the importance of sticking to your commitment, healthy working environment and happiness as the essence. It taught me that every penny is worth it only when at the end of the day when you sit on your bed your work has exhausted you such that you can sleep peacefully.

It never taught me that discriminations happen, that incompetence is always tolerated and that punctuality is a myth.

Maybe it made me too idealistic...or maybe i never learnt that all crucial lesson of Perceptions can be deceptive...