How many times have I wondered what love is! How many times have I found out! And how many times have I proven myself wrong?

A couple of days ago a friend of mine decided to enlighten me about the small facts of love! A whole lot of giving and caring and sharing! To be honest I was...well bored! And yes a bit angered by the usage of words trying to define a sublime feeling! And when I went on to say that love I have known...love I feel and that purest form of love is what I feel for my nephew she went on to correct me that it will not stand the test of time! That as and when I have "the" man in my life I shall change. I would want to do things for him! That I would forget about my nephew and though I would not love him any less my priorities would change!

I don't blame her and am not angry from her! She hardly knows me! An aquaintance of a month is no master of my feelings! And apparently with time I would change! When that man finally drops from the heavens I would know...I apologise...Sarcasm does not help here! It is a delicate matter and requires some serious thinking and milder tone!

To all the people who are reading this post I wish to ask, Can you define one moment when death stared you in the eye and you smiled and laughed? I can! Though it is a very personal moment I wish to share it with people today.

2nd September 2002, 6:30 am, on my way to the hospital where my dad was admitted.

A cloudy morning, just pale glimmer of sunlight over the horizon and a thought flashed across my mind. A thought I was scared the instant it happened. Looking at the purple sky I had whispered..."Today We shall take you home Papa!" and that instant I knew. I tried to disregard the thought and when we reached the hospital the worst was waiting for us! I don't have the courage to relive the moment again. And I don't wish to do that. But I wish to share what I did that day! I lost my father. The man who was more to me than any other man had ever been! The man who had woken me up every morning, who had taught me how to walk, how to behave, how to pray! The man who had waited in front of the examination halls to greet me with a smile, the man who rang the doorbell every evening at 6 and the man who would go to the hell to get a smile on my face! I lost him...forever! We took him back that day...gagged and bound in bandages! Even his face was covered in white muslin! And his lifeless body was placed on the floor as people gathered around him. My nephew was barely 2 years old and he doted on my dad. Sleeping peacefully in his room he was not aware of the tragedy. And he was not to know!

How could you make a two year old go through that! I went to his room then. I had to make sure he never left the room! And I laughed with him, smiled at his jokes. All the while when my dad stayed in his house, while his body still rested on the ground awaiting the last journey I stayed locked in that room making sure not a single tear escaped the eyes! I did it because I loved him...I love him!

My father left us never to come back! I realized how life was the biggest irony of death! And I realized love can not be defined! I love my father. I hate it when people sometimes correct me and say loved your father! I still love him. Then why did I not sit by his body for as long as I could? Did I love my nephew more? How could anybody who had been in your life for 2 years replace someone who had been for 20?
I did it because I knew I could not bring my father back! I knew I had responsibilities now! I knew I had to save the innocence from getting lost in tears!

The point of this tale. Love is not a limited quantity! We can love so many people! I love so many of them! But for me my neohew is not only my love...he is that love that showed me what life is all about! Just a hug from him can light up the darkest days! His smile can make me forget any pain or misery! He is that part of my soul who made me smile even when I was shattered!

In time things might change. I might become selfish! (More than I am right now!). But I would always remember...For Kishu I would laugh even if death was here to take me...just so that tears never touch his eyes! That is love to me...I only wish to say that those who know love please don't try to dictate that on others and presume that it is the only sort of love! Life is too precious to be limited by one sort of Love. And Love is too precious for only one Life!

Why Not!

Different phases and different moods. Same question...(Why?) and same answer...(Why not!)

Yesterday, its anybody's guess, I was particularly blue. I was depressed, lonely and utterly confused. Well, the heart is still amiss, eyes are particularly wet yet the cold wind is softer, milder and definitely heart warming! I am still lonely, I still have the same nostalgia, the grief and the pain...yet I also have the faith...that all shall be fine...hope of a beautiful tomorrow and love of my family. As of now...I want nothing more!

I am strangely content with my situation in life...am at peace with myself and in complete harmony with mother nature. When I hugged ma today, everything was just perfect. Her hand on my head, the dreams in her eyes and the tender kiss on the forehead!

I am not asking god why he did what he did for its not for me to ask...Its for me to simply smile and look at the heavens...feel his warmth as he gently wraps his arm around me and holds me together, feel his laughter as I sulk and complain. Its for me to simply say...I love you God. And then...Why not??? Why not scream! cry! rant! laugh!

Why not indeed!

To all who read the previous post, thanks for listening!
And to all who read this post (without reading the previous one!), I am sure you would now be getting ready to read the previous post...I shall only say...thanks!

Why?

Okay. I have tried in vain! It won't do! Please allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you!!! No erase that last sentence. There is no one I would say these three words and mean them. I remember when I came back to blogger I told myself I would not talk about how I really feel, would not mention anything that is personal for I was scared...Scared perhaps of attracting bad luck! But then what the hell!!! It is my space and I would scream if I want to, curse if my heart aches to do that and rant about the injustices that I sometimes believe have been meted out to me. If I wish to talk about my pa I would do that, even if it makes me weak and vulnerable I don't care. For once I want to be sad, depressed and totally miserable. I am not happy and I would not try to sound anything otherwise.

There are those moments that come back to haunt, memories that glide as tears even as you laugh at a joke! I hate it completely...why is it important to get a daughter married? Why do people believe that it is their duty to start looking for a match the moment the girl crosses a certain age? Why the F*&^ can't these people just mind their own f^&$%( business?

Why does the heart yearn for that comfort again? Why do you search for signs desperately when you know they are not coming? Why in this world can't you just run away....forever? Why is it so very difficult to tell your eyes to stop looking for that someone who would make winters warmer? Why do hands still stretch out to be engulfed by those long warm fingers when you know that he is just not ever coming back? Why the f*@# can't I cry for my dad if I want to?

Just why do I have to understand and search for the silver lining in every thing? Why do I have to move on in life? Why do I still ache to see him, hug him ever so tightly? Why did Papa leave me without answering? And why did I make my peace with god? Why can't I hate god for whatever happened? Why I just can't give up! And why the tears just rest on the eyelashes and refuse to fall? Why does the pain feel so amazingly comfortable at times?

Why did I write all this?

Relative Right!

A small conversation between me and my 6 year old nephew on our way to the market to buy candies for him!

“Maki…”
I glanced at him, sitting moodily on the passenger seat, expression of deep thought on his face.
“Yeah?”
“Is it true that God is present everywhere?”
“Yes it is.”
A thoughtful pause and then, “So it means he is in me as well!”
“Yes he is. God lives in everybody. The soul is divided, parted by mystical forces of good and evil. Every human soul has those two parts…The good or GOD and the bad or EVIL. We all have god and evil within us.”
“So good is God and bad is Evil?”
“That’s right!”
“So I have evil in me?” the voice a tad shrill.
“Well evil is not present in kids. Their hearts are pure and only god resides there!”
“So Maki…if God lives in me then he would make me do all the good things. But when I do the things that I think are good then everybody shouts at me. I do well but for all of them it is bad…so how is god for me evil for the rest?”

At that point all I can say is I was thankful we reached the market. For I had no answers. Do you?

Musings of a Lonely Heart

It could have been a perfect day had it not started on the wrong foot! There are days when I sit in front of my system, my fingers patiently waiting for my heart to start narrating, yet nothing flows through them. And then I force my brain to think, think hard and bring out the deepest darkest desires hidden under coils of dreams. Slowly time reels back, brings out memories of promises that are still scrappy, of missed opportunities that still await a smile, of tarnishing dreams and a dozen heart burns. Silence...

The battle begins. My heart sits in patience and listens to my mind shouting at it, telling of the time that is passing it by. Yet the heart stays mum. There is nothing to speak, nothing to say that would change the past. It tenderly holds all the dead roses in its realms, folds the broken shards of glass lovingly in its midst. Slowly the mind gives up, lulls itself back into a peaceful monotony of existence while the heart braves the cold wind pressing against the old wounds of passion, stirring the fire that had started to ebb. Heart does not know what is right or wrong, does not understand good or evil, moral or immoral. All it understands is the fire within that keeps the person alive. It cares for no one…it only understands the darkness that surround that eternal flame. Heart waits patiently for moments of happiness and treasures memories of pain…it is lonely no doubt…but it was meant to be this way!!!

Dark Temptation...

She stared without shame, her heart gently beating in her chest. There was just something about it that provoked pure carnal desire. Her mind screamed as her body melted at the site. Pure ecstasy! Yet it was wrong....a sin yet her body arched and she felt her hand moving as her lips trmbled slightly. She was aware of his eyes looking intently as she fumbled once and twice, shook her head in denial and licked her lips nervously.
"Go on..." he coaxed, mocking her slightly as her cheeks turned red. She looked into his eyes and saw the kindness. There was a soft smile on his lips and though she knew he was enjoying her discomfort, he was also aware of the way her body trembled.
Closing her eyes she reached for it and felt the softness as the teeth dug into the deep dark cores. Her eyes opened then and she shuddered once and mouthed it, feeling it just melt into her mouth and send shocks of pure bliss and pleasure to every inch of her body. She looked at him then and smiled, the sweetest smile, "Forgive me for I have sinned!"
"No sin my child. No sin..."
And they burst out laughing as she steadied her fork and plundged it into the heart of the rich chocolate truffle laced with steaming hot chocolate sauce. As she mouthed another bite she knew...few indulgences were just worth it. She felt him laughing, saw his fork devouring the cream on the side without mercy and pulled the plate closer to herself. He gave up without a fight.
"You look so adorable right now."
"Umm...dont disturb and dont try it...I ain't giving it back to you..."
"Hey...I thought you did not want to eat it!"
"Well...now I do so just buzz off!!!!"
He smiled, picked his coffee cup and sipped on. Some temptations he thought, a naughty sparkle lighting his eyes...were just worth it!
As she sat back, the look of utter contentment in her eyes he raised his cup of coffee in salute.
"Thank you..." she said and she meant it. After a rough patch this was exactly what she wanted.
"Don't worry. It shall all be accounted for!!!"
She chuckled and picked her coffee cup. She knew it all meant nothing. They were good friends and she was glad for it. Sipping on her coffee she felt the bitter liquid simmer down her throat with a fervent desire to preserve the tingling effect. With the sun parked high in sky, all glowing and glistening with happiness she felt wind on her face. Life..she thought as an old song started to fill her veins with pure music...was good!

If Only...

She looked around, feeling desolation take hold of her senses as the cold winter air pressed against her skin, making shivers run down her frizid body. It was just the weather to make every horrible thought surface in the mind and make the eyes go moist. And she did not want to feel anything at the moment. It was just perfect...feeling nothing and savouring the emptiness that seemed to engulf her into its midst. He looked towards her and winked, his smile lighting the features under the lamp. Unwantingly emotions surfaced from deep within and she smiled back. He looked back to the woman standing in front, seeking all his attentions. Her eyes searched the figure for any defect yet her eyes found nothing. There is just so much her heart wished for him to have seen her the way he acknowledged her presence. But wishful thinking was all she could indulge in. Finding her cigarette she lighted it, forcing herself to look anywhere but in his direction.

"Where is your friend tonight?" Sidharth asked and she shrugged in his direction. The two figures were now walking away into the night.
"Ah..." Sidharth said and looked at the woman standing by her side. He felt the emotion erupt in his chest. How he wished she would look at her the way she sought his stare. There was just something about this woman that made him wonder...If only...But it was nothing but wishful thinking, he thought and felt the desolation settle in again.

Strangers in the Night!

She frowned and took the proffered matchbox without a second thought. Lighting her cigarette she passed it back.
“Thanks…”
“Don’t mention.” He paused as she puffed on her cigarette, smiling at the look of utter disappointment spread over the face.
“Let me guess…bad call?” he asked, a smile lighting the face.
“Oh…well the woman was just not ready to give me her social…I mean it’s not as if I would impersonate her or something!!!”
He chuckled and nodded, inhaling on his cigarette.
“But she would have her insecurities you know…not every person would trust a complete stranger like you…I mean would you…trust a complete stranger?”
She looked at his face from behind the smoke. A nice friendly face, a little too long to be totally handsome, deep brown eyes, small cropped hair and a nicely trimmed French beard…
“Well alright I would have my insecurities trusting someone just like that…but…”
“There are no buts. Different people…different insecurities!”
“And what is yours? Would you trust a stranger?”
He looked at the face, trying to decide whether the eyes behind the glasses were brown or black…but what difference would it make! It was a pretty face, etched skin, prominent cheekbone and straight black hair tied in a high ponytail.
“I would love to…”
She raised an eyebrow, shrugged her shoulders and took another drag.
“It is a tough thing you know…” she started and had his attention, “to build trust.”
“I beg to differ!” he said and she stared at him. The sun was rising beyond the horizon and with the first glimmer of morning light she was disposed to think he was rather…attractive. There was certain arrogance in him that made you wonder…
“You think it is easy to build trust?”
“Certainly. It’s very easy…what is difficult is to keep it!”
“Oh….that ways!” she said and he smiled.
“Yes, that ways. Say for instance if I was to make you trust me…it is damn easy for me…but to make sure that I don’t break it…now that is a tough thing to do!”
“Why would it be a tough thing?”
“Because not all men are honest inside out now…are they?”
“Well they should be!!!”
“There are many things that should and shouldn’t be…yet life is not to be lived by a book. What is the fun if you do all the should be’s and never the shouldn’t be’s….think about it…smoking is a shouldn’t be for instance!”
She laughed and licked her lips. Taking the final puff she looked at her watch.
“Well I better push off and find my cab…”
“And I shall go and sign in!” he said and she smiled at him.
“Namrata,” she said offering her hand which was clasped in a firm handshake.
“Abhishek. Nice to meet you…”
“Lovely meeting you. Bye then.” Namrata said and after another polite smile she turned and started walking away towards her cab. The irate customer totally forgotten and forgotten the fatigue that had held her body captive. It was a bright and sunny morning…Abhishek looked at the woman walking away and removed another cigarette from his pack. A smile hovered on his lips…

Call centres at their best. It was so easy to talk to anybody back then. People would just start a conversation...not bothering to know who the person is.....This is to all those wonderful men I had a little chit chat with while I waited for my cabs in the morning or enjoyed a cup of coffee in my breaks. I dont remember their names for it is for those few whom I had the priveledge to talk just once....yet I do know...I was not the only stranger in the night!