I so wish I had stuff to write about, things to talk about or perhaps a new story to share. I have nothing right now. For reasons unknown to me yet. My words have deserted me again and though the heart feels the loss, it knows that it is momentary. The times are changing and you can feel a certain sprig of hope in the cold air that presses against you...there is a certain new sun all ready to bounce up from the horizon and shine. But it would take a while. This post is primarily for Sinjini...I would take a while dear...there are things I need to take care of...

I can't put a time frame to it...it could be a day or another month or two for when the words come knocking back I know not. Till then You keep writing.

Here's wishing everyone a VERY HAPPY NEW YEAR 2008. Hope your words, (or colors) never leave you. And If they do be patient...They will find you back!

Life in a Metro

Deepali looked around and felt the silence getting louder by the second. People just sat there, lost in their own worlds. The boy on the far corner was swaying slightly to his own music, the woman sitting not that far away from him seemed to be checking and rechecking her bags, the man who preferred to stand in spite of the fact that there were enough seats to sit on, perhaps enjoying the steady rhythm of life as the metro raced on the tracks, the city blurring as it went. An year ago she would have probably enjoyed looking at all these facets of life as people hurried in and out of the car, trying to reach someplace and more importantly trying to run away from somewhere. She knew it to be true…knew why people seemed always in a hurry…Prateek had once mentioned it to her.

“They are not running to…they are running from…”

And he had been right. The man who preferred to stand was running away from the stillness in his life, the woman from thinking about more pressing issues, the boy from the very presence of people around him. And she…today she wondered what she was running from. And she knew…after a long time she was not running from…she was running to. Shards of voices kept intruding her thoughts.

“What is wrong with you?” the voice of a concerned friend or a man who loved her beyond measure?

“I wish I knew…but…” her own feeble voice as she tried to steady herself, but the nausea was ever increasing.

“Visit a doctor Deepali…you don’t look that great!”

Metro seemed to be slowing down with the rally of her thoughts now. A kind soft voice floated in…a voice that had somehow sounded rude at that instance. Rude…yes…how easy it had been for her…

“Deepali…you’ve got a tumor…a growth of sorts…”

“Excuse me?”

The woman had sighed and forwarded a series of reports towards her.

“It’s not growing…but the increasing amount of nausea suggests that it is unstable and could burst open or perhaps press against an all important nerve and cripple you for life…”

The metro jerked to a halt as people poured out. The voice vanished and she stared at the door that closed against the world again, imprisoning her to those thoughts that somehow seemed to mock her, shake the threads of her very soul.

“We can’t operate on it…”

“There are no guarantees Deepali…I can’t promise the chemo would help…the headaches are increasing?”

“How long before?” her voice shook and heart thudded wildly in her chest.

“Maybe 2 months…6…an year, 2 years. We can’t truly pinpoint…”

The metro raced through the city and her eyes could see the drifting roads as they crossed beneath. Lines of cars stood waiting patiently or perhaps not so patiently.

The man’s face loomed in her past; the lines of evident misery creased the forehead.

“Surely…something can be done…you can’t just…its…”

“Yes Prateek something can be done…something I wish to do before I…” her voice seemed to thicken in her throat and the man looked at her, his eyes dark pools of misery.

“You are not…”

“Before I die. I wish to be your wife…”

Prateek looked at her with anguish written all over his face.

“You love me so much?”

She laughed a hollow sound that echoed in her brain.

“No you dimwit. I hate you and wish to see you all miserable…”

Tears flowed then and she felt him walk up to her and press her face against his heart. It was after a while she realized he was crying too…

“I won’t let you die…I can’t.” Empty promises, her heart whispered and whimpered in fresh agony as a new wave of nausea hit her insides, sending shudders down her spine.

Deepali stood up, her feet light as she exited the compartment. It was not her destination still and she walked away to the platform, and waited. The car moved and she stared and heard the slow rumble as it drifted away from her. Life was all about moving from one to another, shifting tracks.

“What is it Deepali?” Prateek’s voice held the irritation and despair of a man who was fighting…against time and will.

“I am pregnant.” She sighed and a smile lighted his face.

“That’s great…”

His eyes seemed to register the tears that had welled up in hers.

“Would I be able to live long enough to…”

Her eyes focused back to the car that moved on to the platform now and she followed the small group of people inside, felt the door slide shut behind her. She was on her way back home…

“Deepali…I can’t explain. This is perhaps why we still believe in miracles.” The rude voice had transformed…the car was alive again; voices from corners seemed to invade her privacy as her heart felt the jolt. She could still feel the way Prateek’s hand had tightened over her arm.

She smiled a benign smile.

“Your child seems to be doing what we were not able to do. Your tumor is receding. We can’t explain why. The miracle of child birth is still a miracle…We know that child birth prevents a woman’s body from various forms of cancers…as to how precisely we know not.”

“What are you trying to say doctor?” she had cut her short, too scared to hope.

“I am saying that you have all the reasons to smile Deepali. The last five months have sent the oncologists on a spree…I have never felt this excited in my entire career…Your tumor is as good as gone…it seemed to have shrunk as your baby grew in your womb…First time a child practically gave birth to her mother…”

“Her?”

Tears seemed to have struck the dam of lashes as her vision blurred again.

“She is a healthy baby. But remember Deepali…Any renewed symptoms should be immediately brought to our notice…and regular check ups.”

The car sped down the track, bringing her ever so close to her destination. Her head seemed to swing back and forth with the momentous rhythm of the metro car. Three years of blissful marriage…Mannat’s second birthday…and the unsettling nausea had come calling again.

“I am coming with you…”

“No…please Prateek. Its Mannat’s big day…I would take the metro. Seriously…”

Her heart glided back to the present as she distinctly felt her own fingernails dug into her flesh, the paper still clutched in her hands. The nausea was calling again…the head lightheaded, heart peaceful. She was not running from anything anymore…she was running back home.

The station seemed to arrive before she could wipe her tears away. He stood there, his eyes seeking her face for answers and he seemed to clutch Mannat closer than ever to his heart. She simply handed him the paper and held on to Mannat. Tears welled up inside his eyes and he let them fall.

The train was leaving the station, inching away to help people reach where they wished to go. Deepali walked out of the station and heard the metro leaving the platform in a gush. A journey of hardly 30 minutes and she had lived a lifetime…

A broken voice seemed to glide in…

“Deepali…there is absolutely nothing.”

“But the nausea doctor…”

She had smiled then and looked at the woman, her eyes warming instantly.

“It is precisely just that…nausea…your urine sample confirmed…hope it’s a boy this time…”

Authors note:

It is purely fiction and though medically not impossible...never heard of at least. I wish to thank Deepak with all my heart...his post just inspired this small story. Hope I lived up to your expectations!

Nocturnal

"The winds are changing..." Deepanita sighed, her voice barely a whisper and audible only to Karan who sat next to her, blissfully lost in his own reverie. She looked at him from the corner of her eye and smiled at the way his muscles stretched across his jaw whenever he took a deep drag of his cigarette. He felt her stare at him and on a delayed note seemed to hear what she had uttered for he smiled back and quirked a lazy eyebrow.
"Getting philosophical...are we?"
"Nah...just trying to get poetic and a bit romantic."
He stretched his leg over the stairs in front and leaned back, supporting his elbows on the step above to straighten out his back a bit.
"So...tell me something...why do you think I should believe you when you say that you love me?"
She looked at his stretched form and felt a certain playfulness stealing over her.
"Oh please don't believe me for a single moment for I would tell you very honestly Karan...I do not love you at all."
"That...my love...I am aware of."
Deepanita smiled and looked at her watch, a frown creased her forehead.
"My cab would be arriving shortly."
"It's only for a month you know..." he said, understanding the frown and she nodded.
"But this sucks Karan. Imagine the utter helplessness of the situation...the only place I can truly meet my husband is when he is getting ready to start his shift and I have ended mine!"
"Deepa..."
"Oh I know...its a job and we both knew what it meant and all that jazz. It just feels awful that's all."
Karan nodded and moved his hand over his wife's shoulder, reassuringly.
"Once I get the promotion, then maybe you would not need to stay in this job you know..."
"And then do what? Sit around and marinate in the house?" Deepanita was suddenly angry and she knew she was being difficult at this time But she hated going back to an empty house. She had been the one to agree to marriage so soon, had said they would adjust. But...she wanted a normal life, a life where you got up with the sun and cuddle up in a warm bed at night, think about a family...but she was stuck...stuck in a life that meant no sunshine. She could get a day job...Karan had told her he was completely ok with it but that would mean never truly meeting him for his shifts were mostly during the night. Call Centers at least gave her the priveledge to be with him for a longer duration of time. Except for the month like this one.
"Deepa...I am not changing my job. I like it here and we are earning way better than most people who work the conventional 9 to 5. And Besides..."
My cab's here." Deepanita said moodily and got up. She heard Karan sigh and stand up behind her but made no attempt to follow her to the cab. He could not pacify her and knew her too well to know she would come to terms with it. some times, he thought ruefully, he really did wonder wasn't there a real difference in this life and the life people usually led? He kept telling people that there was no difference as such...just the times they acknowledged. And time was different for different. He saw her getting in the cab and leaving and stared at the sky, a deep shade of indigo, a lazy cloud hugged the moon around the edge. He like it like this...he liked the quiet murmur of life rather than the loud horns. So what if people referred to him as nocturnal...he liked it like this. And Deepanita would understand, he thought and smiled as he picked out another cigarette from his pack.

If I were.......

Deepti Tagged me and well.......here I am...

If I were a beginning,I would be: Death
If I were a month, I would be: December...
If I were a day of the week, I would be: Monday
If I were a time of day,I would be: 4:00 a.m
If I were a planet, I would be: Earth....(Filled with Life)
If I were a season, I would be: WInters
If I were a sea animal, I would be: Coral (Life starts with the end)
If I were a direction, I would be: The direction that takes you home
If I were a piece of furniture, I would be: A rocking Chair
If I were a sin, I would be: Love
If I were a liquid, I would be: Rain Drops
If I were a fraud/scare, I would be: A Nobody?
If I were a gem, I would be: Saphire....(The stone filled with water.......)
If I were a tree, I would be: Neem...(Healing)
If I were a tool, I would be: A pulley
If I were a flower/plant, I would be: Mogra

If I were a kind of weather, I would be: Pleasant
If I were a musical instrument, I would be: Flute
If I were an animal, I would be: Eagle
If I were an emotion, I would be: Love
If I were a vegetable, I would be: Potato
If I were a sound, I would be: a baby's chuckle
If I were an element, I would be: water
If I were a car, I would be: Black Mercedes E 230
If I were a song, I would be: Woh bhooli dastaan
If I were a food, I would be: Ice Cream
If I were a place, I would be: India
If I were a material, I would be: Silk
If I were a taste, I would be: Sour
If I were a scent, I would be: Mogra
If I were a religion, I would be: Humanity
If I were a sentence, I would be: Keep The Faith.
If I were a body part, I would be: Fingers
If I were a facial expression, I would be: Dreamy

If I were a subject in college, I would be: English
If I were a shape, I would be: Random
If I were a quantity, I would be: Kilo?
If I were a color, I would be: Black
If I were a thing, I would be: Any Thing
If I were a landmass, I would be: Mountain
If I were a book, I would be: I havent decided the name yet...but I am the book!
If I were a monument, I would be: The Vatican
If I were an artist, I would be: Shahrukh Khan
If I were a collection of poems, I would be: POETIC
If I were a landscape, I would be: a beach
If I were a watch, I would be: ticking away forever
If I were God, I would be: Immortal
If I were a vowel, I would be: A
If I were a consonant, I would be: K
If I were a formula, I would be: E=mc^2
If I were a Science, I would be: Logical
If I were a theory, I would be: Survival of the fittest
If I were a famous person, I would be: Kanika Khurana
If I were an electronic equipment, I would be: Tape Recorder
If I were sport, I would be: Chess
If I were a movie, I would be: How to make an American Quilt
If I were a cartoon, I would be: Genie
If I were an explorer, I would be: on my own but never alone
If I were a scientist, I would be: Eccentric
If I were a relation, I would be: Friendship
If I were a river, I would be: Perennial
If I were intoxication, I would be: High of life
If I were alone, I would be: Dreaming
If I were a question, then I would be: Why?
If I were a hobby, I would be: Writing
If I were a habit, I would be: Happy
If I were in an atom, I would be: Hydrogen
If I were an end, I would be: Life
If I were you, I would be: Shocked!!!!!!

Half Empty or Half Full?

I don't know how to start writing this particular post. I don't even know why I am writing this...maybe because the only thing I can really do is write.

5 years ago on 2nd September my dad passed away...and I had only one fear...God...please don't take my mum...

10th September 2007 she breathed her last...............

I have no fears no more.

Is my life half empty now or is it half full?

P.S. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MA...You are missed. (14th Sept. 2007)

3 Bags Full!!!

Deepti has tagged me. Its really a simple tag and yet the most difficult in its own right. I mean with the heart wishing to see the whole world...to list 3 places where I would want to go is like...hey...

But as I started writing I remembered the nursery rhyme...and decided I would state the three places that match the distribution of the 3 bags of wool!!!

One for the master!

Unlike the poem, I would not like to visit a place for the king but I would like to refer it to my head. The master of the body.


And my head craves Paris. To study the art that is bestowed on the city! Maybe I would hate it but I wish to walk through the Louvre at my own pace, go through the movement called the Renaissance and wonder what inspired men?


One for the dame!

Initial reference for the church is modified by me to refer to the heart...a place where God resides (as told to me and now believed by me as well)

There are many beautiful places and sites yet to be explored by me but my heart has stayed at a small hill station in North India. Mussourie...a hill station of no real consequence but for me its a place that inspires me endlessly. A place where words simply flow on the paper...a place where I can simply sit for hours and listen to the wind whisper a sweet lullaby in my ears!


One for the little boy who lives down the lane!

The farmer who does all the work...the body who follows where the master leads...and this is a place where the body aches to be...

In the comforts of my room! My bed and my people around. The only place where my body craves for is HOME!!!!

I know this is not what the tag was about Deepti but you know me...I like to customize.

I would love to tag all and ask them to answer this simple question...

Have you any wool?

CHOCOLATE LOVE STORY (concluding part)

(My heartfelt apologies for the delay...hope this makes up for it!)

It was happening, Dewang thought as he cut through the cake. She was right beside him, singing a birthday song for him. It did not matter that it wasn’t his birthday…it was too early for that. But somehow, the fact that she was around lifted his spirits. He felt as if it was his birthday. Like an excited child. A coy look towards Parvez and Mohit got wide smiles. And he blushed! It was a beautiful feeling and if only…if only he could spend some time with her. His wishes were granted as Parvez jumped in to the rescue.

“Hey…what time do you get free in the evening?”

She looked surprised and shared a glance with the other girl who was standing around the table as well.

“Uh…”

“We are traveling and well…its his birthday after all. Why don’t you two join us for dinner?”

Mohit seemed to take cue form Parvez then and started talking with her as well.

“If you two can’t then we understand. But it would be nice if you could…”

She looked at Dewang then and he smiled. He should have said something, invited her or said thanks or something…but he had lost his voice. Yet he knew he wanted her to say yes…and she smiled at him then.

“We would be free by six…”

“Great. We can pick you girls up from here at around same time?” Mohit said and the other girl smiled.

“Sounds like fun.”

Dewang gave her a polite smile and looked away as the two walked back towards the waiting customers.

“Oh, Dewang you owe me 500…” It was Parvez again and Dewang looked around sharply at his friend.

“Huh?”

“It’s your birthday pal…you pay the bill!”

Dewang laughed and as his friends joined in he felt butterflies jump around in his stomach. His eyes darted towards the clock on the opposite wall and then back towards her, busy behind the counter. It was hardly 12…he thought and sipped moodily on his hot chocolate. Still 6 more hours to go. But then, they could keep sitting here till it poured. But he knew it way too well…it won’t last too long. And he was right. Before he knew the cake had been devoured, coffees gulped down and the clock barely showed 1. The clouds parted and people started to appear on the streets again.

“Would you guys like something else?” it was the other girl who walked up to them. There was no place in their tummies and though Dewang would gladly keep eating or drinking coffee if only to keep watching her, but he knew he could not do that. Not only would it look rude, he worried eating too much could give out a bad impression. He noticed her giving him sideways glance as she crossed thieve table, but then he might have been imagining things.

“Nah, thanks. We guys need to go now…its stopped raining and well…loads to see.” Mohit said and Parvez stood up as well. Dewang kept sitting at his place, feeling glued to his chair.

“If you could…give us the cheque.” Parvez said and the girl nodded and left, smiling as she crossed the other girl. Dewang just wished she would bring the bill across and she didn’t. Why? Had he done something wrong? Had he offended her? She must have noticed him checking her out every time she crossed his path, looking out for her? Shaking his head he stared at the bill, emptied his purse and stood up. One last look showed her back as she entered the kitchen and doubt crept up again.

“Then, we would see you girls at 6?” Parvez asked as they started walking towards the door. The girl nodded and walked away.

“Move now brother. Can’t do much here…” Parvez said and Dewang nodded.

He checked the watch once they left and felt his heart whimper…more than 4 hours more!

Back in the small hotel room, his friends left him to his present state and decided to take a stroll on the mall road. He could have accompanied, but then he could not possibly wander away. His mind was too preoccupied. He just wished for the needles to turn so that it was six. He felt impatience grip his heart and then he was thinking how he would start a conversation. It was not helping him, just being too quiet.

And then his mind was racing, of possibilities of starting a conversation. And then he was rehearsing. This continued and when his friends returned, he was already ready. Mohit joked when he looked at the time but Parvez just gave him a smile but said nothing. Finally it was six. The sun had set beyond the peaks as the three guys walked towards the coffee shop. There was no point taking the bike. It was better if they just walked. Because of the simple reason that two bikes couldn’t accommodate 5 people.

“Try and speak Dewang,” Parvez suggested as they entered the mall road.

“Ofcourse he would speak. You just leave him alone ok. And besides I don’t blame him. She is indeed very cute.”

“Agreed.”

“Do you think we guys should go to that club?” Dewang asked and Mohit shook his head.

“We are tourists remember? How would we know of any good place? Let the girls decide. In that manner, they would be more comfortable.”

Parvez nodded and then the conversation drifted towards football. And Dewang was grateful for that. Thinking too much would probably ruin the whole thing. And more importantly, there were still important things that could be talked about. And any deviation was welcome. And before Dewang knew, he was enjoying himself again. There was probably something about just the game. But he knew it meant the world to him, his dream to meet the legends. There was a Bayern Munich match to discuss and Dewang was waiting for their next. And he knew the next month was busy. Finally the boys had reached the mall and could see the lamppost glowing right outside the café. Dewang could feel butterflies in his stomach as he realized the door was opening. Maybe he imagines, but a whiff of rich aroma seemed to float to him and he wondered whether he would be able to finally say all the things he had rehearsed in the afternoon. And then they were saying their hellos. A smile had lighted when he saw her face, glowing by the lamplight, her hair tied in a neat ponytail. She was dressed casually in a t and jeans and then something happened. His smile simply died away. How could she? He wondered but there was nothing more to think about. Parvez and Mohit were their usual self, nice and cheerful. But Dewang had lost all inclination to talk. He ached to get back to his room. They were guided to a small joint that served Tibetan food. He noticed how she was smiling at him, how Parvez ensured she sat next to him but there was absolutely nothing he could talk about. Though he had spoken in monosyllables in the afternoon as well, there had always been a smile. But now, his tone was cold, formal and totally devoid of any emotions his heart had experienced in the morning. And finally it had all come to an end. They parted ways, she wished him happy birthday again and got a curt nod in reply. She stood on her dorrstep and Dewang was acutely aware of her eyes following him. He should have turned and smiled at her. But there was absolutely no point nor any inclination. He walked in silence, feeling moody. And his friends kept mum, respecting his decision, though completely baffled by his sudden jump to the cold self. But they knew that now was not the right time. And then they were finally back to their room. Mohit kept looking at Dewang as he changed and slouched on the bed, his face all relaxed again.

“Dewang…I don’t understand? Whatever happened?”

Dewang stared at his friend and then at Parvez who had also stopped on his way to the loo, a towel in hand. They were curious and he could not blame them. Afterall, they had gone through all this for him…

“Well…” Dewang cleared his throat and then he said it.

“She was wearing a Werder Bremen T-shirt. You saw it!” he said and there was a complete silence. Mohit frowned and then he looked at Parvez. Within seconds there was a burst of laughter as the two friends started laughing.

“Beer?” Mohit called as he managed to drag himself to the small fridge. The TV was being switched on.

“Beer sounds good!” Dewang smiled and settled on the bed, his legs flung across. He thought again of the chocolate cake, the warm café and her radiant smile. But some crimes had no excuses…

CHOCOLATE LOVE STORY (Part I)

“Paradise!” Mohit exclaimed and stared at his friends, totally uninterested in the view. Parvez was busy talking on his mobile and Mohit could only guess with whom. He would never change, he shook his head and his eyes traveled on to look at Dewang, lying on his bike, his face covered with the cap, legs crossed. He could not really decide who was worse off. Where Parvez was a complete flirt, Dewang was totally disinterested. He could not remember the last time Dewang had looked at a woman, leave alone talk with one in a manner that was even semi-formal!

“Dewang!” he shouted and got a sideways glance, as he removed his cap to look at his friend.

“”What?”

“Come on man…How you can waste your time in sleeping!”

There was no reply, just a small smile, a quirked eyebrow and a hand movement that readjusted the cap. Mohit gave up and looked at the lush green peaks, sighing as clouds floated across. If only he was artistic enough, he would have written a poem. But he had his limitations. There was nothing he could truly do about it other than admire. His mind rushed back to the sky, darkening by the minute.

“It’s going to rain,” it was Dewang’s voice and Mohit turned to look at his friend, standing right behind him.

“I can see that.” He said and Dewang looked across at Parvez.

“So who is it this time?”

“How would I know? If only there was just one!”

Dewang smiled and went on to sit on his bike. His eyes stayed on the tree at the edge of the cliff for a moment before he whistled and gave a kick to his bike.

“Hey Romeo…let’s leave before we get drenched.”

Parvez seemed to listen then and hurried to park himself behind Dewang. Mohit was already on his bike, waiting for them to push off. It took them 15 minutes to drive back to the small market in the centre of the mountain town but it was too late. The clouds had rushed in on them and the friends decided to take shelter.

The bell chimed in an ancient cling as Dewang pushed open the door to step in, standing just inside as his friends followed. And within seconds he knew he was hungry. The scent of freshly baked cookies seemed to enthrall his senses. Smiling he looked at Parvez who was already trying to find his phone that was ringing again. Mohit was staring animatedly outside the glass windows as the busy street emptied and rain fell like pellets on the road. An old English establishment in the hills of Eastern India, how could he not feel amused? But the sight was not new for Dewang. He had been born and brought up in this part of the country. He knew the blue hills, the dark sky and the white waterfalls like abc. It was home for him and there was nothing to see or admire. And then he knew he could never have been more wrong. She was walking towards them, like an angel in white and green stripes! The small skirt seemed to follow the rhythm of her legs as her small feet guided her on the wooden floor. Small feet, snug in canvas shoes, socks rolled down. Everything was just perfect…starting from the dark black hair, the piercing black eyes and the rosy cheeks. And his eyes stayed on the smile, perfection in itself. Small and friendly. She crossed him and his eyes closed as a whiff of chocolate reached his nostrils. His eyes followed her as she placed the steaming mug of hot chocolate on the table. The old man smiled at her and she replied with an equally radiant smile. She turned and her eyes met his’, unabashedly staring at her.

“Table for three?” she asked and he nodded, too smitten to talk. A small wistful smile lighted her features as she showed them an empty table by the window. Mohit was talking again, sighing as he looked at the rain outside.

“Wow!” was all that escaped his lips as he continued to stare outside the window. The hills were now covered by the clouds. But all that was lost to Dewang’s eyes. They followed her around as she rushed form one table to another, smiling at everyone in turn. She looked at him and he knew he should have looked away. But try as he might he couldn’t.

“So beautiful!” Mohit sighed again.

“Very.” Dewang finally said and his friend turned, amused that Dewang finally had something to say about the place. And then he realized that was not the case. Dewang’s eyes were stuck on a very different vision.

“Ahem?” he cleared his throat and Dewang looked at him with surprise. He never realized Mohit was looking at him. By this moment, even Parvez was interested, his phone finally stashed away.

“What?” Dewang asked and Mohit smiled.

“She is pretty.” He said and Dewang smiled. There was a certain boyish charm about that smile. And he felt it too. Strangely he never realized how it happened but his heart seemed to float like the clouds.

“Go talk to her.” Parvez said and Dewang shook his head.

“Don’t be silly. We leave tomorrow…”

“So what?” Mohit asked and Dewang shook his head as his heart whispered that it was worth it.

“Come on man….how long has it been really?” Parvez asked and Dewang frowned.

“Well…so what do you propose I do?” he asked, a bit flustered. It seemed like he was back in school, his friends prodding him to go and talk to a certain girl he had a crush on. And strangely it was a nice feeling. He was ready to be prodded, coaxed and motivated to do the unthinkable. And suddenly he could not believe that the man who earned his bread and butter due to his communication abilities was not able to think of an opening line to start a conversation! The man who told people how to talk was almost scared to go up to a woman and ask her about her name! A girl was the right word, he corrected himself and his eyes darted towards her again. And his heart jumped to his mouth when he realized she was walking towards there table, her pen and writing pad in hand.

“Would you like to order?” she asked and he felt her voice glide like a sweet melody from his ears to his heart.

“Uh…”

“In fact we would. What do you suggest?” Parvez was talking and Dewang was thankful.

“Well…the weather is just perfect for some nice hot chocolate and I would recommend out cream rolls to go with it. And if your taste runs towards something salty…”

“Cream rolls sound great. And yes…could I talk with you?” he said as he left the seat and guided her away from the table. Dewang stared on as Parvez spoke with her. He could not make out a single word that left his mouth and then he was conscious for the girl was looking at him and gave the sweetest of the smiles. She turned then and walked away and Parvez walked back, a naughty glint in his eyes.

“What did you do?”

“Relax pal. Consider it done!”

Mohit smiled his approval and Dewang stared from one to another.

“Guys…”

“Don’t worry a jot. Everything is taken care of by master Parvez…you are in good hands my friend!”

“If you mean your hands…pal trust me I would have been safer hanging off a cliff!”

Mohit chuckled and Parvez laughed.

“Well…you have no choice. Either trust me or keep hanging!”

Dewang felt butterflies in his stomach and his eyes glinted with amusement at his own reaction. He could not remember the last time he felt such apprehension yet he had to admit he was loving this feeling. His eyes searched for her but she had retreated to the kitchen and a while later he felt a strange disappointment. Another woman was carrying a tray towards their table and he looked on at Parvez, smiling gaily back at him. She placed the mugs on the table and a basket of cream rolls, smiled down at the three of them with a large radiant smile towards Dewang and went back.

“What was that?” he asked and Parvez grinned.

“Nothing. Just relax and enjoy. These smell great.” He was already mouthing a scrumptious looking roll and Mohit followed suit. Dewang’s appetite was all lost. But he forced some hot chocolate down his throat even as his eyes kept searching for her. And then he saw her, walking towards him with a smile as radiant as ever, carrying what looked like a birthday cake. And he could not help staring at her. And he only wished to look on. She was standing in front of him then, her smile mesmerizing him.

“Happy Birthday!” she said and Dewang smiled.

A Dash of Color...

He stared at the mountains stretched out at his feet, mighty peaks looking subdued in the pale moonlight. Everything was just a strange shade of grey. The world of no colors, he thought and settled on the boulder, his eyes drinking in the silence as light frisked from one peak to another. Two lovers dancing around. The clouds tantalizing his senses, he closed his eyes and felt the cool comfort. Like a child in his mother's womb...a blissful feeling of contentment and security seemed to envelop him. He looked again and felt memories rushing in from all corners. Sweet memories laced with just a bit of sadness. Droplets of good old memories that seemed to trickle down to his lashes as a wet smile hovered on his lips. Life, he thought...life was good!

It was a gentle murmur of wind that woke him. Groping for his pack of cigarettes he fumble out of the tent. there was a light chill in the air and he soon realised why! The world had come to life. Clouds danced around the peaks, gliding like a young girl, playful and tantalizing. The sky seemed to peak from behind the white cover, a glorious blue as serene and subtle as mother's smile. Green peaks sprinkled with brown corners. Leaves fluttering as clouds gently touched them...The warm sun seemed to smile down, as clouds rendered a constant view of shade and light. Hope seemed to fill his heart. If the night had made him think of a mother's womb, the day prodded him on like a reassuring father. As eyes sparkled with hope and heart filled with joy he knew...Life is good!!!

(Going through Deepak's snaps is always a treat. For they seem to transport me from my seat to all these beautiful locales and imagination springs up. And when I saw these two snaps I could only wonder...How a Dash of color changes life....)

Thanks to Deepak!!!

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..............

Deepanita struggled with the yawn, trying hard to keep her eyes open. But it was a futile attempt. Right after the weekoffs it was the same thing. No matter how hard you tried, the darn eyes refused to stay open. And the it did not matter whether you were talking on the phone or not...sleep would somehow take over. Finally the old lady hung up and she threw the headphones on the table. All she wanted was to take a nap...a small cat nap that should fix her up.
"Wake up girl!" Nimesh shook her slightly and she opened her eyes to notice the red light go up. Hastily she replaced the head phones and was speaking again, the same line time and again. To her relief it was merely a transfer call and she hastened to oblige. If this continued she would get a bad C-Sat cause the chances were any minute now she would doze off.
"Sleepy?" Nimesh asked and she turned to look at her Team Leader sitting on her left, staring at her. He was a sweet guy, she thought looking with amusement as she noticed how he managed to fit into a chair, all cross legged.
"Very..." she said and he smiled.
"Go get coffee..." he said and she shook her head.
"Nahin yaar...it won't help."
"It would...come on now...u have a half hour log out left...haven't you?"
"Yes...should I take a break now? I still have 15 minutes to that..."
"Do it before the damn thing rings again..."
That was enough. Deepanita rushed through the series of numbers on her Avaya and stood up. Nimesh was already standing, waiting patiently for her. But not much patience was required. It hardly took her a minute to lock her computer and log off from the Avaya, gather her purse and stand. He was amused how quickly the person could log out. Beginning of the shift was the biggest ordeal for Nimesh. He had to keep calling people to log in...but give them an opportunity to log off...hardly a minute...But he was not going to say anything about it...after all....he had been there...done that!

They walked to the terrace, the cups in hand. It was a warm night and the transition from the centrally air conditioned office was strangely refreshing. The light breeze seemed to comfort the mind and feel fresh against the chilled skin.
"Hows life?" Nimesh asked and Deepanita shrugged.
"Its the same. The same old Avaya and the same old customers..."
"And the same sleep...Still sleepy?" he asked and Deepanita nodded. Her head felt heavy and eyelashes were being forced to stay apart.
"How come you are always so fresh?" she asked and waited while he lighted his cigarette.
"Habit I guess."
"Its a bad habit. One should not get used to staying up all night!" Deepanita joked and was rewarded a smile.
"Right. But we all must do so...it really does not matter Deepanita. All you need to understand is that we are operating in a no sun land!"
Deepanita sipped on her coffee and waited for her brain to formulate a reply. But all she could really think of was a bed. That was all she really needed...a nice warm bed. If only...
"Drink up." he said and she dutifully placed the cup back to her lips. It was not a nice coffee...truly speaking it was horrible. Yet it seemed to bring a certain relief. She waited for Nimesh to start talking again but he kept mum. There was nothing to say. This was just the time to sip and relax. Coffee finished they walked back inside. She looked at the watch to realize the 30 minutes were all but over. Sleep was calling on to her again as the work floor loomed in front. Yet the floor was all ablaze, instead of the constant murmur, there was a loud banter and it did not take her more than a while to realize that it was an outage. People standing on their workstations, chatting loudly, a distant Avaya ringing, a little silence and then chatter again.
"How long?" Nimesh asked and Adi gave him a wide smile.
"6 hours at least..."
"Great." Nimesh said and Deepanita noticed a certain disappointment in his voice. Amused she walked to her chair and stared at the blank monitor screen, blinking helplessly back at her. 6 hours...another five hours for her shift and this was...it was just perfect. Slumping on her chair she closed her eyes...This would do was the thought that crossed her mind minutes before all sleep left her.

Tete a Tete

It's been a while now that I had a small chit chat with any of us. Talking in stories can get really confusing now...hence this small little post. The past month was an ordeal for Call Center Diaries...the pages paled and withered in the storm and it meant a distorted story and well loads of confusion. And then there came an outage...a moment in time when the brain truly blanked out. Pre and Post that outage I had posted a small story: King of Spades. And a friend promptly pointed that it was way too confusing. And I endeavor to put out the thought in a simple manner...why write a story after all about something that can be discussed?

It goes without saying that all of us sooner or later come across situations in life that tend to shake the very ground we walk upon. Sometimes our beliefs are shattered, our faith questioned and hope destroyed. And during those specs of life we are left thinking and pondering about the magnitude of the problem, the endless maze of unanswered questions. It happened with me recently. I was completely oblivious of the storm that stood by my doorstep and got drastically drenched. But I had to keep walking. As I tried to find my way across I happened to learn a card game. A card game my dad used to be an Ace of and I had never truly cared to learn. But soon I started liking the game for its simplicity. The game of cards counts the points only for the Spades suit and the King of Spades hold the maximum points...13 while the Aces in the game hold a point each. During one game while I sat engrossed in my worries...about life and how to win the game I realized I had all the big cards...but what was the point? I was loosing all of them for I did not have the smaller cards in my hand. And I just ventured...It is the not big cards that can make you win a game...its the smaller cards.

And the thought stayed. The fact that if I was to use a metaphor and associate a deck of cards with life...then what I needed to do was try and win the game. And I had to concentrate on the seemingly smaller cards! In other words...I had to think about the things that look like a small problem and usually left unattended. These small problems usually hold the key to the larger problems. With this thought also came the thought that like the problems...it is also true for happiness. A thing often repeated by many is that happiness comes in small packages. We all go about our life, trying to attain that elusive happiness by means of big things...yet in the end the true happiness comes with the smallest of the things. A small smile, a hug and a pat on the back. Small moments held together makes our lives worth living. We seldom understand that and in the end have only regrets for we tend to let go of the smaller things in life in the thirst for something Big!

King of Spades is a character that is present in all of us. In varying amounts, yet very much present. the story was only a metaphor...it only went out to sell the idea that we might be unknowingly letting go of the only thing that truly makes us happy...

What say?

King of Spades II

Alisha tried to keep her mind focussed on her drink, yet it was not a possibility. Her eyes strayed towards the couple and her heart let out a whimper everytime his hand went on to hold hers' across the table. What was it she was feeling? She wish she could put a name to the feeling. For it was not regret, neither jealousy and definitely not love. Just a searing pain she had long forgotten about. She stayed put, sipping on her drink and wishing for him to leave so she could leave too. And finally he did, holding the door for the woman before following her out. Heaving a sigh of relief she waited for another ten minutes and left. The mall was still crowded but the face was nowhere to be seen. She felt anger surge up...if he could simply walk around not even noticing she moved in the same place, then why should she be so very apprehensive about he spotting her. It would be good in case he did, would only be right if she ignored him too, just the way he had been too oblivious of her presence. Still deciding whether to take the elevators or the escalators she felt someone come and stand right beside her.
"Running away are we?" the voice was too close and too familiar. And he was there, his smile plastered on his face, brows quirked in plain mockery.
"Sidharth...I..."
"How are you Alisha?" he asked, looking in her eyes and holding them captive. And she knew she was mesmerized again.
"I am good."
"You look great..."
Anger mingled with confusion gripped her heart. She should have turned and walked away, perhaps smiled a polite apology and ran as far as she could. But she did nothing of the order...instead she felt her tongue stick to the top of her mouth as her lips dried instantaneously. He was removing the strand of hair from her face and she felt her knees melt under his touch.
"How about a cup of coffee? Would help to knock out the drinks you had..."
"How..."
"I don't have to look to know you are there Alisha. Coffee?" he asked again and then he was guiding the way to the escalators. She waited for a minute, glued to her spot, wondering how he presumed she would say yes. And the voice was prodding her...Wouldn't she? And she was following him again, drawn like a pin to the magnet.

"It's been a long time!" Sid was speaking, no strain in his voice, no visible regret or qualms. As comfortable as meeting a very old dear friend who had lost touch over time.
Alisha looked at the man in bewilderment. How could he do this? How could he act as if he had never done anything wrong to her? How could he sit in front of her and treat her as if she was a long lost friend? why was he not as flurried as she was? But then why would he be upset? He had never loved her...
"What are we doing here?" she asked and he frowned.
"Presently waiting for our coffee!"
"Sid...you know what I mean?"
"Oh come now Alisha...we have grown up...haven't we? Let's just enjoy our coffee...why do you want to beat yourself up for such a small thing?"
"It is not a small thing Sid. The way you used me..."
He waited for her to complete the sentence but she never did that. It was not what she wanted to say. Perhaps she would have liked slapping him, calling him names but then...something else resurfaced without a warning. Something she thought she never really had until Sid had walked into her life.
"Alright...let's talk. How have you been? Where have you been?"
He smiled and waited as their coffee was placed in front of them. Once they were alone again he looked at her, his smile subtle and warm.
"Have been where I was when you left me."
"Sid..."
"You did leave me Alisha...just left me..."
"You are blaming me?" the bitterness was back, pain increasing with every passing second.
"What was I supposed to do Sid? Watch as you pranced about with that woman trying to get her...I loved you!"
"You loved me?" he asked, the sarcasm cutting her like a knife.
"Yes. I did...not anymore Sid..."
He sipped on his coffee and waited for her to settle down.
"Why were you surprised? More importantly...I was always honest with you Alisha. You knew what I wanted out of life...knew how important that woman could have been...then why?"
"Sid you are a sleaze ball." She said and looked away.
"No Alisha. I was practical. I am practical. But I never lied to you when I said I love you...and you know that!"
"Love? You can not love anyone but yourself. I was important to you...but you never loved me."
Sidharth stared at her and she felt tremors of shock run through her.
"I did...I needed you by my side Alisha...I wanted you to stay by my side...but you left me. But I am not blaming you..."
She smirked and looked at him. She had never detested him more than this.
"Sid...you stood me up. We were planning to get married..."
"The time was not right. I needed to play it right..."
"Life, Sid, is not a game of cards. I hope you realize that some day." Alisha was calm now, completely at ease with the situation. Strangely it felt ok to say anything now. And she wanted to say whatever she never got a chance to.
"It is Alisha...I thought you understood that!"
"You and your stupid theories. So who is the new woman?" Alisha asked, wishing to find something to hate him more.
"Deepika."
"Your..."
He looked at her, his eyes trying to read the emotions on her face.
"To be wife..."
"Ah!" she said and sat back on her chair.
"How much is she worth?" she asked and he laughed.
"I really like her Alisha..."
"Cut the crap...how much?"
"Her dad owns the company I work in."
Alisha felt a strange contentment flow through her heart. It was not love...she was right all along...he was not capable of love.
"I miss you Alisha. I really do."
"Oh don't give me that Sid. Not again...I am happily married and sick and tired of stupid power games. And besides I can't give you anything more than I already did..."
Alisha looked at her watch and then again at him, his face masked.
"Thanks for the coffee Sid. And don't come after me...as you said...I am only the Ace...a card you can easily do without!"
With that she stood up and left as tears fell down her cheeks. He should never see them...for he would interpret them again as tears of lost love. But they were tears of betrayal her heart had to endure and finally it was over.

Sid lighted his cigarette as he looked at the woman walking away, her head held high. He had seen her at the shop, his eyes had followed her as she entered the pub and he had been acutely aware of her presence in the same room. Deepika had been too surprised at his obvious devotion to her. How was she to understand that it had meant nothing...he kept looking at the woman he had mercilessly thrown away, only too late to realize she meant everything to him. How wrong he was...running after bigger cards to win the game...How did he forget...It was not the big cards that won the game...It was the set of smaller cards...and he had thrown the most powerful of them all...His Ace of Spades...

Outage is over...back to work

I guess the blog about call centres is not complete without an outage. In call centres...outage was a period when we had the loads of fun, for the systems were down, the calls stopped and well...it was simply party time. The same happened to the blog, the systems went out, the calls died away and I was left to my thoughts. It was important for it meant I resoned out the priorities in my life, understood the realities and assessed the situations. I so hope I can say that I am back...as a better person.

So here is to all who stood by me and hoped for me to answer the call again...with a smile no less. To all you beautiful people....THANK YOU FOR CALLING...This is Kanika...How may I please you today?

:)

To all who are here on this blog I wish to forward a heart felt apology. The reasons are two...one, I would not be publishing the concluding part of King of Spades and second...I would not be blogging for a while. Please don't ask me why...or for how long I would be absent from my blog...

I do not wish to say that it is the end of Thank You for Calling...I don't know if it is or not. But till the time I answer the phone again, put up a smile and speak...here is to one and all...

Have a Good Day. Bye...

King of Spades

He stared at her and smiled, his eyes warming up instantly as she gave a glorious warm hearted smile in return.
"What do you think?" she asked and he nodded.
"It's looking amazing!"
"You think so?" she asked again and looked at her reflection in the full length mirror. He moved behind her so that his eyes held hers captive.
"You are so beautiful," he said and she felt tears well up in her own eyes. She could not look anywhere else.
"You make me look beautiful."

The woman stood just round the next counter, a small amused smile on her face. She was aware of the slight pain in her chest as the green eyed monster started to roll its fangs again but she pulled on her sunglasses and looked away. She could not possibly do much about the situation. It was a done deal. She needed to let it all go and move forward in her life. It had been his choice. She had been a nobody...but important to win over. A mere card...and as he always said...It does not matter what cards are in your hands...what matters is the cards in the the opponents hands. And she had learned the game from the master. Had seen the way he would set his hand, would make sure he realized the opponent's weakness and then he would strike!
"Alisha...have you ever noticed the King of Spades?" he had asked her one day while they sat sipping on coffee in his bedroom, the cards spread out on the bed.
"Ofcourse I have. What's there to notice?"
"Notice girl...Only the King of Spades looks in the opposite direction...always!"
She stared on as he threw the four kings towards her. It was true she was not too much into cards...that it was only a game...yet she did play on a regular bases.
"King of Spades somehow generates Power. I don't know why he looks in the opposite direction but I presume that it teaches us that if you want power...look where no one else is looking!"
"But..."
"Scared Alisha?" he asked and she shook her head.
"Not scared Sid. Not scared at all."
He smiled and forwarded his hand and she held it without shame. Let him be the King of Spades...she thought.
Bringing herself back to the present she stared on at the two people completely lost in their own small world. He had not changed much when it came to looks. Standing at modest Indian height of 5'10" he was not a Greek god by any standards. Yet there was that coldness in his eyes that could warm you up! And while you basked in the glorious warmth he would sum you up, understand the importance and build his own hand. She had been the Ace...the all important power card for him. Long before she could dream about being the queen she was discarded. He reached his heights and she was left with a pack of cards. She walked around the counter, pointedly ignoring the man she could never truly ignore. Just a chance spotting him in the mall had made her chase him around. She was not prepared to face him. Not yet, she thought and walked out of the shop, her head starting to ache. Desperately she needed to get out of the situation. Desperately she wished to forget she had seen him. It hurt her, to see him nice and happy with another woman. Yes...he would be playing her around too. But what was it in his eyes she had seen? Was it genuine love? It couldn't possibly be that! He was not the kind of men who understood subtle emotions like love. For him it was always about power and money meant power. Once he had left her to explore the glorious heights of success it had been a hard road. It took her time to rebound but she eventually did. Now she had everything a woman could possibly ask for, a comfortable and respectable job in one of the best companies, a loving husband and a beautiful daughter. Yet today, when she saw him, she could not help the bitterness calling up on her again. Entering the darkened bar she felt a bit relaxed. Yes, she could use a drink before she met up with Shantanu.
Sipping on her vodka, she felt memories start to fade against the burning liquid. And then it was not meant to be. The door opened and the very man walked in, accompanied by the woman on his side. She prayed he would not see her yet wished he would. Strangely, her prayers were granted and he walked to the other corner, holding her hand firmly as he did. She looked on at the woman with a critical eye. She was not overtly beautiful for sure. A little plump definitely. And her hair were short, too short for his taste! Gulping down her vodka in one sure swig she removed a cigarette from her pack and lighted it. Her fingers shook slightly as her eyes strayed towards his hands, holding hers across the table. She loved Shantanu...then why was she feeling this way? He was a no one from her past...then why had she jumped when the shadow crossed her path unexpectedly?

To be contd....

Que Sera Sera...Whatever Will be Will be!

"All in good time...All in good time!" he smiled and started walking away again, his face lighted with a benign smile.
"But..." She frowned and he turned to look at her again, his eyebrows quirked.
"But?"
"Well...seriously. Don't you think it is high time already? I mean...how long do I wait? I thought..."
"You thought what?" he asked, sitting on the white chair, his face glowing with amusement and compassion.
"Well don't ask me as if you don't know what I thought! You know everything...and you know what is going on in my mind...in my heart. I just want you to tell me..."
"Its true I know everything. But my child...I want you to tell me nonetheless. I like it when you say it..."
"I though you loved me!" she grumbled and he laughed.
"Well of course I love you. but that does not mean I tell you what would happen next. You have to...like every one else...wait for the right time..."
"But if only you told me then I would..."
"You would do what?" the laughter was replaced by a soft look of concern.
"I would give up hope..."
"Would that be nice? Would life be the same without hope?" he asked and she felt tears burning their way through her lashes.
"But God...why do you wish me to hold on to hope? Why not give up? It would be easier to give up and move on in life."
He looked at her, sitting listlessly on the stone, her face streaming with tears now.
"God...please. The pain...I can't handle it anymore..."
He smiled and shook his head.
"I know you can...I know..."
"How can you know....I..." she stopped and he smiled.
"As you said...I know everything. I do. You just remember...walk your own path...whatever will be...will be. You keep walking..."

Happy Endings!

Sunidhi looked at the boy and girl sitting on the table opposite hers. There was a certain peace about the way the two were sitting, totally relaxed. There was no need to talk. Off and on they would say something and then a comfortable silence would follow as the two smoked away and sipped on their coffee. Picking up her own cup of coffee she felt memories of days gone by come back. It had been a very long time indeed she had thought about them. A smile lighted her face as she wondered there was a time she could not think of a day without him. And then life had decided somethings else for her...she knew she had to walk away...he knew she had to go and she had left him. She still remembered the day she had said Good Bye...

"Please...don't make it so hard for me!" Her voice was barely a whisper. He was holding her hand, had held it for the past hour and a half now.
"You do remember your promise don't you?" he asked, his voice strained, eyes red. He was in pain, she knew it.
"I do. And I would...before you die...trust me I would meet you once...I have to. Because I have to kill you, " she mocked and he smiled and tightened his grip on her hand.
"Why can't I keep you for myself?" he asked and she felt tears forming in her eyes.
"You can't and you won't. I have to go now," she said and tried to move her hand away. He looked into her eyes then and her heart seemed to whisper a silent prayer that things would somehow change...that she would somehow end up with him. She felt it squirming in her chest, begging that he would not let go of her hand, would hold on to it and tell her that he was not ready to give up on this relationship so soon...that he would find a way. He let go of her hand then and she moved away...she was strong enough to get up and leave but she knew she did not have the strength to say Good bye to the only man her heart had ever loved.

Sunidhi shook her head and looked across the table at the man. Her husband of past 17 years. Life had changed so much.
"What are you thinking?" he asked and she shrugged.
"Just days gone by. Sometimes I really wonder...what if I would not have married you? What if I would have married a guy who was totally different from you...say a complete opposite?"
"Well...either he would have killed himself or you would have killed him."
"And why is that?"
He looked at her, his eyes mocking her.
"Well...because you would have wished to be with me. So we would have run away and out of depression he would have killed himself or you would have simply done that to get rid of him."
She shook her head and kept the coffee cup away...
"And why do you think I would have wanted to be with you? I did not love you!"
"Oh I know you don't love me honey...it's just that you made a promise once...and that was that you would kill me!"
The wind started to glide around in happy circles. Sunidhi raised the cup in salute and sat back, a smile on her face. She had never said good bye...Some love stories, she thought, were not meant to reach a happy end...and some...like hers...somehow did!

Accomplished Woman!

“Your list of the common extent of accomplishments,” said Darcy, "has too much truth. The word is applied to many a woman who deserves it no otherwise than by netting a purse or covering a screen. But I am very far from agreeing with you in your estimation of ladies in general. I cannot boast of knowing more than half-a-dozen, in the whole range of my acquaintance, that are really accomplished.”

“Nor I, I am sure,” said Miss Bingley.

“Then,” observed Elizabeth, “you must comprehend a great deal in your idea of an accomplished woman.”

“Yes, I do comprehend a great deal in it.”

“Oh! certainly,” cried his faithful assistant, “no one can be really esteemed accomplished who does not greatly surpass what is usually met with. A woman must have a thorough knowledge of music, singing, drawing, dancing, and the modern languages, to deserve the word; and besides all this, she must possess a certain something in her air and manner of walking, the tone of her voice, her address and expressions, or the word will be but half-deserved.”

“All this she must possess,” added Darcy, “and to all this she must yet add something more substantial, in the improvement of her mind by extensive reading.”

“I am no longer surprised at your knowing only six accomplished women. I rather wonder now at your knowing any.”

I cannot do any justice to women other than bring forward this small all time favorites. A conversation between Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth Bennett...who does not know of these characters I ask. It brings about the character of two very different women, of a man's idea of a woman. Today as I sit and wish all women a Very Happy Women's day, I just wish to ask one question...

If Darcy's idea of an accomplished woman is considered...no doubt we would be able to point out so many of them...However...Can you truly think of one who is not accomplished?

In My Element!

A very strange incident once made me wonder just how fascinated I am with the color that is actually not a color. Black...the color of the night...the color that brings to me the feeling of being home. Comfort is what the color inspires in me. And today with Holi just round the corner I shall talk about my color...my element...about Black!
I knew Black was always there but when my best friend started noticing that every birthday I wore nothing but black I knew it was something I was really partial to. And then my mum started complaining that I wore nothing but black. So much so was the love that when after two odd years i chanced to meet an old friend from Hughes he remembered that Black was my favorite color, promptly telling me that he never saw me in any other color! My MBA days were totally black...a friend once threatened me that if I wore black another day she would tear my suit or perhaps burn a hole in it! Yet off late I went away from Black. As I say...i got deviated and it was majorly because it is not appropriate to wear black to office and everything of the sort! My blacks were now limited to expensive suits meant to be worn on special occasions. My wardrobe which had at one point of time no other color than black went blue, mustard, green, purple, red and god knows what all. Slowly black retrieved into one corner and that was that! Two days ago I went back to my element. I was completely black and I knew...I was home. People perhaps wonder what is with this strange fascination with Black. And I try and explain to them what black means to me.

Black is everything in itself...a beginning and an end...black is life, black is love...many would frown at me associating black with love but somehow in their hearts they would agree...its that void that is complete, its that chaos that brings peace...its that state of confusion that brings contentment in its wake...its that color that makes everything equal...for when lights cease....everything is nothing but Black!

Black for me signifies the three most important words...Hope...of a bright morning after the dark night...
Faith...in that power which is as empty yet as whole as the color...
And Love...the essence of life...the darkest and most primitive emotion whose two extremes are Black! the emotion that negates light and make everyone equal...

Here is wishing everyone a Very Happy Holi...

One is the loneliest number....Nah!

Woodie inspired me for this post and I have been itching to write about it since Valentine Blues and finally I shall try and list 20 reasons why Being Single is a GOOOD Thing! Here goes nothing

1. You don't wait for you phone to ring!
2. It's absolutely okay to check out people of the opposite sex!
3. You don't need to remember a zillion dates...birthdays, anniversaries (first month to first year god forbid!)
4. You can like as many men/women as you like without any guilt trips. Come one Come all!
5. If after a day's work you are tired, go right ahead and sleep...don't have to worry about calling someone up and talking!
6. You get to eat your ice cream in totality!
7 Chocolates can be devoured without worrying about not able to fit into the top he bought for you!
8 You can spend all your salary on yourself.
9. YOU CAN SULK AND CRIB WHEN YOU SEE A COUPLE HAND IN HAND AND RENDER A POETIC BEAUTY TO JEALOUSY.
10. Limited phone bills!
11. No one to frown at undone eyebrows! Or to shout about a clean shaved face! Be comfortable the way you want to be!
12. You get to improve your vocabulary...especially slangs and curses that happen with direct reference to point 9.
13. You can wear the color you like...no one to tell you...Don't Wear that color...I Hate it!
14. Can take words at their face value...no analyzing what is the real question or the motive behind the questions.
15. Nobody asks you how am I looking and no reason to think twice before answering!
16. For artists its a definite blessing...emotions are expressed in all their glory.
17. You don't have to worry about bad breath when you wake up in the morning.
18. Your bed is only yours and it does not matter which side you sleep on or which side you wake up.
19. You can sit for hours deciding what kind of a partner you seek in life...not that it would matter but at least it is better to think when you are alone rather than when you are with someone and can't do nothing about it .
FINALLY...
20. You are your own self...and your own best friend!

Good bye! (Concluding Part)

(I apologize for the delay. But the circumstances were not in my hands.)

In the end it is always the same! Everyone finds what they were looking for. The reality of life is that few would know what they were looking for and appreciate it when they find it and few would keep looking even if they had it! That was perhaps true for Nisha. She knew what she wanted as long as she did not have it and when she did have it...She never knew what she truly wanted and kept looking. In the process she went farther than her destiny; till she reached the end of the road and for her there was no turning back. And she stopped looking...

Deepak looked at Nisha standing all by herself on the edge of the cliff. Their last night together, he thought and looked back at the people gathered around the fire, telling stories, laughing and enjoying the peace. Divya sat huddled next to him, her head resting on his shoulder and eyes sparkling. She was content sitting with everyone tonight and his eyes drifted back at the solitary figure, outlined by the moonlight. He could see the smoke curling away into the dark night and something in his heart turned. He would not see her again...Tomorrow when they all went back, she would go away forever. It had been a last trip. Nisha was flying to US of A two days later and from this place she would go and spend one last day with her aunt. It had all been planned as a farewell for Nisha and it was time to say bye. Pulling his hand away from Divya he attempted to stand. She frowned and then smiled as he kissed her gently on her forehead.
"Five minutes." He said and signaled towards Nisha. Divya nodded and straightened. She knew what Deepak was feeling or she thought she knew what he was feeling. Nisha was easily a cherished friend and she was going away forever. She was content sitting by the fire, her face glowing with happiness. Deepak had spent the entire day with her and that was all she had wanted. She was predisposed to happiness at the moment. And besides, the stories were very interesting.

"Hi..." he said softly and she turned, her face bathed in the moonlight.
"Hi." she replied and looked away at the vast emptiness. It was amazing standing there, just by herself.
"What are you thinking?" he asked. Shrugging she threw away the cigarette.
"Nothing really. Was enjoying the void."
"Ah..."
"What?" she turned to look at the smile mocking her. He shrugged and took out a cigarette and lighted it.
"Nothing. Nice statement...that's all!" There was that characteristic satire in his voice which she knew of.
"Well I really wasn't thinking anything!"
"Right..."
"Deepak!"
"Nisha!!!"
She looked away then and felt his eyes on her face, trying to read beneath the layers of her thoughts.
"It was a nice trip."
"Yes it was."
"Deepak...sometimes I wonder..." she did not finish the statement as her heart hastened to remind her that it was too late. Way too late for her to even start wondering. She had done enough of wondering, analysing and reanalyzing. No good had it done and no good would it do any further!
"What do you wonder Nisha?" he asked and she shook her head.
"It's not important."
"And why would you decide that?" his voice was impatient and iced with just a hint of anger. She looked into his eyes then and instantly he knew and she knew he knew!
"Nisha...say it!"
"Why should I say it? Would it change anything? Would it make any difference?"
"Yes it would. It would mean a lot to me." Deepak said and she knew he meant it.
"I never stopped Nisha. For there was nothing left to stop. Long before you said whatever you said...I had crossed that point of no return!"
"Deepak..."
"Say it once. I promise I would..."
"How's Divya?" she cut him mid sentence and his face changed. Face contorting he took a long drag from his cigarette.
"Do you like her?" he asked and she nodded.
"She is very pretty."
Nodding he puffed away on his cigarette.
"You love her Deepak. It's all there. We were always just good friends and we shall always be."
"What if it had been different?"
He was in pain and she could feel it in her heart. He did like Divya...almost loved her. But he searched for more...searched for someone else. She had long made her decision. There were things one had no control on and at this moment she felt helpless, bound by her own priorities.
"I will miss you!" she said and he nodded. Tears filled her eyes then and he walked closer.
"Will miss you too."
He hugged her then and she let the tears fall. Holding on to him she felt him kiss her gently on her neck and she did not resist. He was holding on to her and she knew she had hurt him, yet again. But it was for the best!

"Hey Nisha...how do you plan that we say good bye to you if you are not here?" Priyank shouted from the group and she turned to look at the people gathered around fire. For her. They walked back to the crowd and she gave them a watery smile.
"Don't cry yet..." Priyank joked and she held Deepak's hand tighter as tears started to fall without any prelude.
"Thanks guys. I would miss all of you..."
"Hey...Its only three years. We shall all be together once again!" Priyank said and they all were standing. Her eyes went from one face to another and she smiled. Letting go of Deepak's hand she went on to hug them one by one. That was the moment...

Deepak's hand was still arched, feeling the warmth of the fingers that had been there for a while. And then someone else was holding his hand and he turned to realize Divya, standing close to him. He clutched her tightly and then let it go. He turned and walked towards the room. There was nothing left now.

Nisha saw him walking away and closed her eyes. It was better this way...A dream is beautiful as long as it is a dream.

Divya looked at Deepak walking away and felt the pain start knocking at her heart strings again. She had wanted to tell Deepak and then he had told her about this trip. Tomorrow they would go back and...she shuddered at the thought. It would break him completely!
"I have decided Divya...and not one word from you...you are leaving that job. Its only a stupid call center. Your Australian Visa has arrived and you would go and pursue your studies. That's final. You crib or cry...your call!" her dad's voice sounded in her ears and she knew she would go. Yes she loved Deepak but she also knew her father! He would never understand and besides...Deepak had been the sweetest dream of her life. The fact remained that when the night ended people said Good bye. And these ten months in the call center had come to an end. It was time for to say Good bye.

The Sun Shines Supreme

The worst part about sleeping under a starlit sky is you wake up to a a glaring sun! Deepak winced in his sleep and fumbled for a little cover to shade his eyes. Yet it was futile attempt. A shawl was no match to the morning sun. Moving restlessly on the quilt he finally gave up. A volley of colors greeted his eyes. A sight worthy of angels! The blue sky patched with white streaks, brown peaks smiling back at you, flowers swaying to the morning breeze! Yet it was all lost to the eyes that seeked a dark shelter, a warmer bed and loads of sleep. Looking at his watch he grimaced and shook his head. The shawl was discarded without a second thought as he stood up and walked back to his room. It was barely six thirty!

The room was still comfortably dark and his eyes took a little time to adjust to the shadows. They saw her then, sleeping all curled in one corner of the bed, arms flung over her head. Memories tried to come back but were soon shut out. Sitting beside Divya he gently removed the strands of hair that lay on her cheeks. She fidgeted in her sleep and opened the dreamy eyes. Her lips parted and before sound took shape of words he kissed her. There was nothing worth talking about. It was better this way and she too accepted. Talking was not important. The moment had passed and it was a new day...

Nisha turned restlessly on her bed. The sun rays had somehow managed to find space enough from the edges of the curtain and now danced to their own tune right on her face. Turning her face away she looked at the door, unlatched yet closed. She weirdly remembered the dream, and was acutely aware of the thoughts that danced in her head. It would not do, she told herself and sat up on the bed. Moments that pass never come back. Memories flooded her then. Memories of the days gone by. Of the nights like the last one when they all had sat together, when he had let his head rest on her lap carelessly. Vivid memories now haunted her mornings of the nights they had just sat together, talking endlessly about life and its nuiances, about love and its pain and about nothing at all. The comfortable silence of his company now pierced through the silence of her loneliness. It was all gone now and would not come back. She still remembered that kiss...a moment of passion that had killed it all. How could she back off then and now wish for it?
"We are friends Deepak. And that's all we shall ever be!" her voice mocked her and she walked towards the open window. She could see the shawl lying on the quilt but he was missing. Refusing to think where he must be she picked up her cigarette case and lighted one. Her eyes drifted towards the barren brown peaks smiling back at her. There was an unearthly beauty about them. The pain of lost love! Sitting on the edge of the window her eyes took in the canvass of her life stretched in front of her. Like her life, the peaks had seen better days, and now they both stared at greener pastures, pastures filled with promise. Like the peaks that now waited in shadows, she too waited for the sun to turn around and look at her once again, wished for the warmth of the bright sun when all she now had was the comfort of a cold moonlit night. How she had walked towards that night, almost as if searching for the same and how now she hoped she had basked in the sun while she had a chance to. Sitting on the chair she let her head fall back, not fighting the misery anymore. He was gone, for good or worse she would never know...but he was gone forever! And for some reason the dream became a regret before she even dreamt it.

(Concluding part on Tuesday, the 20th!)

Valentine Blues!

Whoever thought Love was easy! You have it...Problem! You don't have it...Bigger Problem. With the advent of the month of February, something changes. All of a sudden flowers blossom, there is a general happiness about the air altogether and most importantly you see one too many hearts dangling off every possible hook! As they say...Love is in the Air! God honestly sometime they make it sound like a disease! Some kind of a microbe all ready to clutch you, hold your heart on ransom and give you pain to last for a lifetime! And strangely if you are seen lurking around any of these cool places without a proper partner, people look at you as if you are a busted heart shaped balloon with no takers! Thanks for that help nahin!

I am sounding like a totally disoriented female right now and its anybody's guess that yes there is a bit of bitterness in the heart. A small pang of jealousy does seem to surface whenever I see those lovely mushy coochie coo moments! Yet strangely there is a certain warmth. A warmth that I can feel in my heart, yet sadly lacking in the eyes of the love birds hidden behind a dozen and a half beautiful roses!

I woke up to a mystical morning. Sounds of rain mingled with chants of Om Jai Jagdish Hare reached my ears. Everything was just perfect, my first cup of morning tea, the cool breeze and my warm bed! What else could I ask for? A warm shower, warmer smile of two most adorable kids in the world and it was already a promisisng day! Add to that a drive through the rain, a steaming mug of coffee and good friends! What was missing in my life? Nothing...till I saw a red balloon...and then a second one, a third and fourth and...well you guessed it. I stopped counting! A strange thought nagged me yet again...For one day...why do people realize they love someone?

Now I am back on my bed. Its warm and comfortable. I am listening good music, can hear clouds rumbling up high in the sky, can feel the wind glide through the open window and envelope me. There is that comfort in the heart that everyone I truly love is sleeping peacefully in his/her respective bed, that he/she is warm and safe. My heart has known love and the pain. Perhaps I still don't have a VALENTINE...yet...Life is beautiful. Maybe next year I would have a valentine...maybe not...yet...I know I would never hope for one Valentine day...for it's all there really!

To all of you...A Very Happy Valentine's Day. And I would be posting the story in a couple of days...and oh yes...I could not resist giving a glimpse of my mornin world to all...A view from my balcony!

A moment too many

Divya turned helplessly on the bed, feeling misery wash over her soul. There were things on her mind and more than that she had dreams in the sleepless eyes. Many times she had walked over to the window, frowning at the lonely figure sitting on the quilts that had been placed around the fire for their group. The fire had long died yet he stayed where he was, his figure highlighted by the pale moonlight. And everytime she looked at the empty bed her heart twisted within her. How she had dreamt of this night, the night they would be together, cherishing each other's company. Her eyes sought the shadows that had started to form shapes now. A glimmer of moonlight escaped the curtains and danced on the empty bed, reminding her of all the dreams she had brewed. Her eyes filled with tears and she hid her face in the pillow...it would not do! Somehow he would never understand! What was she to say to him? How was she to make him understand that she needed him, wanted him to be with her...just her! How she ached to have his arms about her only her heart knew. How she dreamt of a kiss! How she felt her skin tingle and how she wished him to look at her the way she had looked at him! Yet he would never do that! But that was not what was troubling her. It was the cold good night he had uttered! Without really saying anything they had had a fight...again. She knew he thought he was right but she wanted to tell him that even she was right! She had wanted to sit with him under the moon and talk. But she knew he would never understand!!!!

Deepak felt the wind gently whisper a gentle lullaby in his ears as he stretched on the quilt. It was a beautiful night really! The moon now high up in the sky glowed in all it's glory of lost love. He was not drunk...infact he was far from it. His eyelashes attempted to pull the curtain yet eyes wished to stare into the night. It was somehow comforting to do nothing, hear nothing and feel nothing.
"You haven't slept as yet?" the voice came from behind and he turned his head slightly before smiling.
"Apparently I haven't!"
Nisha nodded and sat on the mattress opposite to him, extracting the pack of cigarettes she offered one to him and lighted one for herself.
"I thought you had slept!" Deepak said and Nisha shook her head.
"I wasn't sleepy when I left. Just..."
"Just?"
"Leave it. It's not important. But what are you doing sitting here?"
"Trying to count the stars."
Her eyes sparkled under the moonlight as she looked at the sky.
"So how many so far?'
"Two..." he shrugged and looked back at the sky, noticing how the smoke twisted and curled in the still air before the night enveloped it.
"Nisha...could I ask you a question?'
"Sure." she said and looked at him as his face turned back to look into her eyes.
"What is it with..." he stopped and looked back towards the emptiness stretched out in front of his eyes.
"Why is a full moon romantic? What makes it so?"
Nisha knew that was not what he had wished to ask but she did not feel like probing. That was not what he wanted right now. She did not make any attempt to answer either for it had not been a question...just a thought. A passing moment of confusion that clouded his eyes.
"It's nothing but a small spec of light on a black canvas! A circle! A pale orb hanging from the sky, looking down at us! What is it about the full moon and..."
"Women?" she finally completed his sentence and he looked at her.
"Had a fight. did you?" she asked and he sighed.
"Not really no."
She offered no response and none was needed. The silence was comfortable.
"I bet she ain't sleeping either." She said after a couple of minutes and he looked at her.
"She would...eventually!"
"That is being heartless now."
"I don't care what it is." Deepak muttered and threw away the cigarette. The silence stretched between them for how long Nisha would never know. It was just alright to sit beside him. She knew instintively her presence was felt.
"I guess I would sleep now." Nisha said and stood up. Deepak made no attempt to move. His eyes closed he looked every bit adorable. Instinctively she pulled off her shawl and covered him. He opened his eyes once, looked at her face bent over him and then closed his eyes again.
"Good night Deepak." Nisha whispered and a steady breath told her he was asleep. Smiling she went back to her room. This moment she knew she would cherish forever!

To be contd.

Good Night!

It was a scene right out of a romantic novel. There was everything that made the moment magical. A full moon, the wide expanse of a valley stretched in front, the faint fragnance of flowers in the mildly cold breeze that ruffled your senses as you sat witnessing nature at its best. Yet there was nothing romantic about the company! Divya looked around at the people huddled around the bon fire, all singing in the silent night with voice that could make the frogs shout out in protest. She smiled as her eyes found him, raising his glass in salute to something she was not aware of. Sighing she hoped he would look at her, notice how she had excused herself from the company of friends and wandered away to a solitary place. How she wished he would understand the subtle gestures she had dropped! Yet she knew him to ignore them. How she ached only she knew. He would know what she felt at the moment, would understand her whims yet ignore them like someone would ignore the whims of a child! Staring back at the valley she tried to ignore it. The moment would go waste, and she would waste away the moment waiting for someone she knew would not come!

"Hamein tumse Pyaar Kitna...." Priyank croaked and the furore started! Half dazed by the liquor everyone joined in. There was just something about the night that was magical! Flames blazing in the center, people cuddled up close, old hindi melodies resonating in the wind...Deepak looked over towards the edge. She was not a party to the celebrations. Gulping down the remnants of his glass he so wished she would hold this moment and make it memorable! Yet she always felt loneliness was romantic! How he wished she would realize that they would have lonely moments together...yet this moment, a moment of shear happiness, of nostalgia and most importantly a moment of togetherness was rare. They would not be able to be kids again, would not be able to enjoy youth the way they could at this very moment! How he knew of her signs he pointedly ignored! How he wondered if she could understand happiness the way he felt it!

The clouds danced on the indigo sky, romancing the moon. A moment the valley would drift into darkness and the flames burn up the night, for a moment the tempos would rise with those flames and then simmer down like a flickering candle. Laughter and friendship...

People started to drift to their rooms. Until the moment it was only Deepak and Divya, sitting as far as possible. She turned and saw him then, staring thoughtfully into the fire that had started to die.
"Everyone left?" she asked and he nodded, not looking at her. He knew she had walked nearer to him, was aware of her standing just behind him. Yet the moment had passed!
"Well I guess I would call it a night!"
"Yeah..."
"Uh...Good night then!" she said and he looked at her.
"Good night!"

To be contd.

How many times have I wondered what love is! How many times have I found out! And how many times have I proven myself wrong?

A couple of days ago a friend of mine decided to enlighten me about the small facts of love! A whole lot of giving and caring and sharing! To be honest I was...well bored! And yes a bit angered by the usage of words trying to define a sublime feeling! And when I went on to say that love I have known...love I feel and that purest form of love is what I feel for my nephew she went on to correct me that it will not stand the test of time! That as and when I have "the" man in my life I shall change. I would want to do things for him! That I would forget about my nephew and though I would not love him any less my priorities would change!

I don't blame her and am not angry from her! She hardly knows me! An aquaintance of a month is no master of my feelings! And apparently with time I would change! When that man finally drops from the heavens I would know...I apologise...Sarcasm does not help here! It is a delicate matter and requires some serious thinking and milder tone!

To all the people who are reading this post I wish to ask, Can you define one moment when death stared you in the eye and you smiled and laughed? I can! Though it is a very personal moment I wish to share it with people today.

2nd September 2002, 6:30 am, on my way to the hospital where my dad was admitted.

A cloudy morning, just pale glimmer of sunlight over the horizon and a thought flashed across my mind. A thought I was scared the instant it happened. Looking at the purple sky I had whispered..."Today We shall take you home Papa!" and that instant I knew. I tried to disregard the thought and when we reached the hospital the worst was waiting for us! I don't have the courage to relive the moment again. And I don't wish to do that. But I wish to share what I did that day! I lost my father. The man who was more to me than any other man had ever been! The man who had woken me up every morning, who had taught me how to walk, how to behave, how to pray! The man who had waited in front of the examination halls to greet me with a smile, the man who rang the doorbell every evening at 6 and the man who would go to the hell to get a smile on my face! I lost him...forever! We took him back that day...gagged and bound in bandages! Even his face was covered in white muslin! And his lifeless body was placed on the floor as people gathered around him. My nephew was barely 2 years old and he doted on my dad. Sleeping peacefully in his room he was not aware of the tragedy. And he was not to know!

How could you make a two year old go through that! I went to his room then. I had to make sure he never left the room! And I laughed with him, smiled at his jokes. All the while when my dad stayed in his house, while his body still rested on the ground awaiting the last journey I stayed locked in that room making sure not a single tear escaped the eyes! I did it because I loved him...I love him!

My father left us never to come back! I realized how life was the biggest irony of death! And I realized love can not be defined! I love my father. I hate it when people sometimes correct me and say loved your father! I still love him. Then why did I not sit by his body for as long as I could? Did I love my nephew more? How could anybody who had been in your life for 2 years replace someone who had been for 20?
I did it because I knew I could not bring my father back! I knew I had responsibilities now! I knew I had to save the innocence from getting lost in tears!

The point of this tale. Love is not a limited quantity! We can love so many people! I love so many of them! But for me my neohew is not only my love...he is that love that showed me what life is all about! Just a hug from him can light up the darkest days! His smile can make me forget any pain or misery! He is that part of my soul who made me smile even when I was shattered!

In time things might change. I might become selfish! (More than I am right now!). But I would always remember...For Kishu I would laugh even if death was here to take me...just so that tears never touch his eyes! That is love to me...I only wish to say that those who know love please don't try to dictate that on others and presume that it is the only sort of love! Life is too precious to be limited by one sort of Love. And Love is too precious for only one Life!