The two seconds

It's that time of the year again when for some unknown reason we feel a smile hovering over our lips. The year draws to a close and we get ready, few to party, few to study and so on. Yet everyone can feel a strange happiness seep into your body. Try as hard as you can, you feel this invigorating spasms off and on!

Perhaps I am talking about my personal self! Perhaps few of you relate to this and few dont. Yet I recalled the New Year's Eve in Daksh eServices. The holiday season in America and for call centre employees...the rush time. Especially the process I was working for...phew...the call volume was insane. You would end a call and grasp for a breath and the damn avaya would ring again...And then after extended shift when you stepped out into the dark night you felt fog enveloping you in its midst. With shiver running through your spine you could almost feel....ALIVE.

I remember clearly that new year's eve...i was one of the unlucky one's who was working. Well....My shift started at 11:00 p.m...the constant chatter was on, the moment I logged in...I knew...I would be fighting for a minute's breath. Nonethless the calls started pouring. THe workstation was abuzz, the bays jingling away in a variety of accents. Few were standing, few sitting on the carpeted floor. I could see many jumping up with excitement. As we kept chattering we saw our team leaders busy in their own worry. Then I saw my team leader going from one team member to another...he was there on my workstation. On the notepad he simply scribbled...
Put him on hold for 2 minutes on 11:59
And then it was that time, the workfloor was on hold for 2 minutes....those who had no calls were on AUX, and those who were entertaining a call politely on some pretext put the customers on hold. And there it was...the countdown, the synchronized chant which happens when people just murmur the counting...the excitement was building and then the workfloor was screaming...It was a New Year....We shouted, wished one and all a Happy New Year and it was time to get back to work. Within seconds the chatter was back to that constant glub of nothingness, a bunch of whispers. People who had shouted a minute ago were now lazing back on their chairs while trying to explain a plan to a customer.

I don't know how i felt at that particular moment....I dont remember how I cursed Daksh for making me work on New Year's Eve...all I remember is that one moment when we were all a big family, from various parts of the country...we were not hindu or muslim or christian....we were just one...enjoying the end of an year and beginning of another...I just remember that one moment that brought a wide smile on my face....

the two seconds....

The Night Out

Through this blog, I had endeavoured to bring call centres back to life. Since its inception I had been wanting to write something about them that required a lot of courage. What is amazing about this place is the people who walk there. These people, of various shapes and sizes are just perfectly amiable, well mannered and most importantly, totally independent! And what's best...SEX is not a taboo! People do it and some dont. Yet every one talks about it. With a smile yes but never with a smirk. The darkest and truest side of call centres...

“Have had enough.” She said, her voice slurred as she put the glass back on the table.
“Of what?” He asked and she looked at him. If only she could somehow wipe the silly smile off his face. The whole night he had done nothing but flirt with her friend. Looking at Meenakshi, all huddled on one side of the bed, Megha raised her eyebrows several notches.
“What do you think Sam?”
He shrugged his shoulders and looked at the people who had dozed off at various places. Nikhilesh was snoring blissfully, slumped in an awkward position on the sofa. So were Sumit and Priyank. The worst or perhaps the best off was Meenakshi, sleeping peacefully in the blanket on one corner of the bed.
“I don’t know. Shed some light…Won’t you?”
“All right. Enough of drinks…In case you want to continue then you do that alone!”
He chukled and sipped on his rum. He looked at the girl with admiration. It had been a good night out…and she was one person who had managed to stay sane while everyone else had gotten drunk and dozed off for the rest of the night. She was dressed in a simple track pant and a black spaghetti. A thin shawl acted as the only deterrent. Now that Meenakshi was asleep he looked at Megha with fresh vigor. Meenakshi was without a doubt a pretty female. With long straight hair and a mole on the chin, she was just perfect for flirting. Yet Megha was different. Her hair were straight and tied in a casual bun. A few strands escaped to fall on her face now glowing under the bulb. From behind her glasses, big kohl lined eyes looked at you as if reading whatever was going on in your brain.
“Then what do you wish to do Megha?” he asked and she looked at him. God he was good looking, she thought. She wanted so badly to kiss him, hold his hand and…she checked her thoughts and stood up on the bed.
“I am going to the other room to sleep.”
He merely smiled and gestured for her to leave. That was right, Megha thought. It was the only way it ought to be. Yet she so wanted to do the wrong thing. Not every night is a night like this one. She could feel his eyes on her as she left and was suddenly aware of the tension between them. They were surrounded by acquaintances, colleagues at that! Yet they were the only ones who were awake still. And with every passing moment they had been aware of the imbalance surrounding them. The dark night had acted as a catalyst to her thoughts and she could feel a strange numbing sensation in her finger tips as her hands turned ice cold. His head brushed against her legs as she passed him to leave the room and all warmth seemed to leave her body and converge towards the pit of her stomach. A wild thought kept nagging her to turn around and look at him, just one invitation…yet sanity prevailed, much to her dismay and she walked to the other room in their apartment. Her room which she kept immaculately clean. She liked it like that. After leaving her house and deciding to move to the crazy world of call centers and night outs, she had felt an urge to keep a clean room. How, she remembered, her mother used to fuss about the perpetual state of chaos in her room!
She could have latched her door yet she did not. Getting under her own cosy blanket she felt the warmth spreading like sweet chocolate in her veins. She should have flirted with him, she thought crossly and turned on one side. It was no use, she thought and knew that she as waiting for him to come knocking. When her eyelashes finally draped over her eyes she was still contemplating whether she would let him kiss her or not!
It started like a beautiful dream. She could feel his rough hands caress her bare arms and gently move towards her shoulder. And then she heard him call out her name, in a voice that terrified her out of her reverie. It was no dream, she realized as his mouth came down on hers without a warning. Rude shocks of pleasure coursed through her body as warmth started to converge again. This was an experience she was not new to. Yet in the past it was a different thing. She had known Ravi for four months before he had kissed her. And she had known Sam for two weeks! Yet it was a moment she had been secretly hoping for. His kiss deepened and she heard herself moan. And then the alcohol seemed to loose its hold.
“Oh no!” she gasped for air and shook her head violently!
“No Sam…its not right!”
His handsome features showed confusion as he backed away a bit.
“Megha…”
The voice scared her. Never had Ravi’s voice been so thick with need! And it was a delicious thought.
He seemed to control himself finally. Perhaps it was the fear in her eyes, she thought. Her mind raced to put her heart beat at peace yet she knew that it was a fight she wanted to loose. Mind and heart had lost control. Her body had reacted to a pure carnal desire!
She felt him lie down besides her, her back resting against his chest as hands came to hug her from behind.
“Megha are you sure?” he asked, his voice a mere whisper close to her ear. She wasn’t sure anymore of even her next breath. She felt his fingers on her bare back as his lips gently brushed her ear lobes. He was a colleague! She thought and hastened to remind herself that he was more than a colleague! He was her Team Lead…
All logic and morality bade her to say no. It was the only right thing to do. It was all alcohol; she thought and realized that was not true! She was not drunk and she knew neither was he. All she had to do was form the words. Yet it was not easy. Her body loved it immensely. Her skin was savouring his touch as her mind raced to tell her that it was calling trouble at your door step. He kissed her bare back and she closed her eyes, ready to surrender.
“Megha…if you say once I swear I would leave.” His voice was controlled. Rage seemed to boil within her. What was she supposed to say? How was she supposed to answer this question? Why did men ask??? She thought crossly as she turned to look into his eyes in the darkened room.
“One word Megha…” he said and Megha felt her heart jump to her throat. Say No…her mind raced and her body ached and begged her to say yes. Looking into his eyes she said….

I apologise for not telling you what she said! This is to all the flames that have lighted and would continue to light the nights! And also to those who fizzled away without burning and still come back to haunt ;)

Wind Came Knocking on my door....

The sound woke me up. It was a strange sound…maybe it was the door that rattled a bit…or perhaps a lazy swoosh of the curtains that had disturbed my sleep. I lay awake in my bed, still dazed by the sleep, wanting badly to sleep on. The warm blanket was coaxing my eyelids to drape over my eyes again, cooing a comforting lullaby. Yet the sound was there again, a strange whisper of movement. Sighing I sat up, wasting some time to search for my slippers. The chill in the room forced me to grope for the shawl lying by me bedside. Finally I, frowning and grumpy, left my bed. It was a shame to do so at this early hour. Yet the sound was nagging me. It was not unpleasant…just a constant th th that made you feel like shutting it.

The door grumbled again and I hastened towards it. An instinct made me stop, wait for that noise again, wishing it to be a dream. Yet it was there and I took a deep breath. Exhaling slowly I opened the door.

For a second I could not breathe as cold air enveloped me like a cocoon, making me shudder. Forcing my eyes to open I saw her, suspended in the air. A woman so sublime you would miss if you blinked. Floating in front of me she seemed to giggle, blink her eyelashes and vanish. I wasn’t cold anymore. It was all there…wide expanse of absolutely nothing stretched against the inky sky that seemed to turn gold as sun pierced its midst…

I turned and looked at my room that lay in semi darkness, could make out the outline of the bed I have slept on for years now, the counter was decked with books and I could make out the old withered blanket that had warmed me these many winters. The walls were perhaps not the same, neither was the surrounding familiar to the eyes. Yet the feeling was familiar. The wind swooshed down low to my ears and whispered as temple bells started to chime at a distance…

You are home…it said and glided away. I smiled and closed my eyes. Yes…I was home!!!

I have recently shifted my house and needless to say Iw as very very upset. Yet after a week it seems...ok I guess. Am still getting used to staying on the 8th floor...yet it feel allright!

I also apologise as i am not a photographer and neither do I have a god camera...this is a pic of the sunset clicked from my humble phone!!!...i guess it gives you as idea...

The Trainer...Either...Or

While writing the end i was faced with a dilemma...could not decide on the best end...so I leave it to you...Either...Or...

Shweta looked around the rush and felt the constant chatter fill her mind. There was apparently no place she could simply sit and work. She sipped on her coffee and stared warily at the screen of her laptop. As if her misery was not enough her phone was ringing in all its glory all of a sudden and she frowned. Disconnecting the line she picked her pack and extracted a cigarette only to realize that her matchbox had no matches left. Cursing slightly she started to rummage through her purse, hoping against hope to find a spare match box. But then this was an old old bag she had decided to change into. And within seconds she realized she was lucky. In the last pocket, kept in a thin polybag was a matchbox. Taking it out she wondered why it was kept like that and then she remembered. 5 long years...she mused as her fingers glided over the matchbox, remembering the cold night he had given it to her. There had been nothing yet thinking about the man a smile hovered over her lips. She wondered if she would be able to recognize him if he was to come in front of her all of a sudden.

Either

Fate they say has the weirdest sense of timing. One could probably never understand the cosmic forces that bring two strangers face to face. Just the thought was not enough that the man simply walked up the stairs towards where she was sitting. She could not have mistaken him in a million years. 5 years hadn't touched him at all. Still the same strong cheekbone that spoke volumes about the determination, the light gait and most importantly the eyebrows. Thick dark eyebrows...he had been talking on the phone and seemed oblivious of her presence and then he saw her, sitting on the corner, a cigarette poised in her fingers.
"Is that really you?" he asked and Shweta looked around, unsure he had spoken to her. Yet it was more than evident that she was the one who had been addressed.
"Sanjay...hi."
"Shweta...right?" he smiled and she instinctively clutched the matchbox tighter in her palm as she hastily forwarded her other hand for a hand shake.
"What are you doing here?" she asked and he shrugged.
"Just had a couple of hours to myself so decided to grab coffee. And what are you doing here?"
"Oh...just finishing some work...join me?" she asked and he smiled the same wide smile that seemed to reach his dark eyes.
"Sure."
Shweta looked at him from the corner of her eye. He had not changed much. Casually dressed in faded denims and a dark grey t-shirt he could still make her heart flip over to her throat. He seemed completely excited to meet her and she could not imagine the reason. Back then he had shown no emotion. She still remembered how once she had chanced to meet him on the door six months later. He had smiled, inquired after the job, nodded and left. How she had hoped to confess how she felt for him just once before she left yet she had never gotten a chance again. And now after 5 years they were sitting in front of each other outside a coffee shop, he completely at ease with her.
"So...what have you been up to?" he asked and Shweta licked her lips that had dried like her mouth.
"Nothing much. Just working...moved out of call centers long time ago..."
"I know. It has been so long now...I just can't tell you what a pleasant surprise it is."
Shweta could not believe how strongly she had felt for this guy.
"Why are u not lighting it...let me guess...out of lights again?" he asked and with a flourish his lighter was out. Shweta bent forward to light her cigarette choking on the smoke as he continued..."Remember the first time we met...you were out of lights even back then."
Shweta was completely wary by now. He remembered not only her name but their first meeting. Inhaling on the comforting smoke she looked at him. He was ordering for coffee and inquired if she would like another cup. Her coffee had long been cold now. Nodding she looked away.
Presently the cups were placed in front of them and Shweta stared at him, easily stirring the coffee.
“You seem a bit lost,” he asked and she caught herself looking at the cup.
“I don’t know. I mean…you seem so…”
He smiled, his eyes lighting with the gleam she had often seen.
“Different?”
“Well…yes. I mean…I always thought you never even noticed anyone.”
He was smiling like he had never done before, an easy friendly smile.
“Well…I did notice everything. And besides you are a kind of person one can’t help but notice.”
“Whoa…that’s some statement!” Shweta said, relaxing in his company for the first time. This was perhaps the side she had never seen. And she liked it by the minute.
“Well…I have to say…you were definitely loud back then…” his hands moved up in complete surrender as face lighted with a mischievous smile.
“I meant that in a good way,” he added as she gaped.
“Really?”
“Yes…you were easily one of the best trainees I have ever trained. It was fun training you…” the mischief had long been replaced by a sweet smile that was discomforting her.
That was a long time ago; she told herself and sipped on her coffee.
Sanjay stared at her and recalled the vulnerability. A young girl had now been replaced by a woman and some woman she was. How he had often looked at her while she fought with a certain complexity, how she would never give up on anything. Now she was not a colleague, the voice was distinctly his own and he looked at her, sipping peacefully at her coffee. Shaking his head he knew it was too late. Extracting a cigarette he placed it thoughtfully between his lips, his hands searching for the lighter. And luck failed him. The lighter would not work. Sighing he looked around, hoping to find someone who would have a light on him.
“Here…” the matchstick was cupped firmly by beautiful long fingers.
“You had a light?” he asked…taking his first drag and looking at the smile that lighted her features.
“Well…yes. Infact it is yours…”
“Mine?” he asked and she nodded.
“Yup…on the graduation day…remember?’
He remembered clearly. That night he had had a hard time forgetting, for no obvious reasons.
“Here…have a look,” she said and passed on the matchbox.
Sanjay twisted the box and the quote made him smile…
Printed in small red italics were the words…
‘Whatever goes around comes around’
“You know...back in those days I had this huge crush on you…” she was speaking and Sanjay stared on. That was so signature Shweta…right on your face!
Shweta looked at his smile and wondered how strange this meeting was. A certain part of her heart was really happy to meet him yet there was a strange sadness. She did not have any feelings for him now…yet it had been a crush for too long and that was perhaps the cause of the slight uneasiness that had settled in the pit of her stomach.
Sanjay stared hard, trying to understand the thoughts that were playing hide and seek in her eyes. Yet he had no luck. He had always known she had a thing for him…yet to hear the words was a completely different experience. But back then it was not right…and now…
“There you are!” the voice came from behind and Shweta looked at the woman carrying at least five bags in her hands. She was dressed casually in a black long skirt and a peach top that hid nothing of her fine figure. Her hair were neatly tied in a high pony tail and she was certainly addressing Sanjay.
“Hi honey. Guess who I met…” Sanjay was hugging her now and pulling her a chair. She smiled at Shweta.
“Shweta…she was my best trainee in ***. And Shweta meet Nimisha…my fiancée.”
Shweta felt her cheeks burn with embarrassment. Why had she told him about her crush? Why now?
“Glad to meet you…” Shweta smiled and kept her coffee aside.
“Well…I better make a move. It was lovely meeting you after such a long time.” Shweta said and stood up.
“Ugh…yeah sure. Do keep in touch…” he said and Shweta smiled.
“Sure…anyhow…congrats to both of you…I am really late.”
Her fingers shook as she picked up her bag and started to move. She felt nothing for him yet it had hurt her…
“Shweta…” he called her name and she turned.
“You forgot this…”
Sanjay was holding the matchbox in his hand and Shweta smiled…”Not again Sanjay.” She said and hastily turned to walk away from him, conscious of the tears that had started to glide down her face now.

Sanjay looked at Nimisha; her eyes alight with the knowledge of what had just happened.
“Shweta…the woman you had a crush on once…right?” she asked and Sanjay looked at the woman in front.
“History Nimisha…Coffee?”
His hands closed around the matchbox. He won’t let go of it…never!


Or

Shweta lighted her cigarette, remembering those cold nights she had stood outside her office, wishing with all her heart to have just enough courage to go and speak with him. Yet at that time he had been so aloof…there was just not enough reason to do that. And besides she had been barely twenty at that time. Now she was wiser and smarter, had a wonderful career stretched out in front of her? Yet…for some reason whenever she went to train a new batch she thought about him…her reason that had motivated her to be a trainer. Sighing she locked on to the internet and searched again…wishing to find some link…some news about that elusive gentleman. Yet they were lost forever now. She had changed her job and finally gotten the opportunity to become a trainer yet it had taken her away from the city for a complete three years. When she did come back…she had no hope of finding him. She still remembered distinctly the way he smiled. Smiling at herself she wrapped her work. She was getting late for a meeting. Her new boss was joining the office today and she was looking forward to meet him. Had not managed to hear much about him except for the fact that he had been in the industry for quite some time now and was an excellent person. She stood up and looked at the matchbox lying on the table top, a contrasting yellow against the dark brown. The red fonts were still visible…reading them again she shook her head and walked away leaving the matchbox. It was time for her to move on…

The man removed his sunglasses and walked towards the empty table. Settling in the chair he extracted a cigarette from his pack and his eyes found the matchbox. It was a box he had not seen for a long time now. An old packing of a famous brand…his long fingers reached out and picked it up, staring at the red fonts gleaming against the yellow backdrop. He remembered keeping a similar matchbox on him most of the times, especially for the quote printed on its back. And one fine night he had passed it over to a very special person. A general gleam lighted the dark eyes as his mind raced back to the girl he had had a hard time forgetting. He still remembered the way she simply understood everything, her mannerisms, the sweet smile and most importantly the complete rebellious attitude when she lighted her cigarette. For some reason he always felt that she had feelings. And there were nights when he had looked at her and wondered he would not have minded reciprocating them. Yet it was not the right thing to do. She was a trainee…a colleague and it was just not right. Besides office relationships were often disastrous. Looking at his watch he decided he should make a move…It did not set a right example if you reach late on your first day of a new job. He looked at the matchbox and without knowing exactly why he grabbed it. For old times sake he thought and moved on holding the matchbox in his hand.
They stared at each other, both lost in a strange battle. How were they supposed to meet each other? They were working again in the same organization…he was her senior she was a colleague.
He hasn’t changed a bit…
God she is still as pretty as ever…
“You still smoke?” he asked and she smiled as they walked up to the roof. The weather was pleasant for this time of the year.
“I can’t tell you what a pleasant surprise it is to see you as a trainer!” he started as he offered a cigarette to her. Accepting she smiled…
“I had very strong motivations!”
She stared as he extracted a yellow matchbox from his pocket and lighted a match, holding it cupped in his hands. Without knowing why her eyes searched and found the red letters printed on the back. As her eyes scanned them again, a smile lighted her face and she lit the cigarette.
It was getting easier and easier to talk with him. The sun was setting beyond the horizon now and it was a signal that their work was about to begin.
“Shall we make a move?” she asked and he nodded. Smiling she walked towards the door. He stood there, musing over his luck. He knew not why he felt so happy at seeing her again…his eyes read the quote again and he smiled…
What goes around comes around
“Sanjay…you coming?” she asked and he looked at her, standing by the door. Damn he thought…she was a colleague.

THE END...........

The Trainer...contd.

There are a few days in every woman's life when she feels perpetual happiness. The days when she believes herself to be in love! Shweta, was certain she could never think of any other man. And there was just something about this man that kept her wondering. Quickly her life had fallen into the routine. Her cab reached a good ten mintes before his' arrived. She would rush to the coffee vending machine, grab her cup and rush out again just to catch a glimpse of him as he descended from his cab. He always smiled but never really stayed on to chat. The customary smile, the informal nod and the small talk before he moved away. Shweta could not find any fault in him. As a trainer he was just perfect. She heard with complete attention as he explained the technicalities. She always believed herself to be bad with computers yet with him around she was learning quickly. There were those days however when he was a bit too near for comfort, explaining the step ahead on her workstation. She had noticed everything about him. The way he seldom smiled during class, the uncanny sparkle in his eyes whenever he laughed. The way he stood, completely at ease with himself, his steady walk, the thick baritone voice cultured to perfection and not to mention heady whiff of soap.
Soon Shweta felt the uneasiness settle in the pit of her stomach. She had never realized when the thirty day training period had dwindled away and she was all set to hit the floor as they called it. She knew she had done well...there was not one person who had matched up to her knowledge of the process yet she was unsure of the next day. The party had been everything she had not expected...a whole lot of fun. They had danced till their heels hurt, had toasted to every single state in US of A...yet somehow as she moved out into the still cold night she felt completely drained. She felt anger surge through her as she realized she was out of matches.
"Here...let me help you," the voice was close by and Shweta had no need to look. She bent and felt his thumb gently brush against her cheeks, took a long puff and moved away, looking towards him light his own cigarette.
"Congrats..." he said and she smiled.
"Well. Thanks...I just doubt whether i really deserve it!"
"Of course you do. You were the best." he said and Shweta dared to look into his eyes, the frankness too palpable.
"Uh...I just..."
"Don't worry Shweta...you would do just fine...I know it." he said and Shweta knew he was about to leave again. There was no one outside smoking so she did have the opportunity of standing close to him. She would not be able to meet him now, maybe not even see him. At that moment perhaps Shweta should have told him yet courage seemed to fail her. She puffed away silently, feeling sadness engulf her.
"That's my cab." he said and Shweta looked around.
"You are not staying longer?"
He hesitated for just a second and Shweta felt he knew but then he smiled and she was unsure again.
"I am not getting the weekend off...you enjoy the party and all the best. I know you would do well."
Her smile died as he turned away and started walking out of the premises. That was it...Shweta thought silently and wondered...
"Hey Sanjay," she called and he turned.
She wanted to tell him she completely adored him, wondered if they could have something more than just a polite hi and bye? Yet somehow courage left her door that instant and she smiled...
"Could you lend me the matchbox?" she asked and Sanjay smiled, took it out casually and flipped it towards her and was gone. Shweta stared at the small box. It was an AIM box and nimbly she flipped it around to read the small quotes it was famous for. A tear trickled down her face as she wrapped her fingers around it. She instantly knew that she would never let go of this matchbox...

concluding part on Wed 6th dec 06

The Trainer...

This is the first part of a short story that would unwind right here on callcentrediaries...and is dedicated to all the awesome trainers that made the honeymoon period a memorable experience...

Shweta waited as the machine rolled out coffee into the small cup. Her fifth cup of the night, she mused and grabbed it. She did not care which cup it was...as long as it was hot and warm she was happy. With the cup held in one hand and the pack of cigarette in another she stood in front of the door, feeling unsure as to how to open it! "There...let me help you." the voice was definitely masculine as a hand slided from behind her and pulled the door open. Shweta looked around at her saviour and found herself staring at a set of dark eyes under thick dark eye brows that seemed to meet in centre. He was someone she had never seen in office before for she was certain had she seen him she would have recalled a face like this one. Smiling her thanks she walked out into the pleasant night. It had rained a little while ago and there was a sweet smell in the air that refreshed her senses. She looked around and saw him lighting a cigarette. Presently he looked towards her and she asked for the matchbox. A matchbox was lying snuggly in the pocket of her jeans yet she felt like talking to this man. There was just something in his eyes."Sure...""Thanks again.""My pleasure lady."Shweta smiled and looked around."Training?" he asked and Shweta nodded."Yup. I joined three days ago.""Welcome to the organisation!' he said and after a polite smile he walked away towards the other corner. Shweta kept staring long after he was gone. She had never ever imagined that just one look could do that to her. Three long days of induction and her first night on the job! Or rather the first night of a month long training! She had liked it so far. Just two hours in it and she was enjoying. "There you are!" the girl who was in her team caught up with her. She was a pleasant enough girl, short in height and extremely thin with straight black hair and a slightly long face. Shweta smiled at her and kept looking in the direction the man had left."You looking for someone?" the girl...Neha...asked and Shweta recounted the stranger that she would have hard time forgetting."Did youa ask him which process he was working in? Or his name in the least?" she asked and Shweta frowned."No...why?'"Did you attend the induction or what? Remember there are three thousand people working in this place day in and out with over 18 processes. Chances are lady...you might never see this man again!"Shweta looked at the girl and felt disappointed. That was true indeed. There were chances she would never see him again. Gulping down the liquid she walked behind Neha, feeling grumpy and lost. She should have asked his name...introduce herself or something like that. She found a seat towards the end of the bay. All of a sudden she was not intersted in the training. There trainer was nice...had seemed friendly yet she found herself thinking about the man...the one man who in all probability she might never see again. The door to the room opened as her trainer walked in followed by a man of about 6 in height. He was dressed casually in blue denims and a cream colored shirt tucked in ever so neatly. His hair were thick and mouth curved in a pleasant smile. Her eyes locked with his, the deep black eyes that seemed to read her very soul...Shweta felt her heart skip a beat as her trainer spoke..."Please meet Sanjay...my colleague and your second trainer!"

Feel Like a Woman!

I woke up with a dream in my eyes today morning, the dream of a beautiful kitchen. Strange as it may seem but I just can't take out that kitchen from my mind. It was done in shades of brown with a semi circular end that had the stove and a chimney on top, making it look like an alcove of sorts. The slab in the middle was perfectly placed, not breaking down the path nor making the kitchen look any smaller.

People might wonder what's wrong with me? Why am I talking about a kitchen this early? Why am I talking about a kitchen at all?

Well because I am amused by the change in me. The things that I never paid attention to are now glaringly important for me. I worry about my skin....for the first time in my life I actually had a sleepless night about a zit on my face!!! I think & dream about kitchens! I worry about my wardrobe...my hair...its like all of a sudden I just feel like being a woman!

I was not a tom boy by any means. I had my own style yet I hated all the fuss about combing your hair thirteen times in 15 minutes routine, the look in the mirror and rectify my make up minutes, the oh my god am I looking fat stuff!!!
We can discount the last in the sense because I am fat to the extent that asking this question won't be wise! Yet for the first time in how many years I just want to look pretty!!!
I always managed to...but once the make up was in place it would take a nice daant from mama to 'touch it up!'. But now I am a little too conscious about all that.

I was always a woman...yet I had guarded myself from all the 'girly' stuff!

Today all I want to say is...MAN...I FEEL LIKE A WOMAN!

TOUCHWOOD!!!

The two girls walked around the park, each battling with a strange thought. Ayesha felt the strange tension envelope them. She could barely imagine the secret Nitika was about to share with her. Yet if Niti had something to talk about then Ayesha had all the time in the world. Niti walked in silence, her heart in a turmoil. Was it the right moment? Could she trust Ayesha? Would Ayesha judge her? She had know Ayu for over two years now and they somehow
understood each other. Looking at the students rushing through the ground Niti felt indecisive about her judgement agin but she just had to share it with someone and at that instant she could not share it with anyone other than Ayesha. They found a lonely spot and sat down for what was the first discussion of its kind...Niti looked definitely preoccupied, though Ayesha. What was it that was bothering her so much? What was it that Niti had to tell her? She waited patiently and accepted the silence that followed. Niti finally took a breath and looked at Ayesha."I am in love," she said and Ayesha waited. The silence made her think again. She had not heard the complete sentence. Was it what she had heard? Love?"Huh?' the first thought that crossed Ayesha's mind was...WHAT??? You are hardly twelve girl! We are hardly 12!!!""I know...I am in love. I have seen him around Ayu and there is just something about him. When today in the bus he sat by my side I just felt..."Ayesha was not listening anymore. Her mind was mingled with different emotions. A part of her heart was crying out in plain amusement...How weird!! and the other was trying to understand the look on the face. For some reason Niti looked pretty. Her eyes were alight with a passion she had never seen in them before. She was glowing with not the love of the man but just the idea of being in love. A smile broke on her lips as she sat and listened as her friend reconted her first ever crush...

They sat across the table, the silence broken occaionally by the click of the cup as Niti kept it back on the saucer. Ayesha held her glass of diet coke, savouring the moment. Life had walked wih them for a long time now...And they had come such a long way. She looked as Niti's face glowed under the dim light, eyes glittering due to the hint of tears. She looked as radiant as ever and Ayesha felt the affection bring back tears to her own eyes."You just love him so much..." Ayesha said and Niti smiled."I do..." her eyes wondered towards her friends for reasurance. It was just there...no words required to explain how she felt for this man. And no words required to explain to Ayesha...Sighing both looked at the table and then their hands went out to touch the wooden surface simultaneously as they said it out loud...'TOUCHWOOD'. The silence was instantly broken down with the giggle as the two friends revelled in the comfortable silence.

An apology

I have lost it. For the past three days I have been trying to write something yet I am failing miserably. Nothing I write gives me that satisfaction. My creativity is suffering. I stare for hours together at the screen as if words would call back to me, wake me up from the slumber my mind has forced upon me yet nothing really happens. My hands remain poised in front of the keyboard and eyes focussed on a blank screen. And then I force them to start motion, write something atleast and then words start forming only to be deleted a while later. Why is it happening? I wish I could talk about it. Yet I am not too keen on divulging the secret. But write I must...to unburden the words that are waiting on my fingertips...Three days ago I was almost certain what I wanted to write about. I even talked about it with the person it was concerned with and then by the time the pleasant conversation ended there was nothing left to say. I would not say I cried for I did not. Yet I felt a strange pain settle somewhere close to my heart. I know I was wrong, maybe obstinate and completely out of line. I know I was downright rude by the end...yet the damage was done!
Who was hurt more I can not comment. But the fact remains that I hurt the only person I call my sunshine!I have known him for close to 6 years now...infact 7 years. The acquaintance was a joke in the beginning, one of the many teenage whims. Yet with age things changed. As I went on to understand him, things began to change. He was a boy unlike any other I had ever met...outgoing, funny and downright arrogant. For some strange reason I never hated his humongous attitude for there was never false ego. In one simple sentence he was the boy who loved himself...totally. It was completely infectious. His laughter was resonant, and no matter how blue my mood was...ten minutes after talking with him I was smiling ear to ear. The only person who could call me an Idiot a 100 times without irking me. Many of my diary entries refer to him as the feel good factor! As I sat around, trying to understand him I saw him change from a totally 'biggra' boy to a responsible and considerate man. His laughter did not change, nor did the criticisms get any softer (infact they grew!), his self love increased and he remained essentially the same! At times I like to believe that he never changed...it was just that with time I started to understand him a bit better. Yet I feel I don't know him at all.
He can carry himself extremely well, his voice is textured, accent refined and mannerisms perfect. He would smile and frown at you, raise his eyebrow in mockery and laugh out loud when you realize the reason and blush like a kid. He would chide you for your behaviour, scream his exasperation yet never loose his control. He is still the man who could make the bluest day just fade into memories...if bharti is the comfortable cool of the night that will just wait patiently by my side, he is the sunshine that would make all the miseries look insignificant.
And being the Idiot that I am I hurt him. Just one sentence and I felt dark clouds gather around. Sometimes I think I do it on purpose for I love the clouds. They promise me shelter from getting burnt. Was it my fear? I don't want to dwell on it any more. For the moment I am happy with the comfort of darkness around me. Yet I know I have hurt someone and he did not deserve that. For that reason all I want to say is that I am sorry.

Milestone 25!

25...just a number. Yet today it is more than just that in my life. For so many reasons...

When I had barely joined the call centre a good friend once asked me what was it that I wanted to do...and I knew that I had to set goals for myself. I pondered over and over, tried to analyse what all i wanted to do and decided that I should have a definite goal. The only thing i came up with just one...have to earn a minimum package of 50G by the age of 25...own and drive my own car by the age of 25...complete my first book by the age of 25...
It is anybody's guess that what was simply my goal was to achieve a certain something by that age. Then why now am I refering to this number?

In July 2007 I would be 25.

When Deepti tagged me I pondered...thought and analysed how to disturb the pattern to make it more me. And the answer was a simple 25...My idea...stating 25 things I have done and 25 I would want to do. Majority are from the list...the rest I would be adding to...shall I say...customize the tag a bit!

Here goes the 2 twenty fives...

25 Miles already travelled...

1. Climbed a mountain
2. Said 'I love you' and meant it...(do that often:))
3. Stayed up all night and watched the SUNRISE
4. Slept under the stars
5. Changed a baby's diaper
6. Watched a meteor shower
7. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
8. Asked out a stranger
9. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
10.Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
11.Adopted an accent for an entire day
12.Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
13.Had two hard drives for your computer (Just got that!)
14.Taken care of someone who was drunk
15.Had amazing friends (STILL HAVE THEM...TOUCHWOOD!)
16.Taken a road-trip
17.Been heartbroken longer then you were actually in love
18.Played in the mud
19.Played in the rain
20.Toured ancient sites
21.Got flowers for no reason
22.Performed on stage
23.Buried one of your parents
24.Had an entire black wardrobe...(In totality...my mother shrieked after

she realised I actually had no other color to wear!!!)
25.Had a series of weird dreams about people I know that came true!!!

ANd Miles to go before I Sleep...

1. Watch Wild Whales in their natural habitat
2. Dance with a stranger in a foreign land
3. Take a Ferrari for a test drive
4. Visit Paris
5. Stand on top of a lighthouse and look at the sea.
6. Go bagpacking in European countryside
7. Start a business
8. An evening in gobdola in Venice.
9. Be on a television show as an EXPERT!!! (wow wow wow)
10.Hike to the bottom of the Grand Canyon (I just worry about coming back up!)
11.Skip all school reunions
12.Eat Shushi...
13.Go on a much planned vacation with someone special
14.Swim in the moonlight.
15.Walk on the beach on a full moon night...
16.Own atleast 10 different black shoes!
17.Be in shape and have a Sexy Black evening dress.
18.Get my work published
19.Witness the ALPS and the PYRAMIDS
20.Stroll in the Paris by myself
21. Own a house in Mussourie
22.Swim with Wild Dolphins
23.Read Gone with the Wind
24.Gift a Mercedes to my nephew on his 18th b'day.
AND
25. GET A SALARY PACKAGE OF 50 G A MONTH BY MY 25TH B'DAY...

A Glimpse of Gauri

To all those who don't know, Gauri is my latest creation. She is the Queen of the lot...the main protogonist of my first full fledged novel. Why am I giving an insight into her abhi se? Well...for at this very moment she is all I have...she is my inspiration as much as I am her imagination....(conscious interchange of inspiration and imagination!)

Gauri sat on the cold bench, welcoming the chill in the air. Life, she thought, had a lot instore for her. She knew the next morning the sun would smile down at her and warm her. Yet...
Gently she touched her belly and felt the movement murmur the presence she could never deny.
"You look lost." Amit said and Gauri turned to look at the man, dressed in a blue cardigan, his curly hair indicating the slight wind.
"Maybe I am." She replied. She heard him sigh and sit besides her.
"It's not a good feeling."
"And why not?" Gauri asked.
"Well...Why would you like being lost?"
Gauri smiled and looked at the log of wood that was now gently simmering. Fire had consumed life out of it and made it into a pile of ash held together for another while.
"So that someone would find me." Gauri murmured and kept her gaze fixed at the burning ambers. She felt his eyes on her, felt the softness alight the dark eyes yet she kept staring at the fire. Her heart had no place for that softness. It felt nothing at the instant. A mean block of ice was placed in her chest, beating as if forced to. Every instant the cold became her. The fire failed to warm her frozen heart. She was waiting...for that moment when that fire would be her again. When warmth would course through her blood and make her alive...again!

Sighing she looked at Amit and smiled.
"I think I need to rest now."
"Sure." Amit stood up yet his smile was instantly replaced by concern for the lady in front. She was covered in beads of perspiration. Her eyes that had been cold were now wide with fear and acute pain.
"What's the matter?" he asked and Gauri sat on the bench again. Her heart was beating loudly in her chest now. A smile hovered over her lips. With the realization of pain she felt life flow into her.
"It's time...Chabili...the baby..." she gasped, fighting for air to fill her lungs. The fire was burning wildly now and she felt it in her body.
"Oh my god. You wait...I would call someone..."Amit said and she held on to his sleeve. Tears were forming in her eyes now...Warm tears of gratitude and pain mingled with fear.
"Don't leave me..." She said and held on to his arm and he looked down at the face glowing in the light of fire, the wide dark eyes blazing with such pain that rendered the woman an angelic aura. He stared transfixed and put his hand on the forehead lovingly...
"I would never leave you!"....

Point 47....

Well...Prashant wrote a long list of his itches and the only itch that seemed to be unanimous was the POINT 47. What do women think when they check out men...

I ain't no expert but here are a few things that most of the women check out...

Hands...are they clean?
How does he laugh?
His clothes.....dirty? shirt tucked in?
Hair....nicely combed or unruly?

Hands....are they scratching?
Eyes....is he checking out my breast?

Lips....does he lick them too often?
His mobile phone....is he playing with it?

The bulk in the trousers....show me the money!

Hands....are the nails clipped? are they clean?
Smile....

Height....
approximate weight...
approximate length......

Does he slouch?
Let me see if he takes out a 100 ka note or 500 ka?

Hands...where is he keeping them...


And then almost all of them are thinking exactly the following things while checking out a guy...

He's...umm okay. What's with this guy? Am i looking okay? I should have worn that black dress...it would have made me look slimmer! Damn...is he checking me out? That ass...can't look at my face!/ Why is he not looking at my breast??? I should have worn a tighter top...damn! What did he say he was doing again? Hmm...would it look okay if i order a chicken sandwich...am so hungry...no he would think i am a pig...I should have left my hair open...damn is he going to say something/ Kitna bolta hain!......No watch? Nice phone....wish i could throw that in the bin....Oh what the hell....I bet he has never seen a better looking woman in his life...that bitch in white top is smiling...why can't she live with her own?/ Is that bitch smirking? God...why did he have to wear this weird combination....i mean a T on a Thursday???
Man I am sooooo hungry...I think I should take that Chicken Sub...To hell with the diet..."Just Irish Coffee for me...without cream..." Damn, will wait till he goes....

7-8 Lay them Straight!

I am tagged by Richa. And honestly I have been thinking what could be the ten things aboue me...

Well here goes nothing...

10 things that very few people know about me....

#1 I am scared of tall buildings....especially the closed barricaded ones.

#2 In fourth standard I aspired to be a doctor from AIIMS and find the cure of AIDS....those were the day:)

#3 After my Dad passed away, I started talking to him in my diary. The diary entry now always starts with Dear Papa...

#4 I want my stories to be made into Bollywood Movies...

#5 I started writin short stories when I was in ninth and my mother(who introduced me to the lovely world of books) took away all my books for my boards were approaching. The lack of books led me to write a story of my own that i could read!

#6 I started writing in the loo! & finished my first short story in the loo!

#7 I still give one blank call every year to my first crush from the net...can't help it...he had the sexiest damn voice I have ever heard!

#8 I wished to own a Retreat Spa...still do

#9 I am petrified of dying in a car accident.

#10 (Whew!) I am scared of being in a relationship. This fear is so intense that I would drive away any man who comes too close!

Sharma ji

She waited patiently while he talked on with Sharmaji, smiling at herself. It was a habbit with him. He would always forget that she was waiting on the phone. Finally she heard him instruct Sharma ji about another work, chuckle and then his voice back on the phone.
"Sorry." He said and she laughed.
"No need. I quite enjoy listening into your talks with Sharma ji."
She heard him laugh and then they were chatting, Sharma ji forgotten for the time being. And then again...
"Hold on,...Sharmaji..."
"Now what?" she asked yet she knew she wasn't being heard. The attention was back to Sharma ji and she held on.
"Sorry again." he said, reverting back to the phone conversation.
"You and your Sharma ji..." she joked.
They talked on for another hour and then she kept down the phone.

Wondering what is it? Well it's not a story. Its a narration of the routine telephonic conversation I share with my dear friend Gaurav. Everytime I have called him in the past while he was in office, I have waited and listened on to his conversation with Sharma ji. I have joked about him too. He was somewhere always there but of no concern to me. Then why am i writing a blog entry for him?

I called my friend in the evening and this is the conversation that took place.

"Hi Gaurav."
"Hey Kanz," (Voice strained)
"You ok?" I asked, a bit worried.
"I have had a bad day."
I smiled, thinking he got another of his scoldings from his dad. It was always amusing to listen to him narrate. But then there was something out of place. Maybe something wrong at work.
"Well..." he sighed, "Do you remember the infamous Sharma ji?"
"Ofcourse I do. What about him?" I asked completely unaware of what was coming next my way.
"Well...he is no more."
The words sank in rather slowly and the first words that blurted out of my mouth were..."How can he just go like that?"
"People just go like that Kanz"....

We did not talk after that. He needed time and strangely I did too. I have never seen the man, he was just the foreman at my friends factory. Never have I ever talked with him. Have just heard him talking in the background, heard Gaurav joking with him and laughed at my friend and joked about Sharma ji. That's all. Yet...

While i write this post I have tears in my eyes. And though he was a nobody...I felt that i had lost someone.

This is because I know all of us come across people who mean nothing to us. They are not our friends, family or aquaintances. They are just there. Lurking in the background as we rush through our life. They don't bring changes in are life, they don't matter. Yet...you are oddly aware of their presence. And feel their loss.

Do you know a Sharma ji?

Instant Coffee

Weird title. But then that was the first thing that came to my mind when I opened the page and decided to write a post where in I would share some of the weird questions of my life and then Tag Deepak and SUBHADIP...and Bharti...if i can manage to get her to come to my page...her blog has been dead too long
And Woodie...Kindly add a TAGGED AGAIN AND AGAIN...cause the same goes for you.

Basically anyone who goes through this....he he he

Its a very simple questionnaire....kindly keep the answers limited to a word or a phrase!

1. When I look at the stars...I Smile

2. Rains...a good book!

3. Happiness is...my nephew's smile!

4. Books...best friend

5. Men/Women(Whichever applicable)....can't do without!

6. Love is....a two way road!

7. God...Faith

8. Summer of 69?...Cafe Coffee Day

9. Pride....& Prejudice

10. Life...INSTANT COFFEE!!!!!

White Memories

Woodsmoke talked about winters recently in her post and reminded me of the white memories of fog laden mornings and white nights. And today I felt the nip in the air tug at my sleeve, gently transporting me back. And hence the story...


She rubbed her eyes, wishing to rush back into her warm blanket. Then she saw the tall figure standing in the garden, dressed in a white cotton kurta pyjama with a thin shawl over his shoulder. Looking at him she dragged her feet towards the door, stopping to collect her shawl and clutch it tightly. There was a dense fog cover and she could not see anything beyond the white silhoutte.
"Good morning." she called out and the man turned, smiling at his youngest daughter.
"You are up?"
"Hmmm...what are you doing?" she asked and he smiled.
"Breathing the fog! It's wonderful. Come and try." he said and she obeyed. Standing right next to him she was shivering uncontrollably while he was oblivious of the chill.
"Let the chill be one with you. Come in contact with nature and you would not feel cold." he instructed and she looked with her young eyes up at the man.
"But Papa..."
"Shh...follow me." He said and stood with his arms outstretched, as if embracing the fog cover. His eyes closed and his mouth opened as he took in the fresh air, filling his lungs with the white blanket. Momentarily he stayed in that position and then opened his eyes.
"Your turn!"
She hesitated, not realising how it could be of any good to her, yet she followed. Her father was never wrong.
Her eyes closed and arms outstretched, she slightly opened her mouth. The cold rushed inside and she felt the air travelling through her throat and settling in her lungs. There was an uncontrollable moment of chill as her chest constricted in the cold. And then, unbelievably she felt sweat break on her forehead. Her body adjusted to the cold. She was a part of her surroundings. She turned and looked at her father, his face smiling down at her.


She closed her eyes again and felt the wind caress her senses, her heart beat wildly for a second and then she was at peace. Opening her eyes, she looked around and saw her 5 year old son looking quizzically at her.
"What are you doing ma? I am cold!" he said, rubbing his eyes.
"Doing something that my dad taught me when I was your age!"
"What?"
"You would do it?" she asked and he nodded. He would do anything his mom would say...She was never wrong.
And then she was teaching him the way once someone had taught her. looking at the white fog rushing to surround her she opened her arms...

Two days ago is when this post should have come online yet due to work I coudn't do so. (i know its a lame excuse but it's true!)
Anyhow, what happened was a simple thing. As many know by now, my favorite spot in the call centres was the stairs outside the office where one and all could sit and chat for long hours (metaphorically!) with friends. And two days ago, after a long day's work I simply sat on the stairs and was reprimanded for the same!

It's professionally not acceptable they say! What can I say? I missed the good old days so very much!

Perspective

"When would we reach?" Shweta asked, cheking her watch for the tenth time in the last 5 minutes.
"Look at the traffic kid. Can't blame them. This is the worst rain I have ever seen in Delhi." Mohit spoke and looked back at the girl. She was happily looking at the rain, her face distorting everytime she looked at her watch.
"This is hardly anything." Shweta said and Mohit frowned.
"I agree. But then it is after such a long time we are witnessing a downpour like this. Delhi's weather has gone to the dogs I say!" Sameer joined in.
"True." Shweta agreed and looked at the rain. She loved it.
"What a life yaar...I mean..." Shweta said and Mohit frowned.
"What's wrong in this life?"
"Everything. Everyone is sleeping!"
"And missing the rain...perspective kid."
Shweta smiled smugly and looked at the long line of cars and trucks. The lights were blurring behind the curtain of rain.
"But we can't enjoy the rain!" Shweta grunted and Sameer lighted his n'th cigarette.
"Who said you can't?" Mohit asked and looked at Shweta with a wide grin.
"Life kid...enjoy the moment while it lasts!"
"So what you propose pal?" Sameer asked from behind the curtain of dense smoke.
Mohit looked at the traffic and then swiftly moved out of the cab as the driver made a noise. Shweta had no time to react, Mohit was already opening her door.
"Out!"
"You are crazy!" She laughed and Sameer looked with a silly grin on his face.
"Got that right!"
"Stop being silly. It's awesome! And you wanted to enjoy the rain."
Shweta looked at Mohit's face. It had not taken him time to be drenched. His hair were now plastered to his skull and water running down his face.
"No please. I'll get wet." Shweta resisted and backed towards Sameer.
"Well...what the hell." Sameer said and a while later he was out too...

Shweta looked with incredulity at the two guys, standing in the rain. She knew Mohit to be eccentric but Sameer?
"You coming out kid?" Mohit asked.
"No." Shweta said and made to close the door.
"Hey...come on. be a sport." Sameer said and Shweta hesitated. The rain looked too inviting.
"Today won't last forever Shweta!" Mohit yelled and Shweta stared. They were now standing in the middle of the road, laughing at her and then on a joke they shared. Mohit was right, she thought and looked at her shoes.

She breathed out and then knowing that it was perhaps the craziest thing she had ever done in her life till now she stepped out. The water was cold as it seeped through her t-shirt and glided down her back, driving all the air out of her lungs. Instantly life falled back in place. She was out of her home, it was three thirty in the morning and she was standing in rain. The guys clapped and Mohit bowed as if honoring a queen. Music was gliding out of the cab now and Mohit was holding her hand and swaying with the music. Shweta had a faint idea of how people would be looking at them, many would be laughing, some frowning and others not bothering. Without realising why she matched Mohit's step with her own and felt exhileration course through her.

Life...well...life was good.

Beyond the lights!

She looked wearily at the rain and then at her watch. 3 in the morning...
"Why do you have to go to office?" her sister asked, her face in shadows, sipping on the glass of water. They were sitting in their kitchen. She sighed, feeling all the more guilty. But somebody had to close the doors when she left.
"The cab should be here any minute now."
She nodded and looked outside the window. Rain would not stop soon. If only Shweta did not need this job! Feeling bitterness fill her heart she stopped thinking. There was nothing they could do. Shweta was still young. Hardly 20...But she couldn't tell her not to work. The horn brought action to the kitchen as Shweta stood up hastily.
"Bye."
She smiled and walked beside her younger sister, looking as she rushed through in the rain to her cab, Shweta sat in the cab, her face showing no signs of regret as she hastily started chatting with the person sitting in the front seat. She looked once at her and smiled as the cab drove into the darkness of the night. The tail lights dying away as the rain fell harder.

She latched the door and walked back to the comforts of her warm bed. Sliding in her blanket she felt the woman sleeping beside her move.
"Shweta left?'
"Hmm."
The silence stayed on for a while. Then she heard the sobbing.
"Ma?"
"She should be sleeping in her bed."
"Ma please. It's Shweta's choice. "

The woman looked at the bedside clock and then at the snap hanging by the wall. The steady breathing from next to her told that her other daughter was asleep. She stiffled her tears. She couldn't do anything...her eyes drifted back to the picture on the wall holding her first ever hockey cup and then towards the wheel chair lying close to her bed.

The rain fell harder still...

Waiting for Time!

Time, they say, will pass you by.

For me...time stayed. I stayed here, silently watching generations come and go. I heard the flute being played in the corner room, could feel the laughter gliding through the wind into my ears. I have seen it all. Yet not said a word. Men...of all shapes and sizes have crossed my path, some stayed under the tree, some looked over the wall and some simply drifted away into the night. Yes...I have seen them all.

Have felt the gentle steps of a child, playfully rolling a pebble. Have felt the fast steps of a young woman rushing past my gully...I have felt the brave soldiers stomping away with courage. Yet I have stayed.

With the passing time I saw the boulders turn into dust. With time I saw a seed turn into a wilted tree. Yet I have stayed where I was.

Many a secrets lie with me. And I stay here. I wish to walk away into time...I ask wind to take away those secrets into the depths of the desert, ask for rain to wash away the pain to the depths of the sea...have begged the drifting man to stop for once and rest by me...

Time, they say, will pass you by...

So it seems...

(Thanks to Deepak for lending me this beautiful picture.)

Last Words

"A wise man once said, when you reach the last page of the book...close the book."

This phrase was repeated in the movie Love bug and it has stayed with me since the time I first heard it. Pessimistic, cynical and perhaps depressing...I would not know what to call it. Yet it talks of the realities of life as we know it. How many of us have reached the end of something yet we hold on to the last memory with dear life, staying with it as time slips by our hands. What was that wise man thinking? What did he wish for us to do? To stop fighting or to simply accept the end and move on. Different perspectives. One is optimistic if we wish to see it like that; the other - indication of accepting fate.

Why am I talking about this...I woudn't know. But this is what came into my head when I decided to write this blog entry. I felt myself asking the all too important question...was I holding on to the last page of this book (read a certain issue in my life) or am I ready to close the book and move on to the next. But experience tells me that the last word is all too important in any book.

A few favorite last lines/phrases/words that make a book are

Happily ever after...

If...

Maybe, just maybe...

I lingered round them, under that benign sky: watched the moths fluttering among the heath and harebells, listened to the soft wind breathing through the grass, and wondered how any one could ever imagine unquiet slumbers for the sleepers in that quiet earth.

Truly, would you not for less than that make the tour around the world?

It made me wonder if i was to close the book...what would be the all important last line...

or on which line would i want to close this book...

I am still thinking...what would be that last line of your book?

Life...

She sighed and groped for the glass of water, wondering why the screen was blurring so much. And then the tear trickled down her cheek...they had come knocking again. Yet she did not hate them. Like many people though she hoped that no one would see them. Glad that no one had noticed, she silently logged out and made her way to the roof.
Crossing the cafeteria she saw few colleagues sipping leisurely on their coffee at the Barista counter, few were otherwise busy eating and few more were talking on the phone. She felt a smile light her face. Some people could talk for endless hours...and it was 4 in the morning.

Warm breeze greeted her as she stepped out. Thankfully it was empty bar a man busy on his mobile and puffing away his cigarette. He wouldn't notice her, she thought and went towards the other side, putting the blanket of darkness between them to ensure nothing was visible. There, all alone she would be able to smoke in peace and cry. She had been trying hard to keep her cool but it was becoming all too difficult. He wasn't coming back, she thought and closed her eyes.
The cigarette was quick. Within seconds she felt the tears subsiding and her heart coming back to terms with the present.
"It is not going to help for long...you do know that...don't you?" the voice had no source. It was just there, the same husky baritone she had grown up loving. He was there, a cigarette in his hand, face lighted by his kind smile.
"My secret," he said and she smiled.
"I know. Ma told me."
He nodded and sat on the stair.
"Life goes on..."
"What if you don't want it to?" she asked bitterly and he smiled.
"You can't help it."
"I don't want to live. you know i don't. I just want to run away...from all of this..."
"Where would you run?" he asked patiently and she sighed.
"To a place where nothing would hurt anymore. Where I can live in ignorance of the pain of loving and loosing someone."
"Have you lost me?" he asked, his face blurring as tears filled her eyes.

The voice died away into the silence of her steady heartbeat. The tears were not there anymore. Yes she would never be able to hug him again, never feel his arms go around her in that comforting manner, would never feel his kiss on her forehead, would never have him reprimand her on being late or being stubborn. But she still had him...

She looked at the fading sky and found the star, shimmering in the dying night.
Barely two months ago her life had taken such a turn. She smiled from amidst her watery eyes as her lips moved in a whisper, "Happy Birthday Papa..."

Is raat ki subah nahin...

She felt the cold shiver run through her...there was nothing she could do. The white fog had hidden everything from her sight. All she could see clearly was his grim face as he spoke in his mobile phone. Another half hour to kill, she reminded herself. The cabs were late because of the fog. And her shift was long over. Sighing she tried to force the cold coffee down her throat and then decided against it. He finally turned and looked at her. Her cab mate for the past 5 months now. He had never said anything other than the customary hi.
"You want to go inside and wait?" he asked.
"Not at all. I am liking it here."
He smiled and sat on the stairs so that she could see his dark hair. Many a times in the car she had wished to move her fingers through them. But that was something she did not have the guts for.

"So...talking to girlfriend?" she asked and he turned to look at her. The frown was replaced by a smile. He looked so innocent when he did that...she thought.
"Oh no. Was talking to a friend. He is leaving for Australia...so just..."
"Nice."
She smiled and looked away. It was so hard to talk to him. There was nothing she could do. It was perhaps because he never said anything. How hard it was to talk...and to think they talked for 8 straight hours in the job!!! He rubbed his hands and she stared.
"You are cold?"
"Aren't you?" he asked from chattering teeth and she shook her head.
"Not at all. Here...let me..." she said and took his hands into her warm ones. INstantly his face transformed.
"Better?" she asked, her eyes bright with a warmth she felt for him.
"Yes."

She withdrew her hands and looked at her watch. Sighing she stood up and walked to the door. He saw her from where he sat and took out a cigerette. His hands still felt the touch of hers...he still remembered the fire in her eyes. How he remembered the first day he had seen her, sitting in her cab patiently, waiting for him. The soft childish face bestowed with such warm eyes. Everything about this girl fascinated him. Her voice was sweet and clear, her manners left you in no doubt of her reserve. And her laughter while she took the calls could light up his face in seconds. How he wished he could talk to her...

He saw her through the curling smoke slowly making her way to the door. He so felt like rushing and opening the door for her. But he couldn't. And then she turned, bent ever so slightly on her stick.
"Coffee?" she asked him and he nodded.
"Uh...but how would you carry both the cups?" he asked and she laughed.
"Oh...I forgot."
And as she limped inside she knew he would never see her as anything more than a handicap and warm tears flooded her eyes.

A lesson not learnt!

Call centres prepared me for a load many things. Yet it never taught me the realities of life or to be put honestly, the facts about Corporates. At this moment all I can say is that either I am caught up in a wrong place or perhaps there is something completely wrong with me. A senior recently said, "Kanika apparently call centres treated you rather well...for what you are going through is very common in corporates. That is how they work..."

What to say?

The things about the place they call call centres was that there was always loads of work there. You hardly got anytime to sit idle. Thought your job was miniscule yet its importance was openly acknowledged and everybody was ready with a smile. They would never stare arrogantly at you, never did anyone ignore a greeting and people in general though mostly sleepy, were full of life and dreams. Corporates, apparently lack all of it. They work in a 9 to 5 environment, always waste more time then do anything productive, a complete lack of training and total politics.

I am wrong. I let my first job teach me that everyone is equal, it taught me the importance of time and getting the work done, it taught me the importance of sticking to your commitment, healthy working environment and happiness as the essence. It taught me that every penny is worth it only when at the end of the day when you sit on your bed your work has exhausted you such that you can sleep peacefully.

It never taught me that discriminations happen, that incompetence is always tolerated and that punctuality is a myth.

Maybe it made me too idealistic...or maybe i never learnt that all crucial lesson of Perceptions can be deceptive...

Lesson 5: The night's the longest towards its end

Sitting outside in the chilling cold of a december night, sipping on coffee that is cold before the liquid touches your lips is an experience hard to forget. As the cold stairs chill your spine, you look at the endless fog cover and wonder, when would the sun descend on us and when would the night be over. You look at the watch and realise its only three...yet strange...while the night was still young, it was still fun.

I am not only talking about the night shift that tends to be the longest when only half hour is remainng, but the long undying gloom that surrounds us. You tend to wait for daybreak, some glimmer of hope yet the darkness tends to strengthen its grip around you and then it begins to tire you. While fatigue grips your heart and the cold makes you numb you wish that the misery would end and that you would simpy be done with. You plan to make an exit from the stage of life, believing that the end is near and that the night has no dawn...

But how wrong we are. For the darkness seem to act as a cushion, understanding your misery and offering a caress to your senses. That infinite darkness of a long night stretched across your eyes, broken only by slight flickering of stars is not the sign of an end, but of a new dawn, waiting to open its arms and welcome you into a world of opportunity.

Many give up before the dawn princess opens her wings wide...and those who hold on witness the miracle of the first rays of sun piercing the dark folds of gloom as the dawn princess glides into your life...

Hold on...the end is near...for a new beginning

Lesson 4: The end is but a new beginning

The best part about the call centres was that when your day ended...a new day began. Quite Literally. The night was warm and welcoming always, the day reassuringly bright...for me it was a blessing in disguise. And call centres taught me that the dark side of the moon is welcoming.

I was taught by the call centres the mystique of night, the way the darkness simply engulfed you into a nothingness where nothing really mattered except your own instinct. And it is if not the best but atleast the second best metaphor for life. We come across situations where there is no hope to be seen. Your friends turn their backs, some stab you in the back, some simply drift apart, times when all you can feel is a big chaos surrounding you...and call centres introduced me to the void!!!

Tired and lonely, many a times i have sat alone on the stairs of those particular office, wondering about the ups and downs of life. And the darkness around me seemed to remove the clutter of emotions, bringing back to me absolutely nothing. And in that instant was when my instinct answered. And on one such dark night i was introduced to GAuri...and you might ask who is she!!!

She is the main protogonist of my first novel. I could see the queen glide from the clouds, always hiding in the dark corners, looking at the places where the moonlight reached...and from there began my beloved characters journey...

And she...the woman that emerged from the dark corners of a long night is the sunrise of my life...or perhaps the one i hope would be!!!

A Call centre Story

She looked with a sad smile on her face, her dark black eyes not hiding what she felt. She was not ashamed of her feelings...had never been. Neither had she asked him to reciprocate. Lighting the cigarette in her hand she sat on the stair, feeling the smoke ease out the tensions that seemed to flood her heart.
"So I will never see you again?" she asked and he nodded. The woman was unlike any other he had ever come across. Such honesty. A couple of months ago she had told him about her love for him. After that they had been friends, yet never had she asked for anything other than what he was able to give her...few moments of togetherness. A friend...that's it. Now she was leaving and she had no complaints. She could ask him to keep in touch...he too wanted to. Yet life was more complicated...
Accepting the forwarded cigarette, he nodded and sat next to her.
"We'll always be friends...right?"
She nodded, slowly inhaling on the smoke, avoiding to look at him. Without realizing it was time for her to leave, the cab mates were calling out to her.
"You take care. And do keep in touch. Bye," her voice was happy, face completely devoid of any pain he might have imagined.
They hugged and that was it. She left, not turning back and wishing life would give her another chance. She knew she would meet someone who would be able to love her...yet no regrets. She might not get love but she knew she had made a friend.

The boy shrugged and went back to his shift...the night was still young and he had to work.

He felt the strain getting to him...night after night he just worked. Just three more minutes for the shift to end, he thought, his eyes constantly on the Avaya, praying that it would not ring. He could see night fading away...2 minutes to five. I am out of cigarettes...the thought came crashing. And at this hour the pan wala next to the office was not present. And then he smiled, she would always have an extra cigarette to lend. Smiling he looked at the Avaya and then his login time...well...finally. three seconds won't really hurt!

And then after a series of codes he was logged out..the first of his team. Hurrying out he stopped for his coffee and then he was out. The empty stairs greeted his eyes. And in that instant the fact came rushing in...she would not be there to greet him in the mornings...he would never see her again. Slowly he sank to the stairs, the cigarette forgotten. When she was around he never realized...he had lost her...forever!

Lesson 3: YOU MAKE COLLEAGUES IN WORK PLACE...NOT FRIENDS!

I interacted with a variety of people, from all parts of the country...big and small. And with every person there was a lesson to be learnt.

And though the number of lessons are innumerous, the one that I hold dearest to my heart is the first lesson my first Team Leader taught me.

YOU MAKE COLLEAGUES IN WORK PLACE...NOT FRIENDS!

All fresh and new to the world which was a total anti thesis of the world I had lived in, I was bound to look for friends, people who would make me feel comfortable. My life had made me totally vulnerable at that point of time and well...i was desperately looking for some comfort zones. My other life was totally messed...when i slept my friends went to college. And when i could talk...they were sleeping. And hence i made some major blunders. I started trusting people in the workplace and sharing my worries, my problems and everything under the sun. I made friends!

And then one fine morning i got the shock of my life...my so called friend was bad mouthing me. well...I was troubled. But i said nothing. Then another 'friend' approached my to be team leader and said that i should not be put in his team and that i needed her company for i was too vulnerable and we were the best of friends. I sat there, shocked and astounded but never said a word. The to be team leader then spoke with me alone and said that, "Kanika, we don't have friends in workplaces. We only have colleagues. The decision is yours..."

Honestly at that point in time i had thought that the team leader was completely out of his mind. That you can have friends anywhere.

But now i know. True you can have friends...but once you are out of that work place. When Working always and always remember...they are your colleagues. The way you shared your life with people who were your friend while in school and college...the same things make you vulnerable in workplace. One has to remember...All that glitters is not gold and People come in a variety of shapes and size and to deal with them you must remember this rule.

I am friends with a team leader of mine till date and he is a good friend...but the truth is...we became friends once I left working under him...

Lesson 2: Shit Happens....Life happens

The thing that i really remember about my journey through the torturous night shifts was the obvious fatigue that gripped your mind, body and soul. After a long night shift which was often dragged by another 2 hours due to heavy call volume. The body used to be tired to the hilt. A stretched shift could drain out the will to live from your body. I remembered, sitting on the front porch, my mind refusing to work, my heart wishing to stop beating for a little while, eyelashes praying silently to drape over the reddened eyes. Add to that the other things that never stopped happening at the homefront. The continuos fights, and upheavel and the crying. (Had recently lost my father that had led me into joining the call centre in the first place.

I used to sit there and pray to god to let me give up. I remembered the tears that flowed in prayer from my eyes. A prayer to god to make me so weak that i would give up on life, stop the misery and reach out to my father who would take care of me. But i could not. Never could i GIVE UP ON LIFE. no matter how much i prayed, no matter how badly my body wished for complete silence, no matter how many times my heart cried for the peaceful sleep for it hurt with every heartbeat...my soul refused.

Nothing, my soul stayed free. And though it was shattered and tired, it was relentless and stayed with me. Through the moments when i was at the lowest in my life, my soul wished to touch the blue sky and take me with it. It stayed with me and I stayed on.

And after those moments, and the comfort of my bed when i woke up, i could hear my nephew giggling somewhere in the house and i realized...Shit happens....LIFE HAPPENS!!!

Lesson 1: Lights, phones and SMILE!!

Call Centres have taught me so much. But one thing that they kept up with was a smile. The only word that runs a mile they say. Hmm...
Well...It was more monotonous than anything i had ever done...so i used to think at that time. It was always the same, log on to the system, the Avaya, mark your attendence, check the connection, the notepad and all, take a deep breath, push the button and SMILE. It was always the same. But was it?

Was it only the BPO mantra for good CSAT? Was it a call centre way of conducting business?

I don't know. The other day, all tired and frustrated i waited at my seat, trying to make sense of some numbers that had nothing to say to me. It was just plain numbers, arranged in a haphazard manner, overwhelming my mind into the oblivion where all i wanted was to close my eyes and sleep a dreamless sleep. And then i remembered the front porch of Daksh and Hughes, my favorite spots, where i used to sit after my days shift, all tired and puffy eyed, wanting nothing more than a wink of a sleep. I could feel the same stress, the same anxiety to get out of the monotonous routine life was slowly setting into. I so wanted to get back to my own comfortable bed and work on my book i am writing. And then i did what was the first lesson of my days in the call centre, take a deep breath and SMILE.

And there it was, for some reason the pattern emerged. I could see the numbers dancing to my tunes. They were waiting for me to dissect them into trends and patterns, make some sense out of them.

It worked. And i knew, call centre taught me the most wonderful thing in this world. If you want to stretch your mind's horizon, flex your muscles and do a simple workout. Smile...and the world Smiles back at you.

One Night at a Call Centre.....NAH!!

I have been toying with the idea of starting a blog again. The one about Books has been rather neglected...but then...its for one purpose hence I decided that I needed another place to start talking.

And then I was wondering what is it that I want to share? Is it my life today? My past or what?

An inspiration stuck me like a bolt of lightning...my life and times in a Call Centre. I started seeing life from a different perspective..literally.
I had seen the world in the light of the day, seen life washed with bright sunlight. And then I saw it all drenched in a soft pale glow of the moon and I changed.

A twist in the road landed me on the doorsteps of Daksh eServices. 4th October 2002...what a day. All nervous...hardly 20 years old and a totally pampered spoilt brat. However there was a very different Kanika. This Kanika was totally low on confidence.

My first round was a quid pro quo. Then the second round. There, I was to be surprised. After the round, the woman said out my name and asked the rest of the 20 people to leave!!!!

Wow...what a trip. Anyhow, i got the job and joined on 7th Oct. 2002. My trip to office was as confusing as the world i was entering. What did i know about Call centres? Anyhow, I was there, all scared and lost. a part of me was dead. This was not what i had wanted out of life...yet there i was. Whether I liked it or not, I was working there. The first day was 9 to 5. Then, 3:30 in the morning!

But that day...or rather that morning i saw a pale moon, looking down at me with a soft glow and acknowledging me as a new entry into the midst of a family called the Call Centre Industry...

This blog will compare my life...and talk about all my journey from that very day...