An apology

I have lost it. For the past three days I have been trying to write something yet I am failing miserably. Nothing I write gives me that satisfaction. My creativity is suffering. I stare for hours together at the screen as if words would call back to me, wake me up from the slumber my mind has forced upon me yet nothing really happens. My hands remain poised in front of the keyboard and eyes focussed on a blank screen. And then I force them to start motion, write something atleast and then words start forming only to be deleted a while later. Why is it happening? I wish I could talk about it. Yet I am not too keen on divulging the secret. But write I must...to unburden the words that are waiting on my fingertips...Three days ago I was almost certain what I wanted to write about. I even talked about it with the person it was concerned with and then by the time the pleasant conversation ended there was nothing left to say. I would not say I cried for I did not. Yet I felt a strange pain settle somewhere close to my heart. I know I was wrong, maybe obstinate and completely out of line. I know I was downright rude by the end...yet the damage was done!
Who was hurt more I can not comment. But the fact remains that I hurt the only person I call my sunshine!I have known him for close to 6 years now...infact 7 years. The acquaintance was a joke in the beginning, one of the many teenage whims. Yet with age things changed. As I went on to understand him, things began to change. He was a boy unlike any other I had ever met...outgoing, funny and downright arrogant. For some strange reason I never hated his humongous attitude for there was never false ego. In one simple sentence he was the boy who loved himself...totally. It was completely infectious. His laughter was resonant, and no matter how blue my mood was...ten minutes after talking with him I was smiling ear to ear. The only person who could call me an Idiot a 100 times without irking me. Many of my diary entries refer to him as the feel good factor! As I sat around, trying to understand him I saw him change from a totally 'biggra' boy to a responsible and considerate man. His laughter did not change, nor did the criticisms get any softer (infact they grew!), his self love increased and he remained essentially the same! At times I like to believe that he never changed...it was just that with time I started to understand him a bit better. Yet I feel I don't know him at all.
He can carry himself extremely well, his voice is textured, accent refined and mannerisms perfect. He would smile and frown at you, raise his eyebrow in mockery and laugh out loud when you realize the reason and blush like a kid. He would chide you for your behaviour, scream his exasperation yet never loose his control. He is still the man who could make the bluest day just fade into memories...if bharti is the comfortable cool of the night that will just wait patiently by my side, he is the sunshine that would make all the miseries look insignificant.
And being the Idiot that I am I hurt him. Just one sentence and I felt dark clouds gather around. Sometimes I think I do it on purpose for I love the clouds. They promise me shelter from getting burnt. Was it my fear? I don't want to dwell on it any more. For the moment I am happy with the comfort of darkness around me. Yet I know I have hurt someone and he did not deserve that. For that reason all I want to say is that I am sorry.