Why?

Okay. I have tried in vain! It won't do! Please allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you!!! No erase that last sentence. There is no one I would say these three words and mean them. I remember when I came back to blogger I told myself I would not talk about how I really feel, would not mention anything that is personal for I was scared...Scared perhaps of attracting bad luck! But then what the hell!!! It is my space and I would scream if I want to, curse if my heart aches to do that and rant about the injustices that I sometimes believe have been meted out to me. If I wish to talk about my pa I would do that, even if it makes me weak and vulnerable I don't care. For once I want to be sad, depressed and totally miserable. I am not happy and I would not try to sound anything otherwise.

There are those moments that come back to haunt, memories that glide as tears even as you laugh at a joke! I hate it completely...why is it important to get a daughter married? Why do people believe that it is their duty to start looking for a match the moment the girl crosses a certain age? Why the F*&^ can't these people just mind their own f^&$%( business?

Why does the heart yearn for that comfort again? Why do you search for signs desperately when you know they are not coming? Why in this world can't you just run away....forever? Why is it so very difficult to tell your eyes to stop looking for that someone who would make winters warmer? Why do hands still stretch out to be engulfed by those long warm fingers when you know that he is just not ever coming back? Why the f*@# can't I cry for my dad if I want to?

Just why do I have to understand and search for the silver lining in every thing? Why do I have to move on in life? Why do I still ache to see him, hug him ever so tightly? Why did Papa leave me without answering? And why did I make my peace with god? Why can't I hate god for whatever happened? Why I just can't give up! And why the tears just rest on the eyelashes and refuse to fall? Why does the pain feel so amazingly comfortable at times?

Why did I write all this?