How many times have I wondered what love is! How many times have I found out! And how many times have I proven myself wrong?
A couple of days ago a friend of mine decided to enlighten me about the small facts of love! A whole lot of giving and caring and sharing! To be honest I was...well bored! And yes a bit angered by the usage of words trying to define a sublime feeling! And when I went on to say that love I have known...love I feel and that purest form of love is what I feel for my nephew she went on to correct me that it will not stand the test of time! That as and when I have "the" man in my life I shall change. I would want to do things for him! That I would forget about my nephew and though I would not love him any less my priorities would change!
I don't blame her and am not angry from her! She hardly knows me! An aquaintance of a month is no master of my feelings! And apparently with time I would change! When that man finally drops from the heavens I would know...I apologise...Sarcasm does not help here! It is a delicate matter and requires some serious thinking and milder tone!
To all the people who are reading this post I wish to ask, Can you define one moment when death stared you in the eye and you smiled and laughed? I can! Though it is a very personal moment I wish to share it with people today.
2nd September 2002, 6:30 am, on my way to the hospital where my dad was admitted.
A cloudy morning, just pale glimmer of sunlight over the horizon and a thought flashed across my mind. A thought I was scared the instant it happened. Looking at the purple sky I had whispered..."Today We shall take you home Papa!" and that instant I knew. I tried to disregard the thought and when we reached the hospital the worst was waiting for us! I don't have the courage to relive the moment again. And I don't wish to do that. But I wish to share what I did that day! I lost my father. The man who was more to me than any other man had ever been! The man who had woken me up every morning, who had taught me how to walk, how to behave, how to pray! The man who had waited in front of the examination halls to greet me with a smile, the man who rang the doorbell every evening at 6 and the man who would go to the hell to get a smile on my face! I lost him...forever! We took him back that day...gagged and bound in bandages! Even his face was covered in white muslin! And his lifeless body was placed on the floor as people gathered around him. My nephew was barely 2 years old and he doted on my dad. Sleeping peacefully in his room he was not aware of the tragedy. And he was not to know!
How could you make a two year old go through that! I went to his room then. I had to make sure he never left the room! And I laughed with him, smiled at his jokes. All the while when my dad stayed in his house, while his body still rested on the ground awaiting the last journey I stayed locked in that room making sure not a single tear escaped the eyes! I did it because I loved him...I love him!
My father left us never to come back! I realized how life was the biggest irony of death! And I realized love can not be defined! I love my father. I hate it when people sometimes correct me and say loved your father! I still love him. Then why did I not sit by his body for as long as I could? Did I love my nephew more? How could anybody who had been in your life for 2 years replace someone who had been for 20?
I did it because I knew I could not bring my father back! I knew I had responsibilities now! I knew I had to save the innocence from getting lost in tears!
The point of this tale. Love is not a limited quantity! We can love so many people! I love so many of them! But for me my neohew is not only my love...he is that love that showed me what life is all about! Just a hug from him can light up the darkest days! His smile can make me forget any pain or misery! He is that part of my soul who made me smile even when I was shattered!
In time things might change. I might become selfish! (More than I am right now!). But I would always remember...For Kishu I would laugh even if death was here to take me...just so that tears never touch his eyes! That is love to me...I only wish to say that those who know love please don't try to dictate that on others and presume that it is the only sort of love! Life is too precious to be limited by one sort of Love. And Love is too precious for only one Life!
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Why Not!
Different phases and different moods. Same question...(Why?) and same answer...(Why not!)
Yesterday, its anybody's guess, I was particularly blue. I was depressed, lonely and utterly confused. Well, the heart is still amiss, eyes are particularly wet yet the cold wind is softer, milder and definitely heart warming! I am still lonely, I still have the same nostalgia, the grief and the pain...yet I also have the faith...that all shall be fine...hope of a beautiful tomorrow and love of my family. As of now...I want nothing more!
I am strangely content with my situation in life...am at peace with myself and in complete harmony with mother nature. When I hugged ma today, everything was just perfect. Her hand on my head, the dreams in her eyes and the tender kiss on the forehead!
I am not asking god why he did what he did for its not for me to ask...Its for me to simply smile and look at the heavens...feel his warmth as he gently wraps his arm around me and holds me together, feel his laughter as I sulk and complain. Its for me to simply say...I love you God. And then...Why not??? Why not scream! cry! rant! laugh!
Why not indeed!
To all who read the previous post, thanks for listening!
And to all who read this post (without reading the previous one!), I am sure you would now be getting ready to read the previous post...I shall only say...thanks!
Yesterday, its anybody's guess, I was particularly blue. I was depressed, lonely and utterly confused. Well, the heart is still amiss, eyes are particularly wet yet the cold wind is softer, milder and definitely heart warming! I am still lonely, I still have the same nostalgia, the grief and the pain...yet I also have the faith...that all shall be fine...hope of a beautiful tomorrow and love of my family. As of now...I want nothing more!
I am strangely content with my situation in life...am at peace with myself and in complete harmony with mother nature. When I hugged ma today, everything was just perfect. Her hand on my head, the dreams in her eyes and the tender kiss on the forehead!
I am not asking god why he did what he did for its not for me to ask...Its for me to simply smile and look at the heavens...feel his warmth as he gently wraps his arm around me and holds me together, feel his laughter as I sulk and complain. Its for me to simply say...I love you God. And then...Why not??? Why not scream! cry! rant! laugh!
Why not indeed!
To all who read the previous post, thanks for listening!
And to all who read this post (without reading the previous one!), I am sure you would now be getting ready to read the previous post...I shall only say...thanks!
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Why?
Okay. I have tried in vain! It won't do! Please allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you!!! No erase that last sentence. There is no one I would say these three words and mean them. I remember when I came back to blogger I told myself I would not talk about how I really feel, would not mention anything that is personal for I was scared...Scared perhaps of attracting bad luck! But then what the hell!!! It is my space and I would scream if I want to, curse if my heart aches to do that and rant about the injustices that I sometimes believe have been meted out to me. If I wish to talk about my pa I would do that, even if it makes me weak and vulnerable I don't care. For once I want to be sad, depressed and totally miserable. I am not happy and I would not try to sound anything otherwise.
There are those moments that come back to haunt, memories that glide as tears even as you laugh at a joke! I hate it completely...why is it important to get a daughter married? Why do people believe that it is their duty to start looking for a match the moment the girl crosses a certain age? Why the F*&^ can't these people just mind their own f^&$%( business?
Why does the heart yearn for that comfort again? Why do you search for signs desperately when you know they are not coming? Why in this world can't you just run away....forever? Why is it so very difficult to tell your eyes to stop looking for that someone who would make winters warmer? Why do hands still stretch out to be engulfed by those long warm fingers when you know that he is just not ever coming back? Why the f*@# can't I cry for my dad if I want to?
Just why do I have to understand and search for the silver lining in every thing? Why do I have to move on in life? Why do I still ache to see him, hug him ever so tightly? Why did Papa leave me without answering? And why did I make my peace with god? Why can't I hate god for whatever happened? Why I just can't give up! And why the tears just rest on the eyelashes and refuse to fall? Why does the pain feel so amazingly comfortable at times?
Why did I write all this?
There are those moments that come back to haunt, memories that glide as tears even as you laugh at a joke! I hate it completely...why is it important to get a daughter married? Why do people believe that it is their duty to start looking for a match the moment the girl crosses a certain age? Why the F*&^ can't these people just mind their own f^&$%( business?
Why does the heart yearn for that comfort again? Why do you search for signs desperately when you know they are not coming? Why in this world can't you just run away....forever? Why is it so very difficult to tell your eyes to stop looking for that someone who would make winters warmer? Why do hands still stretch out to be engulfed by those long warm fingers when you know that he is just not ever coming back? Why the f*@# can't I cry for my dad if I want to?
Just why do I have to understand and search for the silver lining in every thing? Why do I have to move on in life? Why do I still ache to see him, hug him ever so tightly? Why did Papa leave me without answering? And why did I make my peace with god? Why can't I hate god for whatever happened? Why I just can't give up! And why the tears just rest on the eyelashes and refuse to fall? Why does the pain feel so amazingly comfortable at times?
Why did I write all this?
Sunday, January 21, 2007
Relative Right!
A small conversation between me and my 6 year old nephew on our way to the market to buy candies for him!
“Maki…”
I glanced at him, sitting moodily on the passenger seat, expression of deep thought on his face.
“Yeah?”
“Is it true that God is present everywhere?”
“Yes it is.”
A thoughtful pause and then, “So it means he is in me as well!”
“Yes he is. God lives in everybody. The soul is divided, parted by mystical forces of good and evil. Every human soul has those two parts…The good or GOD and the bad or EVIL. We all have god and evil within us.”
“So good is God and bad is Evil?”
“That’s right!”
“So I have evil in me?” the voice a tad shrill.
“Well evil is not present in kids. Their hearts are pure and only god resides there!”
“So Maki…if God lives in me then he would make me do all the good things. But when I do the things that I think are good then everybody shouts at me. I do well but for all of them it is bad…so how is god for me evil for the rest?”
At that point all I can say is I was thankful we reached the market. For I had no answers. Do you?
“Maki…”
I glanced at him, sitting moodily on the passenger seat, expression of deep thought on his face.
“Yeah?”
“Is it true that God is present everywhere?”
“Yes it is.”
A thoughtful pause and then, “So it means he is in me as well!”
“Yes he is. God lives in everybody. The soul is divided, parted by mystical forces of good and evil. Every human soul has those two parts…The good or GOD and the bad or EVIL. We all have god and evil within us.”
“So good is God and bad is Evil?”
“That’s right!”
“So I have evil in me?” the voice a tad shrill.
“Well evil is not present in kids. Their hearts are pure and only god resides there!”
“So Maki…if God lives in me then he would make me do all the good things. But when I do the things that I think are good then everybody shouts at me. I do well but for all of them it is bad…so how is god for me evil for the rest?”
At that point all I can say is I was thankful we reached the market. For I had no answers. Do you?
Musings of a Lonely Heart
It could have been a perfect day had it not started on the wrong foot! There are days when I sit in front of my system, my fingers patiently waiting for my heart to start narrating, yet nothing flows through them. And then I force my brain to think, think hard and bring out the deepest darkest desires hidden under coils of dreams. Slowly time reels back, brings out memories of promises that are still scrappy, of missed opportunities that still await a smile, of tarnishing dreams and a dozen heart burns. Silence...
The battle begins. My heart sits in patience and listens to my mind shouting at it, telling of the time that is passing it by. Yet the heart stays mum. There is nothing to speak, nothing to say that would change the past. It tenderly holds all the dead roses in its realms, folds the broken shards of glass lovingly in its midst. Slowly the mind gives up, lulls itself back into a peaceful monotony of existence while the heart braves the cold wind pressing against the old wounds of passion, stirring the fire that had started to ebb. Heart does not know what is right or wrong, does not understand good or evil, moral or immoral. All it understands is the fire within that keeps the person alive. It cares for no one…it only understands the darkness that surround that eternal flame. Heart waits patiently for moments of happiness and treasures memories of pain…it is lonely no doubt…but it was meant to be this way!!!
The battle begins. My heart sits in patience and listens to my mind shouting at it, telling of the time that is passing it by. Yet the heart stays mum. There is nothing to speak, nothing to say that would change the past. It tenderly holds all the dead roses in its realms, folds the broken shards of glass lovingly in its midst. Slowly the mind gives up, lulls itself back into a peaceful monotony of existence while the heart braves the cold wind pressing against the old wounds of passion, stirring the fire that had started to ebb. Heart does not know what is right or wrong, does not understand good or evil, moral or immoral. All it understands is the fire within that keeps the person alive. It cares for no one…it only understands the darkness that surround that eternal flame. Heart waits patiently for moments of happiness and treasures memories of pain…it is lonely no doubt…but it was meant to be this way!!!
Monday, January 15, 2007
Dark Temptation...
She stared without shame, her heart gently beating in her chest. There was just something about it that provoked pure carnal desire. Her mind screamed as her body melted at the site. Pure ecstasy! Yet it was wrong....a sin yet her body arched and she felt her hand moving as her lips trmbled slightly. She was aware of his eyes looking intently as she fumbled once and twice, shook her head in denial and licked her lips nervously.
"Go on..." he coaxed, mocking her slightly as her cheeks turned red. She looked into his eyes and saw the kindness. There was a soft smile on his lips and though she knew he was enjoying her discomfort, he was also aware of the way her body trembled.
Closing her eyes she reached for it and felt the softness as the teeth dug into the deep dark cores. Her eyes opened then and she shuddered once and mouthed it, feeling it just melt into her mouth and send shocks of pure bliss and pleasure to every inch of her body. She looked at him then and smiled, the sweetest smile, "Forgive me for I have sinned!"
"No sin my child. No sin..."
And they burst out laughing as she steadied her fork and plundged it into the heart of the rich chocolate truffle laced with steaming hot chocolate sauce. As she mouthed another bite she knew...few indulgences were just worth it. She felt him laughing, saw his fork devouring the cream on the side without mercy and pulled the plate closer to herself. He gave up without a fight.
"You look so adorable right now."
"Umm...dont disturb and dont try it...I ain't giving it back to you..."
"Hey...I thought you did not want to eat it!"
"Well...now I do so just buzz off!!!!"
He smiled, picked his coffee cup and sipped on. Some temptations he thought, a naughty sparkle lighting his eyes...were just worth it!
As she sat back, the look of utter contentment in her eyes he raised his cup of coffee in salute.
"Thank you..." she said and she meant it. After a rough patch this was exactly what she wanted.
"Don't worry. It shall all be accounted for!!!"
She chuckled and picked her coffee cup. She knew it all meant nothing. They were good friends and she was glad for it. Sipping on her coffee she felt the bitter liquid simmer down her throat with a fervent desire to preserve the tingling effect. With the sun parked high in sky, all glowing and glistening with happiness she felt wind on her face. Life..she thought as an old song started to fill her veins with pure music...was good!
"Go on..." he coaxed, mocking her slightly as her cheeks turned red. She looked into his eyes and saw the kindness. There was a soft smile on his lips and though she knew he was enjoying her discomfort, he was also aware of the way her body trembled.
Closing her eyes she reached for it and felt the softness as the teeth dug into the deep dark cores. Her eyes opened then and she shuddered once and mouthed it, feeling it just melt into her mouth and send shocks of pure bliss and pleasure to every inch of her body. She looked at him then and smiled, the sweetest smile, "Forgive me for I have sinned!"
"No sin my child. No sin..."
And they burst out laughing as she steadied her fork and plundged it into the heart of the rich chocolate truffle laced with steaming hot chocolate sauce. As she mouthed another bite she knew...few indulgences were just worth it. She felt him laughing, saw his fork devouring the cream on the side without mercy and pulled the plate closer to herself. He gave up without a fight.
"You look so adorable right now."
"Umm...dont disturb and dont try it...I ain't giving it back to you..."
"Hey...I thought you did not want to eat it!"
"Well...now I do so just buzz off!!!!"
He smiled, picked his coffee cup and sipped on. Some temptations he thought, a naughty sparkle lighting his eyes...were just worth it!
As she sat back, the look of utter contentment in her eyes he raised his cup of coffee in salute.
"Thank you..." she said and she meant it. After a rough patch this was exactly what she wanted.
"Don't worry. It shall all be accounted for!!!"
She chuckled and picked her coffee cup. She knew it all meant nothing. They were good friends and she was glad for it. Sipping on her coffee she felt the bitter liquid simmer down her throat with a fervent desire to preserve the tingling effect. With the sun parked high in sky, all glowing and glistening with happiness she felt wind on her face. Life..she thought as an old song started to fill her veins with pure music...was good!
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
If Only...
She looked around, feeling desolation take hold of her senses as the cold winter air pressed against her skin, making shivers run down her frizid body. It was just the weather to make every horrible thought surface in the mind and make the eyes go moist. And she did not want to feel anything at the moment. It was just perfect...feeling nothing and savouring the emptiness that seemed to engulf her into its midst. He looked towards her and winked, his smile lighting the features under the lamp. Unwantingly emotions surfaced from deep within and she smiled back. He looked back to the woman standing in front, seeking all his attentions. Her eyes searched the figure for any defect yet her eyes found nothing. There is just so much her heart wished for him to have seen her the way he acknowledged her presence. But wishful thinking was all she could indulge in. Finding her cigarette she lighted it, forcing herself to look anywhere but in his direction.
"Where is your friend tonight?" Sidharth asked and she shrugged in his direction. The two figures were now walking away into the night.
"Ah..." Sidharth said and looked at the woman standing by her side. He felt the emotion erupt in his chest. How he wished she would look at her the way she sought his stare. There was just something about this woman that made him wonder...If only...But it was nothing but wishful thinking, he thought and felt the desolation settle in again.
"Where is your friend tonight?" Sidharth asked and she shrugged in his direction. The two figures were now walking away into the night.
"Ah..." Sidharth said and looked at the woman standing by her side. He felt the emotion erupt in his chest. How he wished she would look at her the way she sought his stare. There was just something about this woman that made him wonder...If only...But it was nothing but wishful thinking, he thought and felt the desolation settle in again.
Monday, January 01, 2007
Strangers in the Night!
She frowned and took the proffered matchbox without a second thought. Lighting her cigarette she passed it back.
“Thanks…”
“Don’t mention.” He paused as she puffed on her cigarette, smiling at the look of utter disappointment spread over the face.
“Let me guess…bad call?” he asked, a smile lighting the face.
“Oh…well the woman was just not ready to give me her social…I mean it’s not as if I would impersonate her or something!!!”
He chuckled and nodded, inhaling on his cigarette.
“But she would have her insecurities you know…not every person would trust a complete stranger like you…I mean would you…trust a complete stranger?”
She looked at his face from behind the smoke. A nice friendly face, a little too long to be totally handsome, deep brown eyes, small cropped hair and a nicely trimmed French beard…
“Well alright I would have my insecurities trusting someone just like that…but…”
“There are no buts. Different people…different insecurities!”
“And what is yours? Would you trust a stranger?”
He looked at the face, trying to decide whether the eyes behind the glasses were brown or black…but what difference would it make! It was a pretty face, etched skin, prominent cheekbone and straight black hair tied in a high ponytail.
“I would love to…”
She raised an eyebrow, shrugged her shoulders and took another drag.
“It is a tough thing you know…” she started and had his attention, “to build trust.”
“I beg to differ!” he said and she stared at him. The sun was rising beyond the horizon and with the first glimmer of morning light she was disposed to think he was rather…attractive. There was certain arrogance in him that made you wonder…
“You think it is easy to build trust?”
“Certainly. It’s very easy…what is difficult is to keep it!”
“Oh….that ways!” she said and he smiled.
“Yes, that ways. Say for instance if I was to make you trust me…it is damn easy for me…but to make sure that I don’t break it…now that is a tough thing to do!”
“Why would it be a tough thing?”
“Because not all men are honest inside out now…are they?”
“Well they should be!!!”
“There are many things that should and shouldn’t be…yet life is not to be lived by a book. What is the fun if you do all the should be’s and never the shouldn’t be’s….think about it…smoking is a shouldn’t be for instance!”
She laughed and licked her lips. Taking the final puff she looked at her watch.
“Well I better push off and find my cab…”
“And I shall go and sign in!” he said and she smiled at him.
“Namrata,” she said offering her hand which was clasped in a firm handshake.
“Abhishek. Nice to meet you…”
“Lovely meeting you. Bye then.” Namrata said and after another polite smile she turned and started walking away towards her cab. The irate customer totally forgotten and forgotten the fatigue that had held her body captive. It was a bright and sunny morning…Abhishek looked at the woman walking away and removed another cigarette from his pack. A smile hovered on his lips…
Call centres at their best. It was so easy to talk to anybody back then. People would just start a conversation...not bothering to know who the person is.....This is to all those wonderful men I had a little chit chat with while I waited for my cabs in the morning or enjoyed a cup of coffee in my breaks. I dont remember their names for it is for those few whom I had the priveledge to talk just once....yet I do know...I was not the only stranger in the night!
“Thanks…”
“Don’t mention.” He paused as she puffed on her cigarette, smiling at the look of utter disappointment spread over the face.
“Let me guess…bad call?” he asked, a smile lighting the face.
“Oh…well the woman was just not ready to give me her social…I mean it’s not as if I would impersonate her or something!!!”
He chuckled and nodded, inhaling on his cigarette.
“But she would have her insecurities you know…not every person would trust a complete stranger like you…I mean would you…trust a complete stranger?”
She looked at his face from behind the smoke. A nice friendly face, a little too long to be totally handsome, deep brown eyes, small cropped hair and a nicely trimmed French beard…
“Well alright I would have my insecurities trusting someone just like that…but…”
“There are no buts. Different people…different insecurities!”
“And what is yours? Would you trust a stranger?”
He looked at the face, trying to decide whether the eyes behind the glasses were brown or black…but what difference would it make! It was a pretty face, etched skin, prominent cheekbone and straight black hair tied in a high ponytail.
“I would love to…”
She raised an eyebrow, shrugged her shoulders and took another drag.
“It is a tough thing you know…” she started and had his attention, “to build trust.”
“I beg to differ!” he said and she stared at him. The sun was rising beyond the horizon and with the first glimmer of morning light she was disposed to think he was rather…attractive. There was certain arrogance in him that made you wonder…
“You think it is easy to build trust?”
“Certainly. It’s very easy…what is difficult is to keep it!”
“Oh….that ways!” she said and he smiled.
“Yes, that ways. Say for instance if I was to make you trust me…it is damn easy for me…but to make sure that I don’t break it…now that is a tough thing to do!”
“Why would it be a tough thing?”
“Because not all men are honest inside out now…are they?”
“Well they should be!!!”
“There are many things that should and shouldn’t be…yet life is not to be lived by a book. What is the fun if you do all the should be’s and never the shouldn’t be’s….think about it…smoking is a shouldn’t be for instance!”
She laughed and licked her lips. Taking the final puff she looked at her watch.
“Well I better push off and find my cab…”
“And I shall go and sign in!” he said and she smiled at him.
“Namrata,” she said offering her hand which was clasped in a firm handshake.
“Abhishek. Nice to meet you…”
“Lovely meeting you. Bye then.” Namrata said and after another polite smile she turned and started walking away towards her cab. The irate customer totally forgotten and forgotten the fatigue that had held her body captive. It was a bright and sunny morning…Abhishek looked at the woman walking away and removed another cigarette from his pack. A smile hovered on his lips…
Call centres at their best. It was so easy to talk to anybody back then. People would just start a conversation...not bothering to know who the person is.....This is to all those wonderful men I had a little chit chat with while I waited for my cabs in the morning or enjoyed a cup of coffee in my breaks. I dont remember their names for it is for those few whom I had the priveledge to talk just once....yet I do know...I was not the only stranger in the night!
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
The two seconds
It's that time of the year again when for some unknown reason we feel a smile hovering over our lips. The year draws to a close and we get ready, few to party, few to study and so on. Yet everyone can feel a strange happiness seep into your body. Try as hard as you can, you feel this invigorating spasms off and on!
Perhaps I am talking about my personal self! Perhaps few of you relate to this and few dont. Yet I recalled the New Year's Eve in Daksh eServices. The holiday season in America and for call centre employees...the rush time. Especially the process I was working for...phew...the call volume was insane. You would end a call and grasp for a breath and the damn avaya would ring again...And then after extended shift when you stepped out into the dark night you felt fog enveloping you in its midst. With shiver running through your spine you could almost feel....ALIVE.
I remember clearly that new year's eve...i was one of the unlucky one's who was working. Well....My shift started at 11:00 p.m...the constant chatter was on, the moment I logged in...I knew...I would be fighting for a minute's breath. Nonethless the calls started pouring. THe workstation was abuzz, the bays jingling away in a variety of accents. Few were standing, few sitting on the carpeted floor. I could see many jumping up with excitement. As we kept chattering we saw our team leaders busy in their own worry. Then I saw my team leader going from one team member to another...he was there on my workstation. On the notepad he simply scribbled...
Put him on hold for 2 minutes on 11:59
And then it was that time, the workfloor was on hold for 2 minutes....those who had no calls were on AUX, and those who were entertaining a call politely on some pretext put the customers on hold. And there it was...the countdown, the synchronized chant which happens when people just murmur the counting...the excitement was building and then the workfloor was screaming...It was a New Year....We shouted, wished one and all a Happy New Year and it was time to get back to work. Within seconds the chatter was back to that constant glub of nothingness, a bunch of whispers. People who had shouted a minute ago were now lazing back on their chairs while trying to explain a plan to a customer.
I don't know how i felt at that particular moment....I dont remember how I cursed Daksh for making me work on New Year's Eve...all I remember is that one moment when we were all a big family, from various parts of the country...we were not hindu or muslim or christian....we were just one...enjoying the end of an year and beginning of another...I just remember that one moment that brought a wide smile on my face....
the two seconds....
Perhaps I am talking about my personal self! Perhaps few of you relate to this and few dont. Yet I recalled the New Year's Eve in Daksh eServices. The holiday season in America and for call centre employees...the rush time. Especially the process I was working for...phew...the call volume was insane. You would end a call and grasp for a breath and the damn avaya would ring again...And then after extended shift when you stepped out into the dark night you felt fog enveloping you in its midst. With shiver running through your spine you could almost feel....ALIVE.
I remember clearly that new year's eve...i was one of the unlucky one's who was working. Well....My shift started at 11:00 p.m...the constant chatter was on, the moment I logged in...I knew...I would be fighting for a minute's breath. Nonethless the calls started pouring. THe workstation was abuzz, the bays jingling away in a variety of accents. Few were standing, few sitting on the carpeted floor. I could see many jumping up with excitement. As we kept chattering we saw our team leaders busy in their own worry. Then I saw my team leader going from one team member to another...he was there on my workstation. On the notepad he simply scribbled...
Put him on hold for 2 minutes on 11:59
And then it was that time, the workfloor was on hold for 2 minutes....those who had no calls were on AUX, and those who were entertaining a call politely on some pretext put the customers on hold. And there it was...the countdown, the synchronized chant which happens when people just murmur the counting...the excitement was building and then the workfloor was screaming...It was a New Year....We shouted, wished one and all a Happy New Year and it was time to get back to work. Within seconds the chatter was back to that constant glub of nothingness, a bunch of whispers. People who had shouted a minute ago were now lazing back on their chairs while trying to explain a plan to a customer.
I don't know how i felt at that particular moment....I dont remember how I cursed Daksh for making me work on New Year's Eve...all I remember is that one moment when we were all a big family, from various parts of the country...we were not hindu or muslim or christian....we were just one...enjoying the end of an year and beginning of another...I just remember that one moment that brought a wide smile on my face....
the two seconds....
Monday, December 18, 2006
The Night Out
Through this blog, I had endeavoured to bring call centres back to life. Since its inception I had been wanting to write something about them that required a lot of courage. What is amazing about this place is the people who walk there. These people, of various shapes and sizes are just perfectly amiable, well mannered and most importantly, totally independent! And what's best...SEX is not a taboo! People do it and some dont. Yet every one talks about it. With a smile yes but never with a smirk. The darkest and truest side of call centres...
“Have had enough.” She said, her voice slurred as she put the glass back on the table.
“Of what?” He asked and she looked at him. If only she could somehow wipe the silly smile off his face. The whole night he had done nothing but flirt with her friend. Looking at Meenakshi, all huddled on one side of the bed, Megha raised her eyebrows several notches.
“What do you think Sam?”
He shrugged his shoulders and looked at the people who had dozed off at various places. Nikhilesh was snoring blissfully, slumped in an awkward position on the sofa. So were Sumit and Priyank. The worst or perhaps the best off was Meenakshi, sleeping peacefully in the blanket on one corner of the bed.
“I don’t know. Shed some light…Won’t you?”
“All right. Enough of drinks…In case you want to continue then you do that alone!”
He chukled and sipped on his rum. He looked at the girl with admiration. It had been a good night out…and she was one person who had managed to stay sane while everyone else had gotten drunk and dozed off for the rest of the night. She was dressed in a simple track pant and a black spaghetti. A thin shawl acted as the only deterrent. Now that Meenakshi was asleep he looked at Megha with fresh vigor. Meenakshi was without a doubt a pretty female. With long straight hair and a mole on the chin, she was just perfect for flirting. Yet Megha was different. Her hair were straight and tied in a casual bun. A few strands escaped to fall on her face now glowing under the bulb. From behind her glasses, big kohl lined eyes looked at you as if reading whatever was going on in your brain.
“Then what do you wish to do Megha?” he asked and she looked at him. God he was good looking, she thought. She wanted so badly to kiss him, hold his hand and…she checked her thoughts and stood up on the bed.
“I am going to the other room to sleep.”
He merely smiled and gestured for her to leave. That was right, Megha thought. It was the only way it ought to be. Yet she so wanted to do the wrong thing. Not every night is a night like this one. She could feel his eyes on her as she left and was suddenly aware of the tension between them. They were surrounded by acquaintances, colleagues at that! Yet they were the only ones who were awake still. And with every passing moment they had been aware of the imbalance surrounding them. The dark night had acted as a catalyst to her thoughts and she could feel a strange numbing sensation in her finger tips as her hands turned ice cold. His head brushed against her legs as she passed him to leave the room and all warmth seemed to leave her body and converge towards the pit of her stomach. A wild thought kept nagging her to turn around and look at him, just one invitation…yet sanity prevailed, much to her dismay and she walked to the other room in their apartment. Her room which she kept immaculately clean. She liked it like that. After leaving her house and deciding to move to the crazy world of call centers and night outs, she had felt an urge to keep a clean room. How, she remembered, her mother used to fuss about the perpetual state of chaos in her room!
She could have latched her door yet she did not. Getting under her own cosy blanket she felt the warmth spreading like sweet chocolate in her veins. She should have flirted with him, she thought crossly and turned on one side. It was no use, she thought and knew that she as waiting for him to come knocking. When her eyelashes finally draped over her eyes she was still contemplating whether she would let him kiss her or not!
It started like a beautiful dream. She could feel his rough hands caress her bare arms and gently move towards her shoulder. And then she heard him call out her name, in a voice that terrified her out of her reverie. It was no dream, she realized as his mouth came down on hers without a warning. Rude shocks of pleasure coursed through her body as warmth started to converge again. This was an experience she was not new to. Yet in the past it was a different thing. She had known Ravi for four months before he had kissed her. And she had known Sam for two weeks! Yet it was a moment she had been secretly hoping for. His kiss deepened and she heard herself moan. And then the alcohol seemed to loose its hold.
“Oh no!” she gasped for air and shook her head violently!
“No Sam…its not right!”
His handsome features showed confusion as he backed away a bit.
“Megha…”
The voice scared her. Never had Ravi’s voice been so thick with need! And it was a delicious thought.
He seemed to control himself finally. Perhaps it was the fear in her eyes, she thought. Her mind raced to put her heart beat at peace yet she knew that it was a fight she wanted to loose. Mind and heart had lost control. Her body had reacted to a pure carnal desire!
She felt him lie down besides her, her back resting against his chest as hands came to hug her from behind.
“Megha are you sure?” he asked, his voice a mere whisper close to her ear. She wasn’t sure anymore of even her next breath. She felt his fingers on her bare back as his lips gently brushed her ear lobes. He was a colleague! She thought and hastened to remind herself that he was more than a colleague! He was her Team Lead…
All logic and morality bade her to say no. It was the only right thing to do. It was all alcohol; she thought and realized that was not true! She was not drunk and she knew neither was he. All she had to do was form the words. Yet it was not easy. Her body loved it immensely. Her skin was savouring his touch as her mind raced to tell her that it was calling trouble at your door step. He kissed her bare back and she closed her eyes, ready to surrender.
“Megha…if you say once I swear I would leave.” His voice was controlled. Rage seemed to boil within her. What was she supposed to say? How was she supposed to answer this question? Why did men ask??? She thought crossly as she turned to look into his eyes in the darkened room.
“One word Megha…” he said and Megha felt her heart jump to her throat. Say No…her mind raced and her body ached and begged her to say yes. Looking into his eyes she said….
I apologise for not telling you what she said! This is to all the flames that have lighted and would continue to light the nights! And also to those who fizzled away without burning and still come back to haunt ;)
Friday, December 15, 2006
Wind Came Knocking on my door....
The sound woke me up. It was a strange sound…maybe it was the door that rattled a bit…or perhaps a lazy swoosh of the curtains that had disturbed my sleep. I lay awake in my bed, still dazed by the sleep, wanting badly to sleep on. The warm blanket was coaxing my eyelids to drape over my eyes again, cooing a comforting lullaby. Yet the sound was there again, a strange whisper of movement. Sighing I sat up, wasting some time to search for my slippers. The chill in the room forced me to grope for the shawl lying by me bedside. Finally I, frowning and grumpy, left my bed. It was a shame to do so at this early hour. Yet the sound was nagging me. It was not unpleasant…just a constant th th that made you feel like shutting it.
The door grumbled again and I hastened towards it. An instinct made me stop, wait for that noise again, wishing it to be a dream. Yet it was there and I took a deep breath. Exhaling slowly I opened the door.
For a second I could not breathe as cold air enveloped me like a cocoon, making me shudder. Forcing my eyes to open I saw her, suspended in the air. A woman so sublime you would miss if you blinked. Floating in front of me she seemed to giggle, blink her eyelashes and vanish. I wasn’t cold anymore. It was all there…wide expanse of absolutely nothing stretched against the inky sky that seemed to turn gold as sun pierced its midst…
I turned and looked at my room that lay in semi darkness, could make out the outline of the bed I have slept on for years now, the counter was decked with books and I could make out the old withered blanket that had warmed me these many winters. The walls were perhaps not the same, neither was the surrounding familiar to the eyes. Yet the feeling was familiar. The wind swooshed down low to my ears and whispered as temple bells started to chime at a distance…
You are home…it said and glided away. I smiled and closed my eyes. Yes…I was home!!!
The door grumbled again and I hastened towards it. An instinct made me stop, wait for that noise again, wishing it to be a dream. Yet it was there and I took a deep breath. Exhaling slowly I opened the door.
For a second I could not breathe as cold air enveloped me like a cocoon, making me shudder. Forcing my eyes to open I saw her, suspended in the air. A woman so sublime you would miss if you blinked. Floating in front of me she seemed to giggle, blink her eyelashes and vanish. I wasn’t cold anymore. It was all there…wide expanse of absolutely nothing stretched against the inky sky that seemed to turn gold as sun pierced its midst…
I turned and looked at my room that lay in semi darkness, could make out the outline of the bed I have slept on for years now, the counter was decked with books and I could make out the old withered blanket that had warmed me these many winters. The walls were perhaps not the same, neither was the surrounding familiar to the eyes. Yet the feeling was familiar. The wind swooshed down low to my ears and whispered as temple bells started to chime at a distance…
You are home…it said and glided away. I smiled and closed my eyes. Yes…I was home!!!
I have recently shifted my house and needless to say Iw as very very upset. Yet after a week it seems...ok I guess. Am still getting used to staying on the 8th floor...yet it feel allright!
I also apologise as i am not a photographer and neither do I have a god camera...this is a pic of the sunset clicked from my humble phone!!!...i guess it gives you as idea...
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
The Trainer...Either...Or
While writing the end i was faced with a dilemma...could not decide on the best end...so I leave it to you...Either...Or...
Shweta looked around the rush and felt the constant chatter fill her mind. There was apparently no place she could simply sit and work. She sipped on her coffee and stared warily at the screen of her laptop. As if her misery was not enough her phone was ringing in all its glory all of a sudden and she frowned. Disconnecting the line she picked her pack and extracted a cigarette only to realize that her matchbox had no matches left. Cursing slightly she started to rummage through her purse, hoping against hope to find a spare match box. But then this was an old old bag she had decided to change into. And within seconds she realized she was lucky. In the last pocket, kept in a thin polybag was a matchbox. Taking it out she wondered why it was kept like that and then she remembered. 5 long years...she mused as her fingers glided over the matchbox, remembering the cold night he had given it to her. There had been nothing yet thinking about the man a smile hovered over her lips. She wondered if she would be able to recognize him if he was to come in front of her all of a sudden.
Either
Fate they say has the weirdest sense of timing. One could probably never understand the cosmic forces that bring two strangers face to face. Just the thought was not enough that the man simply walked up the stairs towards where she was sitting. She could not have mistaken him in a million years. 5 years hadn't touched him at all. Still the same strong cheekbone that spoke volumes about the determination, the light gait and most importantly the eyebrows. Thick dark eyebrows...he had been talking on the phone and seemed oblivious of her presence and then he saw her, sitting on the corner, a cigarette poised in her fingers.
"Is that really you?" he asked and Shweta looked around, unsure he had spoken to her. Yet it was more than evident that she was the one who had been addressed.
"Sanjay...hi."
"Shweta...right?" he smiled and she instinctively clutched the matchbox tighter in her palm as she hastily forwarded her other hand for a hand shake.
"What are you doing here?" she asked and he shrugged.
"Just had a couple of hours to myself so decided to grab coffee. And what are you doing here?"
"Oh...just finishing some work...join me?" she asked and he smiled the same wide smile that seemed to reach his dark eyes.
"Sure."
Shweta looked at him from the corner of her eye. He had not changed much. Casually dressed in faded denims and a dark grey t-shirt he could still make her heart flip over to her throat. He seemed completely excited to meet her and she could not imagine the reason. Back then he had shown no emotion. She still remembered how once she had chanced to meet him on the door six months later. He had smiled, inquired after the job, nodded and left. How she had hoped to confess how she felt for him just once before she left yet she had never gotten a chance again. And now after 5 years they were sitting in front of each other outside a coffee shop, he completely at ease with her.
"So...what have you been up to?" he asked and Shweta licked her lips that had dried like her mouth.
"Nothing much. Just working...moved out of call centers long time ago..."
"I know. It has been so long now...I just can't tell you what a pleasant surprise it is."
Shweta could not believe how strongly she had felt for this guy.
"Why are u not lighting it...let me guess...out of lights again?" he asked and with a flourish his lighter was out. Shweta bent forward to light her cigarette choking on the smoke as he continued..."Remember the first time we met...you were out of lights even back then."
Shweta was completely wary by now. He remembered not only her name but their first meeting. Inhaling on the comforting smoke she looked at him. He was ordering for coffee and inquired if she would like another cup. Her coffee had long been cold now. Nodding she looked away.
Presently the cups were placed in front of them and Shweta stared at him, easily stirring the coffee.
“You seem a bit lost,” he asked and she caught herself looking at the cup.
“I don’t know. I mean…you seem so…”
He smiled, his eyes lighting with the gleam she had often seen.
“Different?”
“Well…yes. I mean…I always thought you never even noticed anyone.”
He was smiling like he had never done before, an easy friendly smile.
“Well…I did notice everything. And besides you are a kind of person one can’t help but notice.”
“Whoa…that’s some statement!” Shweta said, relaxing in his company for the first time. This was perhaps the side she had never seen. And she liked it by the minute.
“Well…I have to say…you were definitely loud back then…” his hands moved up in complete surrender as face lighted with a mischievous smile.
“I meant that in a good way,” he added as she gaped.
“Really?”
“Yes…you were easily one of the best trainees I have ever trained. It was fun training you…” the mischief had long been replaced by a sweet smile that was discomforting her.
That was a long time ago; she told herself and sipped on her coffee.
Sanjay stared at her and recalled the vulnerability. A young girl had now been replaced by a woman and some woman she was. How he had often looked at her while she fought with a certain complexity, how she would never give up on anything. Now she was not a colleague, the voice was distinctly his own and he looked at her, sipping peacefully at her coffee. Shaking his head he knew it was too late. Extracting a cigarette he placed it thoughtfully between his lips, his hands searching for the lighter. And luck failed him. The lighter would not work. Sighing he looked around, hoping to find someone who would have a light on him.
“Here…” the matchstick was cupped firmly by beautiful long fingers.
“You had a light?” he asked…taking his first drag and looking at the smile that lighted her features.
“Well…yes. Infact it is yours…”
“Mine?” he asked and she nodded.
“Yup…on the graduation day…remember?’
He remembered clearly. That night he had had a hard time forgetting, for no obvious reasons.
“Here…have a look,” she said and passed on the matchbox.
Sanjay twisted the box and the quote made him smile…
Printed in small red italics were the words…
‘Whatever goes around comes around’
“You know...back in those days I had this huge crush on you…” she was speaking and Sanjay stared on. That was so signature Shweta…right on your face!
Shweta looked at his smile and wondered how strange this meeting was. A certain part of her heart was really happy to meet him yet there was a strange sadness. She did not have any feelings for him now…yet it had been a crush for too long and that was perhaps the cause of the slight uneasiness that had settled in the pit of her stomach.
Sanjay stared hard, trying to understand the thoughts that were playing hide and seek in her eyes. Yet he had no luck. He had always known she had a thing for him…yet to hear the words was a completely different experience. But back then it was not right…and now…
“There you are!” the voice came from behind and Shweta looked at the woman carrying at least five bags in her hands. She was dressed casually in a black long skirt and a peach top that hid nothing of her fine figure. Her hair were neatly tied in a high pony tail and she was certainly addressing Sanjay.
“Hi honey. Guess who I met…” Sanjay was hugging her now and pulling her a chair. She smiled at Shweta.
“Shweta…she was my best trainee in ***. And Shweta meet Nimisha…my fiancée.”
Shweta felt her cheeks burn with embarrassment. Why had she told him about her crush? Why now?
“Glad to meet you…” Shweta smiled and kept her coffee aside.
“Well…I better make a move. It was lovely meeting you after such a long time.” Shweta said and stood up.
“Ugh…yeah sure. Do keep in touch…” he said and Shweta smiled.
“Sure…anyhow…congrats to both of you…I am really late.”
Her fingers shook as she picked up her bag and started to move. She felt nothing for him yet it had hurt her…
“Shweta…” he called her name and she turned.
“You forgot this…”
Sanjay was holding the matchbox in his hand and Shweta smiled…”Not again Sanjay.” She said and hastily turned to walk away from him, conscious of the tears that had started to glide down her face now.
Sanjay looked at Nimisha; her eyes alight with the knowledge of what had just happened.
“Shweta…the woman you had a crush on once…right?” she asked and Sanjay looked at the woman in front.
“History Nimisha…Coffee?”
His hands closed around the matchbox. He won’t let go of it…never!
Or
Shweta lighted her cigarette, remembering those cold nights she had stood outside her office, wishing with all her heart to have just enough courage to go and speak with him. Yet at that time he had been so aloof…there was just not enough reason to do that. And besides she had been barely twenty at that time. Now she was wiser and smarter, had a wonderful career stretched out in front of her? Yet…for some reason whenever she went to train a new batch she thought about him…her reason that had motivated her to be a trainer. Sighing she locked on to the internet and searched again…wishing to find some link…some news about that elusive gentleman. Yet they were lost forever now. She had changed her job and finally gotten the opportunity to become a trainer yet it had taken her away from the city for a complete three years. When she did come back…she had no hope of finding him. She still remembered distinctly the way he smiled. Smiling at herself she wrapped her work. She was getting late for a meeting. Her new boss was joining the office today and she was looking forward to meet him. Had not managed to hear much about him except for the fact that he had been in the industry for quite some time now and was an excellent person. She stood up and looked at the matchbox lying on the table top, a contrasting yellow against the dark brown. The red fonts were still visible…reading them again she shook her head and walked away leaving the matchbox. It was time for her to move on…
The man removed his sunglasses and walked towards the empty table. Settling in the chair he extracted a cigarette from his pack and his eyes found the matchbox. It was a box he had not seen for a long time now. An old packing of a famous brand…his long fingers reached out and picked it up, staring at the red fonts gleaming against the yellow backdrop. He remembered keeping a similar matchbox on him most of the times, especially for the quote printed on its back. And one fine night he had passed it over to a very special person. A general gleam lighted the dark eyes as his mind raced back to the girl he had had a hard time forgetting. He still remembered the way she simply understood everything, her mannerisms, the sweet smile and most importantly the complete rebellious attitude when she lighted her cigarette. For some reason he always felt that she had feelings. And there were nights when he had looked at her and wondered he would not have minded reciprocating them. Yet it was not the right thing to do. She was a trainee…a colleague and it was just not right. Besides office relationships were often disastrous. Looking at his watch he decided he should make a move…It did not set a right example if you reach late on your first day of a new job. He looked at the matchbox and without knowing exactly why he grabbed it. For old times sake he thought and moved on holding the matchbox in his hand.
They stared at each other, both lost in a strange battle. How were they supposed to meet each other? They were working again in the same organization…he was her senior she was a colleague.
He hasn’t changed a bit…
God she is still as pretty as ever…
“You still smoke?” he asked and she smiled as they walked up to the roof. The weather was pleasant for this time of the year.
“I can’t tell you what a pleasant surprise it is to see you as a trainer!” he started as he offered a cigarette to her. Accepting she smiled…
“I had very strong motivations!”
She stared as he extracted a yellow matchbox from his pocket and lighted a match, holding it cupped in his hands. Without knowing why her eyes searched and found the red letters printed on the back. As her eyes scanned them again, a smile lighted her face and she lit the cigarette.
It was getting easier and easier to talk with him. The sun was setting beyond the horizon now and it was a signal that their work was about to begin.
“Shall we make a move?” she asked and he nodded. Smiling she walked towards the door. He stood there, musing over his luck. He knew not why he felt so happy at seeing her again…his eyes read the quote again and he smiled…
What goes around comes around
“Sanjay…you coming?” she asked and he looked at her, standing by the door. Damn he thought…she was a colleague.
THE END...........
Shweta looked around the rush and felt the constant chatter fill her mind. There was apparently no place she could simply sit and work. She sipped on her coffee and stared warily at the screen of her laptop. As if her misery was not enough her phone was ringing in all its glory all of a sudden and she frowned. Disconnecting the line she picked her pack and extracted a cigarette only to realize that her matchbox had no matches left. Cursing slightly she started to rummage through her purse, hoping against hope to find a spare match box. But then this was an old old bag she had decided to change into. And within seconds she realized she was lucky. In the last pocket, kept in a thin polybag was a matchbox. Taking it out she wondered why it was kept like that and then she remembered. 5 long years...she mused as her fingers glided over the matchbox, remembering the cold night he had given it to her. There had been nothing yet thinking about the man a smile hovered over her lips. She wondered if she would be able to recognize him if he was to come in front of her all of a sudden.
Either
Fate they say has the weirdest sense of timing. One could probably never understand the cosmic forces that bring two strangers face to face. Just the thought was not enough that the man simply walked up the stairs towards where she was sitting. She could not have mistaken him in a million years. 5 years hadn't touched him at all. Still the same strong cheekbone that spoke volumes about the determination, the light gait and most importantly the eyebrows. Thick dark eyebrows...he had been talking on the phone and seemed oblivious of her presence and then he saw her, sitting on the corner, a cigarette poised in her fingers.
"Is that really you?" he asked and Shweta looked around, unsure he had spoken to her. Yet it was more than evident that she was the one who had been addressed.
"Sanjay...hi."
"Shweta...right?" he smiled and she instinctively clutched the matchbox tighter in her palm as she hastily forwarded her other hand for a hand shake.
"What are you doing here?" she asked and he shrugged.
"Just had a couple of hours to myself so decided to grab coffee. And what are you doing here?"
"Oh...just finishing some work...join me?" she asked and he smiled the same wide smile that seemed to reach his dark eyes.
"Sure."
Shweta looked at him from the corner of her eye. He had not changed much. Casually dressed in faded denims and a dark grey t-shirt he could still make her heart flip over to her throat. He seemed completely excited to meet her and she could not imagine the reason. Back then he had shown no emotion. She still remembered how once she had chanced to meet him on the door six months later. He had smiled, inquired after the job, nodded and left. How she had hoped to confess how she felt for him just once before she left yet she had never gotten a chance again. And now after 5 years they were sitting in front of each other outside a coffee shop, he completely at ease with her.
"So...what have you been up to?" he asked and Shweta licked her lips that had dried like her mouth.
"Nothing much. Just working...moved out of call centers long time ago..."
"I know. It has been so long now...I just can't tell you what a pleasant surprise it is."
Shweta could not believe how strongly she had felt for this guy.
"Why are u not lighting it...let me guess...out of lights again?" he asked and with a flourish his lighter was out. Shweta bent forward to light her cigarette choking on the smoke as he continued..."Remember the first time we met...you were out of lights even back then."
Shweta was completely wary by now. He remembered not only her name but their first meeting. Inhaling on the comforting smoke she looked at him. He was ordering for coffee and inquired if she would like another cup. Her coffee had long been cold now. Nodding she looked away.
Presently the cups were placed in front of them and Shweta stared at him, easily stirring the coffee.
“You seem a bit lost,” he asked and she caught herself looking at the cup.
“I don’t know. I mean…you seem so…”
He smiled, his eyes lighting with the gleam she had often seen.
“Different?”
“Well…yes. I mean…I always thought you never even noticed anyone.”
He was smiling like he had never done before, an easy friendly smile.
“Well…I did notice everything. And besides you are a kind of person one can’t help but notice.”
“Whoa…that’s some statement!” Shweta said, relaxing in his company for the first time. This was perhaps the side she had never seen. And she liked it by the minute.
“Well…I have to say…you were definitely loud back then…” his hands moved up in complete surrender as face lighted with a mischievous smile.
“I meant that in a good way,” he added as she gaped.
“Really?”
“Yes…you were easily one of the best trainees I have ever trained. It was fun training you…” the mischief had long been replaced by a sweet smile that was discomforting her.
That was a long time ago; she told herself and sipped on her coffee.
Sanjay stared at her and recalled the vulnerability. A young girl had now been replaced by a woman and some woman she was. How he had often looked at her while she fought with a certain complexity, how she would never give up on anything. Now she was not a colleague, the voice was distinctly his own and he looked at her, sipping peacefully at her coffee. Shaking his head he knew it was too late. Extracting a cigarette he placed it thoughtfully between his lips, his hands searching for the lighter. And luck failed him. The lighter would not work. Sighing he looked around, hoping to find someone who would have a light on him.
“Here…” the matchstick was cupped firmly by beautiful long fingers.
“You had a light?” he asked…taking his first drag and looking at the smile that lighted her features.
“Well…yes. Infact it is yours…”
“Mine?” he asked and she nodded.
“Yup…on the graduation day…remember?’
He remembered clearly. That night he had had a hard time forgetting, for no obvious reasons.
“Here…have a look,” she said and passed on the matchbox.
Sanjay twisted the box and the quote made him smile…
Printed in small red italics were the words…
‘Whatever goes around comes around’
“You know...back in those days I had this huge crush on you…” she was speaking and Sanjay stared on. That was so signature Shweta…right on your face!
Shweta looked at his smile and wondered how strange this meeting was. A certain part of her heart was really happy to meet him yet there was a strange sadness. She did not have any feelings for him now…yet it had been a crush for too long and that was perhaps the cause of the slight uneasiness that had settled in the pit of her stomach.
Sanjay stared hard, trying to understand the thoughts that were playing hide and seek in her eyes. Yet he had no luck. He had always known she had a thing for him…yet to hear the words was a completely different experience. But back then it was not right…and now…
“There you are!” the voice came from behind and Shweta looked at the woman carrying at least five bags in her hands. She was dressed casually in a black long skirt and a peach top that hid nothing of her fine figure. Her hair were neatly tied in a high pony tail and she was certainly addressing Sanjay.
“Hi honey. Guess who I met…” Sanjay was hugging her now and pulling her a chair. She smiled at Shweta.
“Shweta…she was my best trainee in ***. And Shweta meet Nimisha…my fiancée.”
Shweta felt her cheeks burn with embarrassment. Why had she told him about her crush? Why now?
“Glad to meet you…” Shweta smiled and kept her coffee aside.
“Well…I better make a move. It was lovely meeting you after such a long time.” Shweta said and stood up.
“Ugh…yeah sure. Do keep in touch…” he said and Shweta smiled.
“Sure…anyhow…congrats to both of you…I am really late.”
Her fingers shook as she picked up her bag and started to move. She felt nothing for him yet it had hurt her…
“Shweta…” he called her name and she turned.
“You forgot this…”
Sanjay was holding the matchbox in his hand and Shweta smiled…”Not again Sanjay.” She said and hastily turned to walk away from him, conscious of the tears that had started to glide down her face now.
Sanjay looked at Nimisha; her eyes alight with the knowledge of what had just happened.
“Shweta…the woman you had a crush on once…right?” she asked and Sanjay looked at the woman in front.
“History Nimisha…Coffee?”
His hands closed around the matchbox. He won’t let go of it…never!
Or
Shweta lighted her cigarette, remembering those cold nights she had stood outside her office, wishing with all her heart to have just enough courage to go and speak with him. Yet at that time he had been so aloof…there was just not enough reason to do that. And besides she had been barely twenty at that time. Now she was wiser and smarter, had a wonderful career stretched out in front of her? Yet…for some reason whenever she went to train a new batch she thought about him…her reason that had motivated her to be a trainer. Sighing she locked on to the internet and searched again…wishing to find some link…some news about that elusive gentleman. Yet they were lost forever now. She had changed her job and finally gotten the opportunity to become a trainer yet it had taken her away from the city for a complete three years. When she did come back…she had no hope of finding him. She still remembered distinctly the way he smiled. Smiling at herself she wrapped her work. She was getting late for a meeting. Her new boss was joining the office today and she was looking forward to meet him. Had not managed to hear much about him except for the fact that he had been in the industry for quite some time now and was an excellent person. She stood up and looked at the matchbox lying on the table top, a contrasting yellow against the dark brown. The red fonts were still visible…reading them again she shook her head and walked away leaving the matchbox. It was time for her to move on…
The man removed his sunglasses and walked towards the empty table. Settling in the chair he extracted a cigarette from his pack and his eyes found the matchbox. It was a box he had not seen for a long time now. An old packing of a famous brand…his long fingers reached out and picked it up, staring at the red fonts gleaming against the yellow backdrop. He remembered keeping a similar matchbox on him most of the times, especially for the quote printed on its back. And one fine night he had passed it over to a very special person. A general gleam lighted the dark eyes as his mind raced back to the girl he had had a hard time forgetting. He still remembered the way she simply understood everything, her mannerisms, the sweet smile and most importantly the complete rebellious attitude when she lighted her cigarette. For some reason he always felt that she had feelings. And there were nights when he had looked at her and wondered he would not have minded reciprocating them. Yet it was not the right thing to do. She was a trainee…a colleague and it was just not right. Besides office relationships were often disastrous. Looking at his watch he decided he should make a move…It did not set a right example if you reach late on your first day of a new job. He looked at the matchbox and without knowing exactly why he grabbed it. For old times sake he thought and moved on holding the matchbox in his hand.
They stared at each other, both lost in a strange battle. How were they supposed to meet each other? They were working again in the same organization…he was her senior she was a colleague.
He hasn’t changed a bit…
God she is still as pretty as ever…
“You still smoke?” he asked and she smiled as they walked up to the roof. The weather was pleasant for this time of the year.
“I can’t tell you what a pleasant surprise it is to see you as a trainer!” he started as he offered a cigarette to her. Accepting she smiled…
“I had very strong motivations!”
She stared as he extracted a yellow matchbox from his pocket and lighted a match, holding it cupped in his hands. Without knowing why her eyes searched and found the red letters printed on the back. As her eyes scanned them again, a smile lighted her face and she lit the cigarette.
It was getting easier and easier to talk with him. The sun was setting beyond the horizon now and it was a signal that their work was about to begin.
“Shall we make a move?” she asked and he nodded. Smiling she walked towards the door. He stood there, musing over his luck. He knew not why he felt so happy at seeing her again…his eyes read the quote again and he smiled…
What goes around comes around
“Sanjay…you coming?” she asked and he looked at her, standing by the door. Damn he thought…she was a colleague.
THE END...........
Monday, December 04, 2006
The Trainer...contd.
There are a few days in every woman's life when she feels perpetual happiness. The days when she believes herself to be in love! Shweta, was certain she could never think of any other man. And there was just something about this man that kept her wondering. Quickly her life had fallen into the routine. Her cab reached a good ten mintes before his' arrived. She would rush to the coffee vending machine, grab her cup and rush out again just to catch a glimpse of him as he descended from his cab. He always smiled but never really stayed on to chat. The customary smile, the informal nod and the small talk before he moved away. Shweta could not find any fault in him. As a trainer he was just perfect. She heard with complete attention as he explained the technicalities. She always believed herself to be bad with computers yet with him around she was learning quickly. There were those days however when he was a bit too near for comfort, explaining the step ahead on her workstation. She had noticed everything about him. The way he seldom smiled during class, the uncanny sparkle in his eyes whenever he laughed. The way he stood, completely at ease with himself, his steady walk, the thick baritone voice cultured to perfection and not to mention heady whiff of soap.
Soon Shweta felt the uneasiness settle in the pit of her stomach. She had never realized when the thirty day training period had dwindled away and she was all set to hit the floor as they called it. She knew she had done well...there was not one person who had matched up to her knowledge of the process yet she was unsure of the next day. The party had been everything she had not expected...a whole lot of fun. They had danced till their heels hurt, had toasted to every single state in US of A...yet somehow as she moved out into the still cold night she felt completely drained. She felt anger surge through her as she realized she was out of matches.
"Here...let me help you," the voice was close by and Shweta had no need to look. She bent and felt his thumb gently brush against her cheeks, took a long puff and moved away, looking towards him light his own cigarette.
"Congrats..." he said and she smiled.
"Well. Thanks...I just doubt whether i really deserve it!"
"Of course you do. You were the best." he said and Shweta dared to look into his eyes, the frankness too palpable.
"Uh...I just..."
"Don't worry Shweta...you would do just fine...I know it." he said and Shweta knew he was about to leave again. There was no one outside smoking so she did have the opportunity of standing close to him. She would not be able to meet him now, maybe not even see him. At that moment perhaps Shweta should have told him yet courage seemed to fail her. She puffed away silently, feeling sadness engulf her.
"That's my cab." he said and Shweta looked around.
"You are not staying longer?"
He hesitated for just a second and Shweta felt he knew but then he smiled and she was unsure again.
"I am not getting the weekend off...you enjoy the party and all the best. I know you would do well."
Her smile died as he turned away and started walking out of the premises. That was it...Shweta thought silently and wondered...
"Hey Sanjay," she called and he turned.
She wanted to tell him she completely adored him, wondered if they could have something more than just a polite hi and bye? Yet somehow courage left her door that instant and she smiled...
"Could you lend me the matchbox?" she asked and Sanjay smiled, took it out casually and flipped it towards her and was gone. Shweta stared at the small box. It was an AIM box and nimbly she flipped it around to read the small quotes it was famous for. A tear trickled down her face as she wrapped her fingers around it. She instantly knew that she would never let go of this matchbox...
concluding part on Wed 6th dec 06
Soon Shweta felt the uneasiness settle in the pit of her stomach. She had never realized when the thirty day training period had dwindled away and she was all set to hit the floor as they called it. She knew she had done well...there was not one person who had matched up to her knowledge of the process yet she was unsure of the next day. The party had been everything she had not expected...a whole lot of fun. They had danced till their heels hurt, had toasted to every single state in US of A...yet somehow as she moved out into the still cold night she felt completely drained. She felt anger surge through her as she realized she was out of matches.
"Here...let me help you," the voice was close by and Shweta had no need to look. She bent and felt his thumb gently brush against her cheeks, took a long puff and moved away, looking towards him light his own cigarette.
"Congrats..." he said and she smiled.
"Well. Thanks...I just doubt whether i really deserve it!"
"Of course you do. You were the best." he said and Shweta dared to look into his eyes, the frankness too palpable.
"Uh...I just..."
"Don't worry Shweta...you would do just fine...I know it." he said and Shweta knew he was about to leave again. There was no one outside smoking so she did have the opportunity of standing close to him. She would not be able to meet him now, maybe not even see him. At that moment perhaps Shweta should have told him yet courage seemed to fail her. She puffed away silently, feeling sadness engulf her.
"That's my cab." he said and Shweta looked around.
"You are not staying longer?"
He hesitated for just a second and Shweta felt he knew but then he smiled and she was unsure again.
"I am not getting the weekend off...you enjoy the party and all the best. I know you would do well."
Her smile died as he turned away and started walking out of the premises. That was it...Shweta thought silently and wondered...
"Hey Sanjay," she called and he turned.
She wanted to tell him she completely adored him, wondered if they could have something more than just a polite hi and bye? Yet somehow courage left her door that instant and she smiled...
"Could you lend me the matchbox?" she asked and Sanjay smiled, took it out casually and flipped it towards her and was gone. Shweta stared at the small box. It was an AIM box and nimbly she flipped it around to read the small quotes it was famous for. A tear trickled down her face as she wrapped her fingers around it. She instantly knew that she would never let go of this matchbox...
concluding part on Wed 6th dec 06
Thursday, November 30, 2006
The Trainer...
This is the first part of a short story that would unwind right here on callcentrediaries...and is dedicated to all the awesome trainers that made the honeymoon period a memorable experience...
Shweta waited as the machine rolled out coffee into the small cup. Her fifth cup of the night, she mused and grabbed it. She did not care which cup it was...as long as it was hot and warm she was happy. With the cup held in one hand and the pack of cigarette in another she stood in front of the door, feeling unsure as to how to open it! "There...let me help you." the voice was definitely masculine as a hand slided from behind her and pulled the door open. Shweta looked around at her saviour and found herself staring at a set of dark eyes under thick dark eye brows that seemed to meet in centre. He was someone she had never seen in office before for she was certain had she seen him she would have recalled a face like this one. Smiling her thanks she walked out into the pleasant night. It had rained a little while ago and there was a sweet smell in the air that refreshed her senses. She looked around and saw him lighting a cigarette. Presently he looked towards her and she asked for the matchbox. A matchbox was lying snuggly in the pocket of her jeans yet she felt like talking to this man. There was just something in his eyes."Sure...""Thanks again.""My pleasure lady."Shweta smiled and looked around."Training?" he asked and Shweta nodded."Yup. I joined three days ago.""Welcome to the organisation!' he said and after a polite smile he walked away towards the other corner. Shweta kept staring long after he was gone. She had never ever imagined that just one look could do that to her. Three long days of induction and her first night on the job! Or rather the first night of a month long training! She had liked it so far. Just two hours in it and she was enjoying. "There you are!" the girl who was in her team caught up with her. She was a pleasant enough girl, short in height and extremely thin with straight black hair and a slightly long face. Shweta smiled at her and kept looking in the direction the man had left."You looking for someone?" the girl...Neha...asked and Shweta recounted the stranger that she would have hard time forgetting."Did youa ask him which process he was working in? Or his name in the least?" she asked and Shweta frowned."No...why?'"Did you attend the induction or what? Remember there are three thousand people working in this place day in and out with over 18 processes. Chances are lady...you might never see this man again!"Shweta looked at the girl and felt disappointed. That was true indeed. There were chances she would never see him again. Gulping down the liquid she walked behind Neha, feeling grumpy and lost. She should have asked his name...introduce herself or something like that. She found a seat towards the end of the bay. All of a sudden she was not intersted in the training. There trainer was nice...had seemed friendly yet she found herself thinking about the man...the one man who in all probability she might never see again. The door to the room opened as her trainer walked in followed by a man of about 6 in height. He was dressed casually in blue denims and a cream colored shirt tucked in ever so neatly. His hair were thick and mouth curved in a pleasant smile. Her eyes locked with his, the deep black eyes that seemed to read her very soul...Shweta felt her heart skip a beat as her trainer spoke..."Please meet Sanjay...my colleague and your second trainer!"
Shweta waited as the machine rolled out coffee into the small cup. Her fifth cup of the night, she mused and grabbed it. She did not care which cup it was...as long as it was hot and warm she was happy. With the cup held in one hand and the pack of cigarette in another she stood in front of the door, feeling unsure as to how to open it! "There...let me help you." the voice was definitely masculine as a hand slided from behind her and pulled the door open. Shweta looked around at her saviour and found herself staring at a set of dark eyes under thick dark eye brows that seemed to meet in centre. He was someone she had never seen in office before for she was certain had she seen him she would have recalled a face like this one. Smiling her thanks she walked out into the pleasant night. It had rained a little while ago and there was a sweet smell in the air that refreshed her senses. She looked around and saw him lighting a cigarette. Presently he looked towards her and she asked for the matchbox. A matchbox was lying snuggly in the pocket of her jeans yet she felt like talking to this man. There was just something in his eyes."Sure...""Thanks again.""My pleasure lady."Shweta smiled and looked around."Training?" he asked and Shweta nodded."Yup. I joined three days ago.""Welcome to the organisation!' he said and after a polite smile he walked away towards the other corner. Shweta kept staring long after he was gone. She had never ever imagined that just one look could do that to her. Three long days of induction and her first night on the job! Or rather the first night of a month long training! She had liked it so far. Just two hours in it and she was enjoying. "There you are!" the girl who was in her team caught up with her. She was a pleasant enough girl, short in height and extremely thin with straight black hair and a slightly long face. Shweta smiled at her and kept looking in the direction the man had left."You looking for someone?" the girl...Neha...asked and Shweta recounted the stranger that she would have hard time forgetting."Did youa ask him which process he was working in? Or his name in the least?" she asked and Shweta frowned."No...why?'"Did you attend the induction or what? Remember there are three thousand people working in this place day in and out with over 18 processes. Chances are lady...you might never see this man again!"Shweta looked at the girl and felt disappointed. That was true indeed. There were chances she would never see him again. Gulping down the liquid she walked behind Neha, feeling grumpy and lost. She should have asked his name...introduce herself or something like that. She found a seat towards the end of the bay. All of a sudden she was not intersted in the training. There trainer was nice...had seemed friendly yet she found herself thinking about the man...the one man who in all probability she might never see again. The door to the room opened as her trainer walked in followed by a man of about 6 in height. He was dressed casually in blue denims and a cream colored shirt tucked in ever so neatly. His hair were thick and mouth curved in a pleasant smile. Her eyes locked with his, the deep black eyes that seemed to read her very soul...Shweta felt her heart skip a beat as her trainer spoke..."Please meet Sanjay...my colleague and your second trainer!"
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Feel Like a Woman!
I woke up with a dream in my eyes today morning, the dream of a beautiful kitchen. Strange as it may seem but I just can't take out that kitchen from my mind. It was done in shades of brown with a semi circular end that had the stove and a chimney on top, making it look like an alcove of sorts. The slab in the middle was perfectly placed, not breaking down the path nor making the kitchen look any smaller.
People might wonder what's wrong with me? Why am I talking about a kitchen this early? Why am I talking about a kitchen at all?
Well because I am amused by the change in me. The things that I never paid attention to are now glaringly important for me. I worry about my skin....for the first time in my life I actually had a sleepless night about a zit on my face!!! I think & dream about kitchens! I worry about my wardrobe...my hair...its like all of a sudden I just feel like being a woman!
I was not a tom boy by any means. I had my own style yet I hated all the fuss about combing your hair thirteen times in 15 minutes routine, the look in the mirror and rectify my make up minutes, the oh my god am I looking fat stuff!!!
We can discount the last in the sense because I am fat to the extent that asking this question won't be wise! Yet for the first time in how many years I just want to look pretty!!!
I always managed to...but once the make up was in place it would take a nice daant from mama to 'touch it up!'. But now I am a little too conscious about all that.
I was always a woman...yet I had guarded myself from all the 'girly' stuff!
Today all I want to say is...MAN...I FEEL LIKE A WOMAN!
People might wonder what's wrong with me? Why am I talking about a kitchen this early? Why am I talking about a kitchen at all?
Well because I am amused by the change in me. The things that I never paid attention to are now glaringly important for me. I worry about my skin....for the first time in my life I actually had a sleepless night about a zit on my face!!! I think & dream about kitchens! I worry about my wardrobe...my hair...its like all of a sudden I just feel like being a woman!
I was not a tom boy by any means. I had my own style yet I hated all the fuss about combing your hair thirteen times in 15 minutes routine, the look in the mirror and rectify my make up minutes, the oh my god am I looking fat stuff!!!
We can discount the last in the sense because I am fat to the extent that asking this question won't be wise! Yet for the first time in how many years I just want to look pretty!!!
I always managed to...but once the make up was in place it would take a nice daant from mama to 'touch it up!'. But now I am a little too conscious about all that.
I was always a woman...yet I had guarded myself from all the 'girly' stuff!
Today all I want to say is...MAN...I FEEL LIKE A WOMAN!
Monday, November 27, 2006
TOUCHWOOD!!!
The two girls walked around the park, each battling with a strange thought. Ayesha felt the strange tension envelope them. She could barely imagine the secret Nitika was about to share with her. Yet if Niti had something to talk about then Ayesha had all the time in the world. Niti walked in silence, her heart in a turmoil. Was it the right moment? Could she trust Ayesha? Would Ayesha judge her? She had know Ayu for over two years now and they somehow
understood each other. Looking at the students rushing through the ground Niti felt indecisive about her judgement agin but she just had to share it with someone and at that instant she could not share it with anyone other than Ayesha. They found a lonely spot and sat down for what was the first discussion of its kind...Niti looked definitely preoccupied, though Ayesha. What was it that was bothering her so much? What was it that Niti had to tell her? She waited patiently and accepted the silence that followed. Niti finally took a breath and looked at Ayesha."I am in love," she said and Ayesha waited. The silence made her think again. She had not heard the complete sentence. Was it what she had heard? Love?"Huh?' the first thought that crossed Ayesha's mind was...WHAT??? You are hardly twelve girl! We are hardly 12!!!""I know...I am in love. I have seen him around Ayu and there is just something about him. When today in the bus he sat by my side I just felt..."Ayesha was not listening anymore. Her mind was mingled with different emotions. A part of her heart was crying out in plain amusement...How weird!! and the other was trying to understand the look on the face. For some reason Niti looked pretty. Her eyes were alight with a passion she had never seen in them before. She was glowing with not the love of the man but just the idea of being in love. A smile broke on her lips as she sat and listened as her friend reconted her first ever crush...
They sat across the table, the silence broken occaionally by the click of the cup as Niti kept it back on the saucer. Ayesha held her glass of diet coke, savouring the moment. Life had walked wih them for a long time now...And they had come such a long way. She looked as Niti's face glowed under the dim light, eyes glittering due to the hint of tears. She looked as radiant as ever and Ayesha felt the affection bring back tears to her own eyes."You just love him so much..." Ayesha said and Niti smiled."I do..." her eyes wondered towards her friends for reasurance. It was just there...no words required to explain how she felt for this man. And no words required to explain to Ayesha...Sighing both looked at the table and then their hands went out to touch the wooden surface simultaneously as they said it out loud...'TOUCHWOOD'. The silence was instantly broken down with the giggle as the two friends revelled in the comfortable silence.
understood each other. Looking at the students rushing through the ground Niti felt indecisive about her judgement agin but she just had to share it with someone and at that instant she could not share it with anyone other than Ayesha. They found a lonely spot and sat down for what was the first discussion of its kind...Niti looked definitely preoccupied, though Ayesha. What was it that was bothering her so much? What was it that Niti had to tell her? She waited patiently and accepted the silence that followed. Niti finally took a breath and looked at Ayesha."I am in love," she said and Ayesha waited. The silence made her think again. She had not heard the complete sentence. Was it what she had heard? Love?"Huh?' the first thought that crossed Ayesha's mind was...WHAT??? You are hardly twelve girl! We are hardly 12!!!""I know...I am in love. I have seen him around Ayu and there is just something about him. When today in the bus he sat by my side I just felt..."Ayesha was not listening anymore. Her mind was mingled with different emotions. A part of her heart was crying out in plain amusement...How weird!! and the other was trying to understand the look on the face. For some reason Niti looked pretty. Her eyes were alight with a passion she had never seen in them before. She was glowing with not the love of the man but just the idea of being in love. A smile broke on her lips as she sat and listened as her friend reconted her first ever crush...
They sat across the table, the silence broken occaionally by the click of the cup as Niti kept it back on the saucer. Ayesha held her glass of diet coke, savouring the moment. Life had walked wih them for a long time now...And they had come such a long way. She looked as Niti's face glowed under the dim light, eyes glittering due to the hint of tears. She looked as radiant as ever and Ayesha felt the affection bring back tears to her own eyes."You just love him so much..." Ayesha said and Niti smiled."I do..." her eyes wondered towards her friends for reasurance. It was just there...no words required to explain how she felt for this man. And no words required to explain to Ayesha...Sighing both looked at the table and then their hands went out to touch the wooden surface simultaneously as they said it out loud...'TOUCHWOOD'. The silence was instantly broken down with the giggle as the two friends revelled in the comfortable silence.
Monday, November 20, 2006
An apology
I have lost it. For the past three days I have been trying to write something yet I am failing miserably. Nothing I write gives me that satisfaction. My creativity is suffering. I stare for hours together at the screen as if words would call back to me, wake me up from the slumber my mind has forced upon me yet nothing really happens. My hands remain poised in front of the keyboard and eyes focussed on a blank screen. And then I force them to start motion, write something atleast and then words start forming only to be deleted a while later. Why is it happening? I wish I could talk about it. Yet I am not too keen on divulging the secret. But write I must...to unburden the words that are waiting on my fingertips...Three days ago I was almost certain what I wanted to write about. I even talked about it with the person it was concerned with and then by the time the pleasant conversation ended there was nothing left to say. I would not say I cried for I did not. Yet I felt a strange pain settle somewhere close to my heart. I know I was wrong, maybe obstinate and completely out of line. I know I was downright rude by the end...yet the damage was done!
Who was hurt more I can not comment. But the fact remains that I hurt the only person I call my sunshine!I have known him for close to 6 years now...infact 7 years. The acquaintance was a joke in the beginning, one of the many teenage whims. Yet with age things changed. As I went on to understand him, things began to change. He was a boy unlike any other I had ever met...outgoing, funny and downright arrogant. For some strange reason I never hated his humongous attitude for there was never false ego. In one simple sentence he was the boy who loved himself...totally. It was completely infectious. His laughter was resonant, and no matter how blue my mood was...ten minutes after talking with him I was smiling ear to ear. The only person who could call me an Idiot a 100 times without irking me. Many of my diary entries refer to him as the feel good factor! As I sat around, trying to understand him I saw him change from a totally 'biggra' boy to a responsible and considerate man. His laughter did not change, nor did the criticisms get any softer (infact they grew!), his self love increased and he remained essentially the same! At times I like to believe that he never changed...it was just that with time I started to understand him a bit better. Yet I feel I don't know him at all.
He can carry himself extremely well, his voice is textured, accent refined and mannerisms perfect. He would smile and frown at you, raise his eyebrow in mockery and laugh out loud when you realize the reason and blush like a kid. He would chide you for your behaviour, scream his exasperation yet never loose his control. He is still the man who could make the bluest day just fade into memories...if bharti is the comfortable cool of the night that will just wait patiently by my side, he is the sunshine that would make all the miseries look insignificant.
And being the Idiot that I am I hurt him. Just one sentence and I felt dark clouds gather around. Sometimes I think I do it on purpose for I love the clouds. They promise me shelter from getting burnt. Was it my fear? I don't want to dwell on it any more. For the moment I am happy with the comfort of darkness around me. Yet I know I have hurt someone and he did not deserve that. For that reason all I want to say is that I am sorry.
Who was hurt more I can not comment. But the fact remains that I hurt the only person I call my sunshine!I have known him for close to 6 years now...infact 7 years. The acquaintance was a joke in the beginning, one of the many teenage whims. Yet with age things changed. As I went on to understand him, things began to change. He was a boy unlike any other I had ever met...outgoing, funny and downright arrogant. For some strange reason I never hated his humongous attitude for there was never false ego. In one simple sentence he was the boy who loved himself...totally. It was completely infectious. His laughter was resonant, and no matter how blue my mood was...ten minutes after talking with him I was smiling ear to ear. The only person who could call me an Idiot a 100 times without irking me. Many of my diary entries refer to him as the feel good factor! As I sat around, trying to understand him I saw him change from a totally 'biggra' boy to a responsible and considerate man. His laughter did not change, nor did the criticisms get any softer (infact they grew!), his self love increased and he remained essentially the same! At times I like to believe that he never changed...it was just that with time I started to understand him a bit better. Yet I feel I don't know him at all.
He can carry himself extremely well, his voice is textured, accent refined and mannerisms perfect. He would smile and frown at you, raise his eyebrow in mockery and laugh out loud when you realize the reason and blush like a kid. He would chide you for your behaviour, scream his exasperation yet never loose his control. He is still the man who could make the bluest day just fade into memories...if bharti is the comfortable cool of the night that will just wait patiently by my side, he is the sunshine that would make all the miseries look insignificant.
And being the Idiot that I am I hurt him. Just one sentence and I felt dark clouds gather around. Sometimes I think I do it on purpose for I love the clouds. They promise me shelter from getting burnt. Was it my fear? I don't want to dwell on it any more. For the moment I am happy with the comfort of darkness around me. Yet I know I have hurt someone and he did not deserve that. For that reason all I want to say is that I am sorry.
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Milestone 25!
25...just a number. Yet today it is more than just that in my life. For so many reasons...
When I had barely joined the call centre a good friend once asked me what was it that I wanted to do...and I knew that I had to set goals for myself. I pondered over and over, tried to analyse what all i wanted to do and decided that I should have a definite goal. The only thing i came up with just one...have to earn a minimum package of 50G by the age of 25...own and drive my own car by the age of 25...complete my first book by the age of 25...
It is anybody's guess that what was simply my goal was to achieve a certain something by that age. Then why now am I refering to this number?
In July 2007 I would be 25.
When Deepti tagged me I pondered...thought and analysed how to disturb the pattern to make it more me. And the answer was a simple 25...My idea...stating 25 things I have done and 25 I would want to do. Majority are from the list...the rest I would be adding to...shall I say...customize the tag a bit!
Here goes the 2 twenty fives...
25 Miles already travelled...
1. Climbed a mountain
2. Said 'I love you' and meant it...(do that often:))
3. Stayed up all night and watched the SUNRISE
4. Slept under the stars
5. Changed a baby's diaper
6. Watched a meteor shower
7. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
8. Asked out a stranger
9. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
10.Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
11.Adopted an accent for an entire day
12.Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
13.Had two hard drives for your computer (Just got that!)
14.Taken care of someone who was drunk
15.Had amazing friends (STILL HAVE THEM...TOUCHWOOD!)
16.Taken a road-trip
17.Been heartbroken longer then you were actually in love
18.Played in the mud
19.Played in the rain
20.Toured ancient sites
21.Got flowers for no reason
22.Performed on stage
23.Buried one of your parents
24.Had an entire black wardrobe...(In totality...my mother shrieked after
she realised I actually had no other color to wear!!!)
25.Had a series of weird dreams about people I know that came true!!!
ANd Miles to go before I Sleep...
1. Watch Wild Whales in their natural habitat
2. Dance with a stranger in a foreign land
3. Take a Ferrari for a test drive
4. Visit Paris
5. Stand on top of a lighthouse and look at the sea.
6. Go bagpacking in European countryside
7. Start a business
8. An evening in gobdola in Venice.
9. Be on a television show as an EXPERT!!! (wow wow wow)
10.Hike to the bottom of the Grand Canyon (I just worry about coming back up!)
11.Skip all school reunions
12.Eat Shushi...
13.Go on a much planned vacation with someone special
14.Swim in the moonlight.
15.Walk on the beach on a full moon night...
16.Own atleast 10 different black shoes!
17.Be in shape and have a Sexy Black evening dress.
18.Get my work published
19.Witness the ALPS and the PYRAMIDS
20.Stroll in the Paris by myself
21. Own a house in Mussourie
22.Swim with Wild Dolphins
23.Read Gone with the Wind
24.Gift a Mercedes to my nephew on his 18th b'day.
AND
25. GET A SALARY PACKAGE OF 50 G A MONTH BY MY 25TH B'DAY...
When I had barely joined the call centre a good friend once asked me what was it that I wanted to do...and I knew that I had to set goals for myself. I pondered over and over, tried to analyse what all i wanted to do and decided that I should have a definite goal. The only thing i came up with just one...have to earn a minimum package of 50G by the age of 25...own and drive my own car by the age of 25...complete my first book by the age of 25...
It is anybody's guess that what was simply my goal was to achieve a certain something by that age. Then why now am I refering to this number?
In July 2007 I would be 25.
When Deepti tagged me I pondered...thought and analysed how to disturb the pattern to make it more me. And the answer was a simple 25...My idea...stating 25 things I have done and 25 I would want to do. Majority are from the list...the rest I would be adding to...shall I say...customize the tag a bit!
Here goes the 2 twenty fives...
25 Miles already travelled...
1. Climbed a mountain
2. Said 'I love you' and meant it...(do that often:))
3. Stayed up all night and watched the SUNRISE
4. Slept under the stars
5. Changed a baby's diaper
6. Watched a meteor shower
7. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
8. Asked out a stranger
9. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
10.Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
11.Adopted an accent for an entire day
12.Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
13.Had two hard drives for your computer (Just got that!)
14.Taken care of someone who was drunk
15.Had amazing friends (STILL HAVE THEM...TOUCHWOOD!)
16.Taken a road-trip
17.Been heartbroken longer then you were actually in love
18.Played in the mud
19.Played in the rain
20.Toured ancient sites
21.Got flowers for no reason
22.Performed on stage
23.Buried one of your parents
24.Had an entire black wardrobe...(In totality...my mother shrieked after
she realised I actually had no other color to wear!!!)
25.Had a series of weird dreams about people I know that came true!!!
ANd Miles to go before I Sleep...
1. Watch Wild Whales in their natural habitat
2. Dance with a stranger in a foreign land
3. Take a Ferrari for a test drive
4. Visit Paris
5. Stand on top of a lighthouse and look at the sea.
6. Go bagpacking in European countryside
7. Start a business
8. An evening in gobdola in Venice.
9. Be on a television show as an EXPERT!!! (wow wow wow)
10.Hike to the bottom of the Grand Canyon (I just worry about coming back up!)
11.Skip all school reunions
12.Eat Shushi...
13.Go on a much planned vacation with someone special
14.Swim in the moonlight.
15.Walk on the beach on a full moon night...
16.Own atleast 10 different black shoes!
17.Be in shape and have a Sexy Black evening dress.
18.Get my work published
19.Witness the ALPS and the PYRAMIDS
20.Stroll in the Paris by myself
21. Own a house in Mussourie
22.Swim with Wild Dolphins
23.Read Gone with the Wind
24.Gift a Mercedes to my nephew on his 18th b'day.
AND
25. GET A SALARY PACKAGE OF 50 G A MONTH BY MY 25TH B'DAY...
Monday, November 06, 2006
A Glimpse of Gauri
To all those who don't know, Gauri is my latest creation. She is the Queen of the lot...the main protogonist of my first full fledged novel. Why am I giving an insight into her abhi se? Well...for at this very moment she is all I have...she is my inspiration as much as I am her imagination....(conscious interchange of inspiration and imagination!)
Gauri sat on the cold bench, welcoming the chill in the air. Life, she thought, had a lot instore for her. She knew the next morning the sun would smile down at her and warm her. Yet...
Gently she touched her belly and felt the movement murmur the presence she could never deny.
"You look lost." Amit said and Gauri turned to look at the man, dressed in a blue cardigan, his curly hair indicating the slight wind.
"Maybe I am." She replied. She heard him sigh and sit besides her.
"It's not a good feeling."
"And why not?" Gauri asked.
"Well...Why would you like being lost?"
Gauri smiled and looked at the log of wood that was now gently simmering. Fire had consumed life out of it and made it into a pile of ash held together for another while.
"So that someone would find me." Gauri murmured and kept her gaze fixed at the burning ambers. She felt his eyes on her, felt the softness alight the dark eyes yet she kept staring at the fire. Her heart had no place for that softness. It felt nothing at the instant. A mean block of ice was placed in her chest, beating as if forced to. Every instant the cold became her. The fire failed to warm her frozen heart. She was waiting...for that moment when that fire would be her again. When warmth would course through her blood and make her alive...again!
Sighing she looked at Amit and smiled.
"I think I need to rest now."
"Sure." Amit stood up yet his smile was instantly replaced by concern for the lady in front. She was covered in beads of perspiration. Her eyes that had been cold were now wide with fear and acute pain.
"What's the matter?" he asked and Gauri sat on the bench again. Her heart was beating loudly in her chest now. A smile hovered over her lips. With the realization of pain she felt life flow into her.
"It's time...Chabili...the baby..." she gasped, fighting for air to fill her lungs. The fire was burning wildly now and she felt it in her body.
"Oh my god. You wait...I would call someone..."Amit said and she held on to his sleeve. Tears were forming in her eyes now...Warm tears of gratitude and pain mingled with fear.
"Don't leave me..." She said and held on to his arm and he looked down at the face glowing in the light of fire, the wide dark eyes blazing with such pain that rendered the woman an angelic aura. He stared transfixed and put his hand on the forehead lovingly...
"I would never leave you!"....
Gauri sat on the cold bench, welcoming the chill in the air. Life, she thought, had a lot instore for her. She knew the next morning the sun would smile down at her and warm her. Yet...
Gently she touched her belly and felt the movement murmur the presence she could never deny.
"You look lost." Amit said and Gauri turned to look at the man, dressed in a blue cardigan, his curly hair indicating the slight wind.
"Maybe I am." She replied. She heard him sigh and sit besides her.
"It's not a good feeling."
"And why not?" Gauri asked.
"Well...Why would you like being lost?"
Gauri smiled and looked at the log of wood that was now gently simmering. Fire had consumed life out of it and made it into a pile of ash held together for another while.
"So that someone would find me." Gauri murmured and kept her gaze fixed at the burning ambers. She felt his eyes on her, felt the softness alight the dark eyes yet she kept staring at the fire. Her heart had no place for that softness. It felt nothing at the instant. A mean block of ice was placed in her chest, beating as if forced to. Every instant the cold became her. The fire failed to warm her frozen heart. She was waiting...for that moment when that fire would be her again. When warmth would course through her blood and make her alive...again!
Sighing she looked at Amit and smiled.
"I think I need to rest now."
"Sure." Amit stood up yet his smile was instantly replaced by concern for the lady in front. She was covered in beads of perspiration. Her eyes that had been cold were now wide with fear and acute pain.
"What's the matter?" he asked and Gauri sat on the bench again. Her heart was beating loudly in her chest now. A smile hovered over her lips. With the realization of pain she felt life flow into her.
"It's time...Chabili...the baby..." she gasped, fighting for air to fill her lungs. The fire was burning wildly now and she felt it in her body.
"Oh my god. You wait...I would call someone..."Amit said and she held on to his sleeve. Tears were forming in her eyes now...Warm tears of gratitude and pain mingled with fear.
"Don't leave me..." She said and held on to his arm and he looked down at the face glowing in the light of fire, the wide dark eyes blazing with such pain that rendered the woman an angelic aura. He stared transfixed and put his hand on the forehead lovingly...
"I would never leave you!"....
Friday, November 03, 2006
Point 47....
Well...Prashant wrote a long list of his itches and the only itch that seemed to be unanimous was the POINT 47. What do women think when they check out men...
I ain't no expert but here are a few things that most of the women check out...
Hands...are they clean?
How does he laugh?
His clothes.....dirty? shirt tucked in?
Hair....nicely combed or unruly?
Hands....are they scratching?
Eyes....is he checking out my breast?
Lips....does he lick them too often?
His mobile phone....is he playing with it?
The bulk in the trousers....show me the money!
Hands....are the nails clipped? are they clean?
Smile....
Height....
approximate weight...
approximate length......
Does he slouch?
Let me see if he takes out a 100 ka note or 500 ka?
Hands...where is he keeping them...
And then almost all of them are thinking exactly the following things while checking out a guy...
He's...umm okay. What's with this guy? Am i looking okay? I should have worn that black dress...it would have made me look slimmer! Damn...is he checking me out? That ass...can't look at my face!/ Why is he not looking at my breast??? I should have worn a tighter top...damn! What did he say he was doing again? Hmm...would it look okay if i order a chicken sandwich...am so hungry...no he would think i am a pig...I should have left my hair open...damn is he going to say something/ Kitna bolta hain!......No watch? Nice phone....wish i could throw that in the bin....Oh what the hell....I bet he has never seen a better looking woman in his life...that bitch in white top is smiling...why can't she live with her own?/ Is that bitch smirking? God...why did he have to wear this weird combination....i mean a T on a Thursday???
Man I am sooooo hungry...I think I should take that Chicken Sub...To hell with the diet..."Just Irish Coffee for me...without cream..." Damn, will wait till he goes....
I ain't no expert but here are a few things that most of the women check out...
Hands...are they clean?
How does he laugh?
His clothes.....dirty? shirt tucked in?
Hair....nicely combed or unruly?
Hands....are they scratching?
Eyes....is he checking out my breast?
Lips....does he lick them too often?
His mobile phone....is he playing with it?
The bulk in the trousers....show me the money!
Hands....are the nails clipped? are they clean?
Smile....
Height....
approximate weight...
approximate length......
Does he slouch?
Let me see if he takes out a 100 ka note or 500 ka?
Hands...where is he keeping them...
And then almost all of them are thinking exactly the following things while checking out a guy...
He's...umm okay. What's with this guy? Am i looking okay? I should have worn that black dress...it would have made me look slimmer! Damn...is he checking me out? That ass...can't look at my face!/ Why is he not looking at my breast??? I should have worn a tighter top...damn! What did he say he was doing again? Hmm...would it look okay if i order a chicken sandwich...am so hungry...no he would think i am a pig...I should have left my hair open...damn is he going to say something/ Kitna bolta hain!......No watch? Nice phone....wish i could throw that in the bin....Oh what the hell....I bet he has never seen a better looking woman in his life...that bitch in white top is smiling...why can't she live with her own?/ Is that bitch smirking? God...why did he have to wear this weird combination....i mean a T on a Thursday???
Man I am sooooo hungry...I think I should take that Chicken Sub...To hell with the diet..."Just Irish Coffee for me...without cream..." Damn, will wait till he goes....
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